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Tommy Boy - 1995 Movie Quotes


Posted ByQuote
2946 My thing got stuck in my zipper, I got piss all over me! (full quote)
2946 Watch your language in front of the lady,punk! (full quote)
  Tommy: Hey Richard, is this your coat? Fat guy in a little coat...fat guy in a little coat... Richard: Take it off Dickhead I'm serious. Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Don't! Tommy: Richard, what's happening? uh-oh.... (full quote)
2946 Look out boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf! (full quote)
  Kid 1: Hey,tubo,you ain't moving! Tommy:Yeah,need a little wind here. Kid 2: No,you need to drop a couple hundred pounds,blimp! Tommy:I guess that's your fear! Kid 3:Hey,yo,santa's limp,like your d---! Tommy:Watch your language in front of the lady punk! Kid 1:Hey,Giligan!Did you eat the skipper? Tommy:You'll be afraid of the lord ,skinny punks,that this wind dosen't pick up,cause I'll come over there,and jam a door up your a--! Kid 2:Hey,lady look out,there's a fat whale on your boat! Kid 3:Yeah,Free Willy! Michelle:Listen up,you little spazioids!I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep,and I swear to everything Holy,you're mother's will cry when they see what I've done to you! I was just kidding,I have no idea where they live. Tommy:That was awsome! (full quote)
  So your drivin along, your drivin along and theres a tire, ::brake noise:: woa, that was close. So now your drivin along, your drivin along and the kids are in the back seat yelling, I gotta go to the bathroom daddy, not now dammit and theres a truck tire,AHH I CAN'T STOP, oh my god theres a cliff. Oh my God, We're burning alive, I can't feel my legs. Then comes the meat wagon, :: Ambulance sound:: and the medic gets out and says OH MY GOD and the new guy is in the corner pukin his guts out all because you wanted to save a few pennies.. which.. GET OUT. Alright.. oh yeah.. do you validate? Get out!!! (full quote)
2946 Quit coverin your damn eyes! (full quote)
3754 I used to get bear claws lodged, two at a time, right here! (full quote)
3820 Fat guy in a little coat. (full quote)
3820 I can almost hear you getting fatter. (full quote)
3820 Did I hear a 'niner' in there? Were you calling from a walkie talkie? (full quote)
3820 That sounds great, melted candy inside the dash, that really ups the re-sale value. (full quote)
  yeah, you hold on to a car this cherry. kinda like your suitcase. ha ha kinda like your suitcase. (full quote)
  I was just checkin the specs on the inline of the rotary girder...I'm retarded (full quote)
4066 I lost my virginity to your daughter. Rob you were there (full quote)
  richard...i guess you should have called. tommy..but i did call...earlier when you were using the phone. richard...earlier? when was that? tommy...or later when...then..i..uh left a message...richard...a message?? what number did you call?? tommy...2-4niner-5678...richard...i can't hear you...you're trailing off...and did i catch a niner in there?? were you callin from a walkie talkie?? tommy...no...it was cordless. richard...you know what? DON'T..not here not now!! (full quote)
3225 1) Hi! I'm Earth...have we met? 2) I don't think so (full quote)
4332 I see I've interupted happy time. (full quote)
agwendolyn Chicken Wings! (full quote)
agwendolyn Jesus, what the hell happened to your face? (full quote)
agwendolyn 1) *name*, is there a mark on my face? 2) No, *name*, there isn't. 1) See, it doesn't hurt so much here, or here, but it does right here. 2) Nope, there's no mark. (full quote)
agwendolyn The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you is a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a crap in a box and slap a guarrantee on it for you, if that's what you want. (full quote)
4375 1.) Aww... that's gonna up the resale value... melted chocolate in the dash. 2.) I think we're gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell on it. I'm surprised you didn't know that. 1.) I think your brain has a thick candy shell on it. 2.) You're brain's the one with... the shell on it. 1.) Got that? 2.) Shut up *name*! (full quote)
4375 Hey Richard... who's your faavorite Little Rascal? Is it Alfalfa or is it Spanky? Sinner.... (full quote)
4375 We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas. (full quote)
4375 My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators. (full quote)
  I LOVE YOU, BrothER!!!!!!! (full quote)
  Let me tell you why i SUCK as a salesman, lets say i go into some guy's office, lets say he's even remotely interested in buying something, well then i get all excited, i'm like Jojo, the indian circus boy with a pretty new pet, the pet is my possible sale. ohh my pretty little pet, I LOVE YOU!! so i stroke it, and i pet it, and i masaaage it. hee hee hee, I LOVE IT!! i love my little naughty pet, YOU'RE NAUGHTY!! then i take my naughty pet, and i go, phggghhhh!!! phhgggghhhh!!!! OHHHHHHH!!!!! I KILLED IT, I KILLED MY SALE!!! And thats when i blow it. Thats when people like you and me have to forge ahead Helen, am i right? (Helen) God, you're sick, tell you what, i'll go in the back and throw some wings n the burners for you, ok? (Tommy)THANKS HELEN!!! Tommy likie!!! Tommy want wingy!!! (full quote)
  I have seen a lot of things in my life, but that...was...AWESOME!! Oh, but sorry about your car man. that..that sucks... (full quote)
  I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butchers word for it! (full quote)
  1. this town doesn't know what's about to hit it. 2. fish in a barrel. people are the fish, town's the barrel. POW! fish in a barrel... (full quote)
  1. went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume. 2. it's an air freshener sir. 1. great, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off. (full quote)
  Son Of Aaaaaa!!! (full quote)
  ...And that's when the WHORES come in... (full quote)
5159 Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed I will, I got spare time... (full quote)
5159 what if the guarantee fairy is a crazy glue sniffer? Building model airplanes he says well I'm not buying it. Let him in the house once is all it takes, next thing you know, your daughter is knocked up and there is change missing from your dresser. I have seen it happen a million times... (full quote)
5159 listen, I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim, but we have work to do. (full quote)
5159 Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Say I walk into some guys office and he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited and I'm like Jo-Jo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet, is my possible sale. Oh my pretty little pet. I love you. So I stroke it....and I pet it....and I massage it. And I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty... And then I take my naughty pet and I go....AHHHH! I killed it. I killed my sale! (full quote)
5159 It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right, group words together as a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches... Midol for any cramps. (full quote)
5159 I was just checking the, ah, specks on the endline for the rotary gurter... I'm retarded... (full quote)
  i have what doctors like to call and little bit of a weight problem (full quote)
  Tommy- yeah i called earlier Richard- oh, really? what number did ya call? Tommy- 2, 4, 7, 3 niner Richard- your trailing off and did i cathc a niner in there? were ya calling from a walkie talkie? Tommy- NO! it was a cordless (full quote)
  Richard- oh that HAS to be you!!! did ya spray that thing for bugs? (full quote)
  Twenty dollars for the rent...hmm...maybe instead they'll spend it on the whores (full quote)
  #1 what is there to do in this town #2 You can throw things off the bridge (full quote)
  BrothERS DON'T SHAKE HANDS..BrothERS GOTTA HUG! (full quote)
  Let's say the average person uses 10% of their brain. You on the other hand use 1 1/2%. The rest of your brain is covered with Molted Hoppes and Bong Resin! (full quote)
  Tommy Likey, Tommy Want Wingy (full quote)
  Tommy: You Can't Just Go In and Out ya gotta finness'm a little Richard: Oh By finness do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire. (full quote)
  It doesn't matter if we got the chicken wings, we still got the meat lovers' pizza in the trunk! (full quote)
  This is not a real quote, but about 60 percent of the quotes in the Tommy Boy section are misquoted. Learn to watch a movie people. (full quote)
  My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators. (full quote)
  Hey bro' all that you can handle.. (full quote)
  Whores running around doing there little behind shake for the men-folk. Richard: i kinda like her idea (full quote)
  your brain has the shell on it (full quote)
  I've got cat like speed and reflex (full quote)
  RIChard- We dont take no.... TOMMY- shit from anyone (full quote)
  These shoes are Italian, they're worth more than your life. (full quote)
  (1-Now lets see what happens when your driving with the other guys breakpads your driving along and all of sudden your kids start yelling from the backseat i gotta go to the bathroom daddy!Not now dammit!Truck tire!SCHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!I CAN'T STOP!(Sound of car crashing into the table)Theres a cliff!AHHHHHHHHHHHH!And your family's screeming,OH MY GOD WHERE BURNING ALIVE!NOOOOOO I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!In comes the meat wagon(siren)andthe medic gets out and says oh my god.New guys in the corner pukin' his guts out,(throwing up sound)All because you want to save a couple of pennies,now to me.. (2GET OUT,NOOOW! (full quote)
  1) Is this your first time? 2) Yeah Tommy, I'm afraid it is. 1) I can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! (full quote)
  1) Is that for me? 2) No son, that's for me. (full quote)
  Gas Station Clerk: I'm picking up your sarcasm. Richard: That's because I'm laying it on you pretty think. (full quote)
  Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. (full quote)
  Tommy: You know, you can get a good look at a butcher's ass by shoving your head up it but wouldn't you rather take his word for it? (full quote)
  Tommy: They have a thin candy shell. I'm surprised you didn't know that. Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell. (full quote)
  Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat? Richard: No, your face does. (full quote)
3594 1: Look out! I've got cat like speed and reflexes!...WAAAAAA...AAAAA...AAAAAAA! I was checking the...uh...ssspecks on the endline, for the rotary girder...I'm retarded...I... 2: Ok, Tom! (full quote)
3594 Tommy: Richard! Were you watching...Spanktravision? Richard: Ok then, lets hit it. Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name!? Buddy Wacket!? Richard: Alright then, lets get some shut eye. Tommy: Hey, that's a pretty girl down there! Richard: Good for her. Tommy: Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees! (full quote)
3594 1: Hey Gilligan! Did you eat the skipper!? 2: YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF skinNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN'T PICK UP, CAUSE I'LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS! (full quote)
3594 Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in. Tommy: Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. Richard: True...but you can't latch the hood too well IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE WORTHLESS! Tommy: I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless, I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad. Richard: That's right your not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves! Tommy: Ketchup popsicle!? Richard: Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I'M BIG TOM'S SON, HE'LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I'M ALLOWED TO BE A MORAN! Tommy: THAT'S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT'S GO TIME! YOU AND ME! Richard: Look mommmy! The rhino's getting too close the car! Tommy: Him to 'fraid to get out. He just a little guy. Richard: That's it big boy, I'm gonna wail on you. You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky! Tommy: HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT'S PAPA SMURF! Richard: You don't want none of me, think it through. Tommy: Come on! Gimmie your best shot, I'll give ya a free one, lemme have it!...That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can't ya Cap'n Limpwrist...try again!...Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft!? Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother...UGGHH!...that was a good one. Richard: Hey! Prehistoric Forest! (full quote)
3594 Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain...how much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin. (full quote)
3594 Tommy: Did ya hear I finally graduated? Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too...alriiight. Tommy: Ya know a lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: I know. They're called doctors. (full quote)
3594 1: Hey, I'll tell ya what, you can take a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it? 2: What? I'm failing to make the connection here, son. 1: No, I mean, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, but then...no, it's gotta be your bull. 3: Wow. 1: Here's the deal. If I want you... 3: You have derailed. 1: Shut up, Richard! 2: Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here. 1: Forget it, I quit! I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode! My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know where I'm going! My dad just died! We just killed Bambi! I'm out here gettin' my ass kicked, and everytime I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge impartment! (full quote)
4927 I know where you sleep and I've seen where you live. I swear on all that's holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you. (full quote)
5026 Is that all ya got Captain Limp Wrist? (full quote)
5026 If I wanted a kiss I would have called your mother! (full quote)
5159 Ya know what? If you don't know how to use your seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tackhammer because you are a RETARD... (full quote)
5267 Richard who's your favorite Little Rascal, Alfalfa or Spanky? (full quote)
5539 Excuse me, excuse me......D plus...no way...I..passed! Im gonna graduate!I passed!!(hugs guy)I wish we would have known each other, this is a little awkward.I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (full quote)
5933 He's a big dumb animal isn't he folks? (full quote)
6033 1. A lot of people take seven years to graduate from college. 2. Yeah they call them doctors. (full quote)
6034 >It's a clip on. >>Are you sure? (full quote)
6034 >Oh great M&M's inside the dash, that'll really up the resale value of the car. >>They have a thin candy shell, I'm surprised you didn't know that. >I think your head has a thick candy shell. >>Shut up Richard. >Are you still talking? (full quote)
6034 >what is that smell? >>It's pine, car airfreshener sir. >Great, now that you've pinpointed the smell, the next step is eliminating it. (full quote)
6235 #1 i'm picking up your sarcasism #2 well i should hope so because i'm laying it on pretty thick (full quote)
6252 That was AWESOME!!...oh, yea...er...sorry about the car. (full quote)
6298 T:Richard, were you watching SPANKTRAVISION? R: Ok, let's hit it T:Hey!That's a pretty girl down there R: That's great T: I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees... (full quote)
6383 Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid? (full quote)
6383 what'd ya do?! (full quote)
6388 It's called reading, top to bottom left to right. A group a words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps. (full quote)
6388 #1)Hey, did ya hear I finally graduated? #2)Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right. #1)You know a lot a people go to college for 7 years. #2)I know, they're called doctors! (full quote)
6631 Richard: Did that board to the head knock something loose? Tommy: What are you talking about? Richard: That 180 you pulled on the waitress back there. Why can't you sell like that? Tommy: I was just having fun. We didn't get the wings, so what? We still got that Meat-Lovers pizza in the trunk. Richard: No, you got the wings 'cause you were relaxed. See, you had confidence. And that's what it takes to sell: confidence. Your dad had that. Uugh! Why do you always have to de-turd these things? Tommy: My dad was smart: I'm not. Richard: Very true, but there's 2 types of smarts: book smart, which waved bye-bye to you long ago, and then there's street smart, the ability to read people. And you know how to do that, just like your dad. He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear and what people needed to hear, and that's what selling's all about. In a way, these people are buying you, not just break pads. Tommy: Hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins! Maybe you're right, Richard. Richard: I think I am. HOLY LORD!! Look at this guy: caught him right after Thanksgiving feast. Tommy: That's great, Richard. Richard: I need a Pooper-Scooper. (full quote)
6659 It looks real! (full quote)
6770 Brothers dont shake hands...Brothers gotta hug (full quote)
6783 Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers hug! (full quote)
6890 brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
6890 Richard, don't run away from your feelings! (full quote)
6890 House keeping, you want mint for pillow? (full quote)
6890 Richard were you watching SPANKtravision? Hey that's a pretty girl down there, I wonder if she dates one of the YANKee's? (full quote)
7012 BrothERS DON'T SHAKE HANDS, BrothERS GOT TO HUG (full quote)
7012 BrothERS DON'T SHAKE HANDS, BrothERS GOTTA HUG (full quote)
7012 NOT HERE OR HERE, BUT RIGHT HERE (full quote)
7012 WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THIS WORLD A THING OR TWO, WE'RE.......... (full quote)
7012 1. LUKE I AM your FATHER.....IT'S FROM STARWARS 2. I KNOW (full quote)
7222 so did u hear i finally graduated yeah in a shade under a decade too allright you know alot of people go to college for 7 years i know there called doctors (full quote)
7642 1)Look Mommy the rinos getting too close to the car 2) Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy 1) Thats it big boy I'm gonna whale on you (full quote)
7805 You're a naughty pet...YOU'RE NAUGHTY!! (full quote)
7900 Your....head..has..the..shell.on.it are you talking shut up, Richard (full quote)
8826 1)Everybody this'll only take a second. (everyone screams and drops to the floor) 2)Have you done this before? (full quote)
8826 1)I saw your step-brother kissing your step-mother. 2)So? 1)With his tongue. 1 and 3)Eww! (full quote)
8850 I'm a maniac, MANIAC! (full quote)
8850 1.So, how do we look? 2. Chubby!? (full quote)
9588 Housekeeping, want me Jack - You - Off (full quote)
9657 1. I saw your brother and your stepmom at the airport and they were kissing. 2. So? 1. With their tongues. 2. Ahh, doin' his mommy. (full quote)
9657 Stop the trucks...stop Tommy Boy! (full quote)
9841 Oh, I've interrupted happy hour! (full quote)
9982 No,it's got to be your bull (full quote)
10134 Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in. Tommy: Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. Richard: True...but you can't latch the hood too well IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE WORTHLESS! Tommy: I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless, I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad. Richard: That's right your not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves! Tommy: Ketchup popsicle!? Richard: Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I'M BIG TOM'S SON, HE'LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I'M ALLOWED TO BE A MORAN! Tommy: THAT'S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT'S GO TIME! YOU AND ME! Richard: Look mommmy! The rhino's getting too close the car! Tommy: Him to 'fraid to get out. He just a little guy. Richard: That's it big boy, I'm gonna wail on you. You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky! Tommy: HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT'S PAPA SMURF! Richard: You don't want none of me, think it through. Tommy: Come on! Gimmie your best shot, I'll give ya a free one, lemme have it!...That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can't ya Cap'n Limpwrist...try again!...Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft!? Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother...UGGHH!...that was a good one. Richard: Hey! Prehistoric Forest! (full quote)
10412 No...its gotta be your bull. (full quote)
ShadowDragyn (after hugging a guy) I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward. (full quote)
  You don't take dead animals to the vet.We take you to the vet, we take you to the....yeah you got that.Shutup Richard (full quote)
  I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and i'de get them lodged, right in this region here (full quote)
  Apparently they give a lot fewer D+'s than D-'s. It's not a grade they like to give out, I'll tell ya that right now. (full quote)
  Now some of us are leaving and that is sad. But this isn't the end. No way! We're gonna show this world a thing or to... We're gonna.... CRASSHHHHH!! (full quote)
  Richard Hayden: Ya know what? If you don't know how to use your seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tackhammer because you are a retard. (full quote)
  richard your a riot! my thing got stuck in my zipper and i got piss all over my pants! (full quote)
  That doesn't look like the answer. I don't remember eating that. (full quote)
  Late again Tommy? You're pathetic! Shut up Richard!!! (full quote)
  We have to take him to the vet. You don't take dead animals to the vet, _ _ _ _ _ _ _. I'll take you to the vet I'll...take...you... Got that? SHUT UP, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (full quote)
  (richard opens door and it falls off) Tommy: what'd you do!! (full quote)
  that...was...the...coolEST thing i have EVER seen....sucks about your car man. (full quote)
  (Carpenter's song playing in the background) Long ago and oh so far away...Talk about lame...yeah totally...you can chang it if you want...I don't care it's up to you...I can live with it if you can...suit yourself ...pause... (Richard and Tommy in tearful unison)Don't you remember you told me you love me baby... (full quote)
  (Carpenter's song playing in the background) Long ago and oh so far away...Talk about lame...yeah totally...you can chang it if you want...I don't care it's up to you...I can live with it if you can...suit yourself ...pause... (Richard and Tommy in tearful unison)Don't you remember you told me you love me baby... (full quote)
  So....whats for dinner? Chicken orrr chicken? (full quote)
  1)YOU TAKE DEAD ANIMALS TO THE VET 2) well ill take you to the... 1) ya got that 2) shut up richard (full quote)
  1) i was just checking the specks on the rotary for tghe gurter im retarded. (full quote)
  1) you know i think you8r gunna be ok here tehy have a thin candy shell im surprised you didnt know that 2) i think your brain has a thick candy shell. 1) your heads got the.. shell on it... 2)you got that. 1) shut up richard. (full quote)
  Bees! Killer bees! Save yourself! your firearms are useless against them! (full quote)
  Yea, my dad used to go out here when i was a kid, and i'd be over there on the beach, and he'd yell to me, QUIT PLAYIN WITH UR DINGY!! Cadillac (full quote)
  Richard...what were you doing? Work, just working on some papers....Richard....were you watching Spanktravision??? Heeeyyy....thats a pretty girl out there,i wonder if her boyfriend's one of the YANKEES!!!()Richard...whose you favorite Little Raschal? Alpha Alpha....or Spankey....Go to sleep Tommy... ---Cadillac (full quote)
  House Keeping...You want change of sheets?....Noo...want..sleepy...go away....House keeping..you want pillow fluffed? No....i wanna sleep...House Keeping....You want mint for pillow? NO! i want sleepy...please let me SLEEP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!...Oh richard...it's YOU!!!!---Cadillac (full quote)
  But what if the Guarantee Fairy's a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there's change missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times (full quote)
  I could hear you getting fatter (full quote)
  Lady:Then the Whores come in...WHORES! doin their little be--hind dance for the men folk! . Richard:i kinda like her idea . man: i visited a prostitute once during the war and my life has been a living hell ever since (full quote)
  Your driving along, driving along, the kids are in the back saying, 'I got to go to the bathroom daddy','Not now dammit. Truck tire. I cant stop. There's a cliff. Aaaaah.(Smash)Here comes the meat wagon eoooeoooeooo. The new guys pukin his guts out. (full quote)
  Quit playing with your Dingy!!! (full quote)
  Yeah that was cool, in the first grade! (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta hug!! (full quote)
  I can't believe he called me a phsycho...were you in there just a second ago? you are a phsycho! (full quote)
  Hey can you speak a little louder? i can't hear you richard's vacuuming...i don't know i guess he's clean? (full quote)
  how do we look? chubby....hahahha...i think that's the champagne talking... (full quote)
  awesome...you can put a six pack of be..soda in there! (full quote)
  NICE DISTANCE! (full quote)
  yeah like i'd forget a fat guy with a tiny head...richard do i have a tiny head? (full quote)
  Tommy:Richard, does this suit make me look fat? Richard:No no no, your face does. (full quote)
  wow, lainie diamond, you do not know what the hell you are talking abut because half of that stuff in that quot is VERY VERY wrong..it's 'jam an OAR up your ass'...why would he have said door? he's on a boatand that would make most sense if he said oar, which he does...o (full quote)
  what are we serving tonight? Chicken or... chicken? (full quote)
  Let's say your drivin' along the raod with your family and your drivin' along la de la woo woo. And all of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And then you hit then you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR! Woah , That was close! HA HA. And now let's see what happens when your drivin' with the other guys brake pads. Your drivin' along, your drivin' along and the kids are yellin' from the back seat. I gotta go to the bathroom daddy. NOT NOW DAMN IT! Truck tire EEEEERRRRRRR! I CAN'T STOP!!!!!!! UUUGH UGGH help! There's a cliff AHHHHH! Bang! And your family's screamin' OH MY GOD, WERE BURNING ALIVE! NO, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS! Here comes the meat wagon WWEEEEOOOOOO WWWWWWEEEEEOOOOO. And the medic gets out and says OH MY GOD! New guy's in the corner pukin' his guts out BLLLLLAAAHHHHH BBBBBBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH! All becouse you wanted to save a couple extra Pennies. (full quote)
  Tommy: Richard, is this your coat? Richard: Tommy, no. Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Take it off dickhead, I'm serious Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat, Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Tommy... Tommy: Richard, what's happ- RIIIIIIIIP (full quote)
  Richard: This is Tommy he'll be taking you through my lil schpeil here...he is a scorpio, likes biking and has never been laid...(shrugs to Tommy) Ok, exits...there should be some over there, one back here and one usually over by the wing somewhere...seatbelts...ok, you put the little end in the big end and you know what, if you dont know how to buckle a seatbelt ring your call button and Tommy will come over and hit you in the head with a tackhammer because you are a retard...life perservers, all though, I dont think that we'll hit a lake my guess is it will be a mountain...any how...you put it over your head like so, and pull... (Tommy chokes because it was a child perserver)he's a big dumb animal isn't he? (full quote)
  Richard:Knock, Knock...Housekeeping Tommy: No Thank You... Richard:Knock, Knock...what me fluff pillow?? Tommy: No pillow, need sleepy.. Richard:Knock, Knock...what fresh towel? Tommy: GO AWAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Richard:Knock, Knock...what me jerk you off? Tommy: what kinda hotel is this? oh it's you.. Richard: They just called, and ordered an order of brake pads and according to my calculations that puts us over the mark Tommy: WE DID IT..Oh Richard, hold me... Richard:Oh boy... Tommy: Dont run away from your feelings... (full quote)
  1. You worthless no selling waste of space. 2. I know I'm not my dad but you dont have to call me worthless. 1. Your right, your not your dad, Your dad could sell a ketsup popsicle to a woman with white gloves. The one person that should care about the business, you, doesn't. (full quote)
  tommy- richard is there a mark on my face Richard- nope Tommy- it doesnt hurt here or here so much, but right here Richard- nope, ship shape (full quote)
  Tommy: I didn't rob the bank Kid: OH Ya, like it was some other realy fat guy with a tiny head. Tommy: I have a tiny head? (full quote)
  Richard... were you watching spanktravision? (full quote)
  ( Tommy's doin' a hand stand and lets out a puff of smoke)WOMBAT! (full quote)
  Richard: I need your John Hancock, sir. Tommy Boy: John Hancock,its Herbie Hancock. (full quote)
  Tommy: look its even got a fridge. You can put a six pack beeerrrr...soda in here. (full quote)
  1.jesus, what happened to you did you fall into some white mud?2. There is no such thing as white mudd!!1. No dats cuz i said did.... you .. fall... into... some .... crud!!! (full quote)
  Shut up Richard! (full quote)
  Could've done without that! (full quote)
  Brothers don't sahke hands. Brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
  Paul: So what do you guys do in this town BESIDES eat? Tommy: Oh we can go scope the 4-H babes, Throw things off a bridge..... Paul: I was kind of hoping for something a little more exciting. Tommy: oh, all you can handle brother! (full quote)
  Knock knock knock......Housekeeping,Housekeeping, You want mint on your pillow? NO! go away! knock knock...housekeeping, you want french kissing, nooo leave me alone....housekeeping you want me jerk you off..wat the?! (full quote)
  Brother's don't shake hands, brothers hug!!!-tommy (full quote)
  Kid 1: Hey,tubo,you ain't moving! Tommy:Yeah,need a little wind here. Kid 2: No,you need to drop a couple hundred pounds,blimp! Tommy:I guess that's what you think! Kid 3:Hey,yo,santa's limp,like your d---! Tommy:Watch your language in front of the lady punk! Kid 1:Hey,Gilligan!Did you eat the Skipper? Tommy:You better prat to the lord of skinny punks,that this wind dosen't pick up,cause I'll come over there,and jam a oar up your a--! Kid 2:Hey,lady look out,there's a fat whale on your boat! Kid 3:Yeah,Free Willy! Michelle:Listen up,you little spazioids!I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep,and I swear to everything Holy,you're mother's will cry when they see what I've done to you! I was just kidding,I have no idea where they live. Tommy:That was awesome! (full quote)
  Tommy: RICHARD!?! what'D YOU DO?! (full quote)
  its called reading top to bottm left to right take tynol for headaches midol for cramps (full quote)
  Brothers Dont Shake Hands , Brothers Gatta HUG! (full quote)
  I'm a maniac MANIAC (full quote)
  what'd you doooo?? (full quote)
  Tommy: Wait just a sec Ted, you suppose a man buy's a box marked guranteed because he wants to feel all warm inside, am I right? Ted: it makes a man feel good, Tommy: sure, why wouldn't it, hell if you left it under your pillow at night, the guranteed fairly might leave you a quarter, am I right Ted? Ted: whats your point, Tommy: Well what I'm trying to say is how do you know this fairly isn't a crazy glue sniffer, build a model airplane he says well we're not buying it. He snuck into your house one time, that's all it takes, next thing you know your daughter's knocked up and there's money missing off your dresser, I've seen it a hundred times Ted: What's your point? Tommy: What I'm trying to say is when you buy a box marked guranteed, all your getting is a guranteed piece of shit. Hey if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guranteed, I will, I have spare time. But for your daughter's sake, for your company's sake, you might wanna buy a quality product from me. Ted: Alright I'll buy it Tommy: Well thats, WHAT!? (full quote)
  hey tommy lok at that bigass bimbo yaaaaaaa shes awsome (full quote)
  hey tommy lok at that bigass bimbo yaaaaaaa shes awsome (full quote)
  This isn't a quote. This is for the people that are submitting the quotes incorrectly. You are retarded. You need to watch the movie again. (full quote)
  Tommy: How do you know the tooth fairy isn't some crazy glue-sniffer. 'Buildin' model air planes,' he tells them. Well I'm not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, thats all it takes. Next thing you know you got money missing off your dresser drawer and your daughter's knocked up. (full quote)
  heres what i think of calahan auto parts *pissssss*zzzzzz*(gets shocked by the elctrical box (full quote)
  You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up (full quote)
  Is it just me or does Tommy look Bloated. No, the camera adds a couple...hundred pounds. (full quote)
  Did you climb on powerlines as a kid.Haha, Why? (full quote)
  Daddy I need to go to the bathroom. Not now dangit! Oh no I can't stop. BANG BANG. Oh my God were burning alive. Here comes the Ambulance. WEEU WEEU. (full quote)
  what'd ya dooo?!?!? (full quote)
  this guy is trying to sell out our company not to mention put you on the streets and all you can say is *hmm he seems like a nice guy!* (full quote)
1335 Holy lord! aught this one right after Thanksgiving feast! I need a pooper scooper! (full quote)
1335 1. Hey, did you hear I finally graduated? 2. Yeah, in just a shade under a decade too! 1. Shut up! you know, a lot of people go to college for 7 years. 1. I know, they're called doctors! (full quote)
1335 I was just checking the specs for the rotary, girder, thingy, I'm retarded! (full quote)
1335 your brain's the one with the shell on it! (full quote)
1335 Ughh! Why do you always have to de-turd these things? (full quote)
6725 i got a D+!! I'm gonna graduate! (full quote)
6725 1) you got any money? cuz i got a plan... 2) yikes (full quote)
6725 1) listen im gonna need your john hancock on this one 2)john hancock, its HERBY hancock haha (full quote)
9937 Luuuke I am your faaaather, lor lor lay lo (full quote)
10047 Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
MaggieForMargaret I have what the doctors call, a little bit of a weight problem. (full quote)
11289 So what is there to do in this town anyway ? Well, we could go cow tipping or we could throw things off the bridge or we could go to the livestock auction and cruise the 4-H babes. (full quote)
12148 Fat guy in a littleee coat, Fattt guyyy in a littleeeee coatt.......Oh Richard (full quote)
12148 EXCUSE ME!...... This will only take a minute of your time! (full quote)
12563 yeah melted chocolate in the dash, that really ups the resale value. (full quote)
12743 Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off? Tommy: what kind of hotel is this? (full quote)
12877 If you want me to take a sh*t in a box and mark it guaranteed, ive got spare time. (full quote)
12910 Brothers don't shake hands, brothers hug! (full quote)
13050 #1. bees in the car, bees everywhere, god theyre huge, theyre ripping my flesh off! officer 1. son uh, roll around, u hear me? roll around on the ground. #1. forget that im starting to swell up. #2.save yourself, dont be the hero. officer 2. frank, im allergic to bees. officer 1. me too. #1. theyre huge and theyre sting crazy. officer 1. we..we'll come back later and check on ya. officer 2. yeah in a while. #2. save yourself. #1 your firearms are useless against them. #1 & #2. AHHHHHHHHH (full quote)
13417 I was checking the uh.. specs on the end line.. for the rotary... gurter... I'm retarded. (full quote)
13417 It's called reading... top to bottom... left to right. You group words together to form a sentence. Take tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps. (full quote)
13417 No... I mean.. you could get a good look at a T-BONE by sticking your head up a BUTCHER'S ass... but then... NO.. it's got to be your bull. (full quote)
13417 Forget it, I quit! I can't do this anymore, man! My head's about to explode! My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going! My dad just died.. We just killed Bambi.. I'm out here getting my ass kicked, and everytime I drive down the road, I want to jerk the wheel into a god-damn bridge embankment. (full quote)
13417 1.)Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge! they're ripping my flesh off! 2.)son... uh.. roll around! roll around on the ground! 1.)Forget that, I'm starting to swell up! 3.)Save yourself! don't be the hero! 2.)Frank.. I'm allergic to bees! 4.)me too! 1.)They're huge and they're sting crazy! 2.)We'll come back and we'll check on you! 3.)save yourself! 1.)your fire arms are useless against them! (full quote)
13417 ow let's see what happens when you drive with the OTHER guy's brake-pads.. you're driving along, you're driving along, then all of a sudden the kids are yelling in the backseat, 'I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'NOT NOW, DAMNIT!'-- truck tire! RRRRR! I can't stop!!! AHHH!! AHHH! HELLLP! THERE'S A CLIFF!!! AHHHHHH!! And your family's screaming, 'OH MY GOD, WE'RE BURNING ALIVE!! NOOO, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!' In comes the meat wagon! WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO.. And the medic gets out and says 'OH MY GOD...'... new guy's in the corner puking his guts out... all because... you wanted to save a few extra pennies... (full quote)
13417 Now let's see what happens when you drive with the OTHER guy's brake-pads.. you're driving along, you're driving along, then all of a sudden the kids are yelling in the backseat, 'I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'NOT NOW, DAMNIT!'-- truck tire! RRRRR! I can't stop!!! AHHH!! AHHH! HELLLP! THERE'S A CLIFF!!! AHHHHHH!! And your family's screaming, 'OH MY GOD, WE'RE BURNING ALIVE!! NOOO, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!' In comes the meat wagon! WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO.. And the medic gets out and says 'OH MY GOD...'... new guy's in the corner puking his guts out... all because... you wanted to save a few extra pennies... (full quote)
13417 My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does... RIGHT here... not here... or here so much, but RIGHT HERE. (full quote)
13417 Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
13591 For the love of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (full quote)
13809 #1: A lot of people go to college for ten years. #2: Yeah, they're called doctors. (full quote)
13829 kid:Hey there's the guy that robbed the bank.Tommy:I didn't rob any bank. kid:Yeah right like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head! Tommy:I have a tiny head?! (full quote)
14289 Ive got cat like speeding reflexes! (full quote)
14477 God, I can hear you getting fatter (full quote)
14628 Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
14628 Did I catch a niner in there? Were ya callin' from a walkie-talkie? (full quote)
14628 Oh, look you've got a window. And why shouldn't you...you've been her five minutes! (full quote)
14628 Oh, look you've got a window. And why shouldn't you...you've been here five minutes! (full quote)
15952 Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Let's say I go into some guy's office. Let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo, the indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. My pet is my possible sale so I stroke it and I pet it and I massage. Yeah I love my little naughty pet, your naughty. And then I take my naughty pet and I go (ripping noise). Ahhhh. I killed it. I killed my sale. That's when I blow it. (full quote)
16100 Oooh yeh thats it, thaats it, time to take off that itchy robe. No no its OK, theres no-one around. Its NAUGHTY TIME! (full quote)
16156 Fat Guy in a little coat...Fat Guy in a little coat... (full quote)
16543 I've seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that... was... AWESOME!!! Oh, sorry about your car, man. (full quote)
17848 (Tb)does this suit make me look fat? (R)No, no, your face does (full quote)
18250 Housekeeping, you want me jack you off? (full quote)
20170 Housekeeping you want meet jerk you off..? (Jumping up qickly from his bed)what kind of motel is this. (full quote)
vanilla Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard Hayden: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard Hayden: Yeah, they're called doctors. (full quote)
25012 Can we get any more moths in here? (full quote)
25012 Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. (full quote)
25012 (1)Why do they put a guarantee on the box then? (2)'Cause they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed I will, I got spare time. (full quote)
25012 ...but for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, you might wanna think about buying a quality product from me. (full quote)
25012 (1)Hey! There's even a fridge! This is great! You could put six packs of b... soda in here...milk...yogurt...you could put candy bars in the freezer! (2)Anything that you want to keep cool. (full quote)
25012 (1)Richard, check out my new office! (2)You have a window. And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes. (full quote)
25012 (1)If this factory goes under this whole town goes under. (2)And that's when the whores come in. (Groans from the group) (3)Here we go... (4)'Scuse me? What was that? (Groans from the group again) (2)Men laying their trick money down. $20 to pay the rent? Hm? Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore! (full quote)
25012 (1)Alright, now it's sale time. So remember we don't take no... (2)No shit from anyone! (1)Nooo... (2)Uh, we don't take no prisoners... (1)We don't take no for an answer (2)Oh Yeah! We don't take NO for an answer! (full quote)
25012 (1)I don't see any McKeesPort. (2)It's the next town Tons-o-fun, it's gotta be there. Ok, where's Moron? Ok, Moron's here so McKeesPort... (full quote)
25012 (1)Oh no, loading it up took us over an hour. Now we only got 20 minutes before Brady automotive closes. (2)Yeah, well, where are we gonna take the deer? (1)I don't know, the vet? (2)You take dead animals to the vet? (1)Why not? Take you to the vet. (2)Yeah, I'll take you to the...... (1)Got that? (2)Shut up. (full quote)
25012 (1)You can't just go in and out. You gotta finese 'em a little bit. (2)Hey, by finese do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire? (full quote)
25053 richard: need me for pillow tommy: go away richard: need me for blowjob tommy: what kind of hotel is this. (full quote)
26069 Richard, does this suit make me look fat? (2) No, your face does (full quote)
1ajas I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep and I swear to all that is holy your mothers will weep when they see what I've done to you. (full quote)
1ajas (after hugging) I wish we had known each other. This is a little awkward (full quote)
1ajas (1)A lot of people go to college for seven years... (2)Yeah, they're called doctors! (full quote)
1ajas Holy shnikees! (full quote)
1ajas I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep and I swear to everything holy your mothers will weep when they see what I've done to you! (full quote)
1ajas Tommy: Hey Richard, is this your coat? Fat guy in a little coat...fat guy in a little coat... Richard: Take it off dickhead I'm serious. Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. Richard: Don't! Tommy: Richard, what's happening? uh-oh.... (full quote)
1ajas I used to get bear claws lodged, two at a time, right here! (full quote)
1ajas I can almost hear you getting fatter. (full quote)
1ajas (1)Aww... that's gonna up the resale value... melted chocolate in the dash. (2)I think we're gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell on it. I'm surprised you didn't know that. (1)I think your brain has a thick candy shell on it. (2)Your brain's the one with... the shell on it. (1)Got that? (2)Shut up Richard! (full quote)
1ajas I have seen a lot of things in my life, but that...was...AWESOME!! Oh, but sorry about your car man. That..that sucks... (full quote)
1ajas Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Say I walk into some guys office and he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited and I'm like Jo-Jo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet, is my possible sale. Oh my pretty little pet. I love you. So I stroke it....and I pet it....and I massage it. And I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty... And then I take my naughty pet and I go....AHHHH! I killed it. I killed my sale! (full quote)
1ajas I was just checking the, ah, specs on the endline for the rotary girder... I'm retarded... (full quote)
1ajas (1)It's a clip-on. (2)Are you sure? (full quote)
1ajas i have what doctors like to call a little bit of a weight problem. (full quote)
1ajas (1)Hey Gilligan! Did you eat the skipper!? (2)YOU BETTER PRAY TO THE GOD OF skinNY PUNKS THAT THIS WIND DOESN'T PICK UP, CAUSE I'LL COME OVER THERE AND JAM AN OAR UP YOUR ASS! (full quote)
1ajas (1)Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was YOU who put the oil in. (2)Hey, if you're gonna say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident. (1)True...but you can't latch the hood too well IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT YOU NO SELLING WASTE OF SPACE! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE WORTHLESS! (2)I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless, I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad. (1)That's right you're not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves! (2)Ketchup popsicle!? (1)Yeah! I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father and he looked out for me, but you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted. HEY, I'M BIG TOM'S SON, HE'LL FIX EVERYTHING SO I'M ALLOWED TO BE A MORON! (2)THAT'S IT! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THE CAR! IT'S GO TIME! YOU AND ME! (1)Look mommmy! The rhino's getting too close the car! (2)Him too 'fraid to get out. He just a little guy. (1)That's it big boy, I'm gonna wail on you. You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky! (2)HEY BOYS AND GIRLS, IT'S PAPA SMURF! (1)You don't want none of me, think it through. (2)Come on! Gimme your best shot, I'll give ya a free one, lemme have it!...That was it!? Come on, you can do better than that, can't ya Cap'n Limpwrist...try again!... Hey everybody, is there a window open, I feel a draft! Ugghh!! Uhhh! If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother... UGGHH!...that was a good one. (1)Hey! Prehistoric Forest! (full quote)
1ajas Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid? (full quote)
1ajas These shoes are Italian, they're worth more than your life. (full quote)
1ajas Can we get any more moths in here? (full quote)
1ajas Next thing you know there's money missing off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. (full quote)
KCook That's what she said. She said. (full quote)
KoolKatt 'Hey lady, look out! There's a big fat whale on your boat!' 'Yeah, Free Willy!' 'Listen up, you little spazioids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep, and I swear to everything Holy, you're mother's will cry when they see what I've done to you!' (full quote)
Marvin Acme #1-Yeah well I wouldn’t say you did much better. Thought you were so cool. Watch and learn he says. Well I was watching you know what I saw? #1&2-AAAHH! #1-IT’S ALIVE! I think it tried to bite me! (full quote)
Marvin Acme I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life but…that..was…AWESOME! But sorry about your car man… it sucks. (full quote)
28186 No Tommy, don't give her the weight room line, scram! (full quote)
30083 I know where you live, and I've seen where you sleep and swear on everything holy, your mothers will CRY when they see what I've done to you! (full quote)
30083 1. You know a lot of people go to college for ten years. 2. Yeah, they're called doctors. (full quote)
30307 your dad could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. (full quote)
lifesaver63 1)Did you eat paint chips as a kid.....2)Yeah So? (full quote)
  Holy Shnikeys!!!! (full quote)
  I think it tried to bite me! (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
  If I wanted a kiss I woulda called your mother. (full quote)
  I got a D I passed! I passed!....I...I wish we would have known eachother....this is a little ackward... (full quote)
  Richard: you didnt call Tommy: ya i did Richard: what number did you call? Tommy: three seven six niner two... Richard: your trailing off and did i hear a niner in there? what are we using walkie talkies now? Tommy: Shut up richard! (full quote)
  He's vacuming. I don't know I guess he's clean. (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands....brothers HUUUUUG. (full quote)
  Mommy mommy the rhinos getting to close to the car!! (full quote)
  Richard:It's called reading- top to bottom, left to right, group of words together is a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps. Tommy:Shut up, Richard (full quote)
  (p1):maybe you shoulda called. (p2): I did call, earlier (p1)earlier... when was that? (p2) Err, later when I left a message. (p1)A message? what number did you call? (p2) 2-4-9er-5-6-7-8 (p1) I can't hear you, you're trailing off, and did I catch a 9er in there were you calling from a walkie talkie? (p2) no it was cordless... hey did you know i finished college? (p1) yeah and just a shade under a decade, alright! (p2) A lot of people go to college for 7 years (p1) i know, they're called doctors (full quote)
  Richard:Its called reading top to bottom left to right, put words together it forms a sentence, take tylenol for headachs midol for cramps. (full quote)
  Hey!, prehistoric village. (full quote)
  The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you was a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed if you want, I've got spare time. Hey, you never know, maybe the guarentee fairy will leave a nickel under you pillow, right? WHAT'S YOUR POINT? How do you know the guarentee fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer?? Build a model airplane, says the little fairy. Well I'm not buyin' it. Next thing you know there's money missing from the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. But right now, for your customer's sake, for your DAUGters sake, how about buying a QUALity product from me. OK, , , I'LL BUY FROM YOU. Well, that's . . . HUH? (full quote)
  see that thing in the back seat? thats no air freshener, that's a rotting deer carcass. (full quote)
  Tommy:Do u know where the weight room is??? Hott Chick:No Tommy:I'll check it ouy Hott chick:Sorry (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
  The reason why they have a guarrantee on the box is because they know all they sold you is a guarranteed piece of shit. Hell, I can take a crap in a box and slap a guarrantee on it for you, if that's what you want. But then all you have is a guaranteed piece of shit! (full quote)
  (Tommy is searching a map with no luck) Richard: Ok where's moron? Ok Moron's here *points at Tommy* Look Magellan we're at this wrinkle here. (full quote)
  Tommy: what's your hurry? Richard: Well you know that thing in the backseat? It's not an air freshener it's a dead rotting deer carcus. (full quote)
  john hancock.....its herbie hancock (full quote)
  Tommy: Hims too fraid to get out, hims just a little guy. Richard: Oh that's it big boy I'm gonna wail on you! (full quote)
  Tommy: Come on I'll give ya a free one! *Richard punches* Tommy: Did somebody leave a window open?! *Richard punches again* Tommy: That the best you got? *Richard gives him a triple smack* Tommy: If I had wanted a kiss I would have called your mother. *Richard smashes a 2X4 across Tommy's face* Tommy: That was a good one... (full quote)
  Tommy: But what if the Guarantee Fairy's a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there's change missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. (full quote)
  Tommy: Did you hear I graduated? Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right. Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years. Richard: Yeah, they're called doctors. (full quote)
  Richard: House keeping want me to fluff ur pillow, House keeping want to jerk u off? Tommy:what kind of place is this? (full quote)
  ( TOmmy is eating fries using lots of ketchup) Richard:Ewww, I can actually hear you getting fatter. Tommy:Shut up Richard (full quote)
  It doesnt hurt here, or here so much, but right here. (full quote)
  richard?Yeah tommy?who's your favorite little rascal alfalfa or spanky. (full quote)
  Tommy:Does this coat make me look fat? Richard:No, your face does. (full quote)
  Richard: Can I get your John Handcock right here? Tommy: Uh...It's Herby Handcock...bahhhhhhh. (full quote)
  Yea and sicne you were my dads right hand man, I'd have to say you got the rest of the month open.Wait a minute Timeout bad idea, I don't think anyone can help baby huey out there. Got any better plans! (full quote)
  hey brother....hi you must be tommy, i'm paul....brothers dont shake hands, brothers gotta HUG! (full quote)
  son of a....thats gonna leave a mark (full quote)
  HOLY SHNIKEYS!!! (full quote)
  Whores, running around, shaking their BEhinds... (full quote)
  Fat man in little coat (full quote)
  Killer bees! AAAAHHHHH! Protect yourself, your firearms are useless against them (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands...Brothers gotta hh ug (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands...brothers gotta hug!!! (full quote)
  Lil' roots please stay strong! (full quote)
  listen up you little spazoids i know where you live and ive seen where you sleep and i swear on evry thing holy that your mothers will cry when they see what i've done to you...i was just kidding, i dont know where they live (full quote)
  I'll just have a sugar packet or two! (full quote)
  if i wanted a kiss i woulda called your mother! (full quote)
  yo this sucks!! (full quote)
  YOU CAN FIT A SIX-PACK OF BEE....SODAS IN HERE. -ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KEEP cool SON. (full quote)
  tommy;And what did I tell you about eating in the car anyways. richard;That its not good cause it spoils your dinner!?hehehehehe (full quote)
  this is for Diamond Laine. Quote #2 is I guess that's you're THEORY. not fear. and #3 is your SAIL IS LIMP,like your dick! not ,hey, yo, santas limp. just thought I'd letchya know (full quote)
  I was just going over some documents. (full quote)
  You Know alot of people go to college for seven years. Yeah,They're called doctors. (full quote)
  listen up this will only take a second (full quote)
  did you eat alot of paint chips as a kid? (full quote)
  richared - oh look mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car. tommy- he's too afraid to get out, he's just a little guy. (full quote)
  Shut up Richard! (full quote)
  Don't tell me you've never been cow dipping before! Get ready to live... (full quote)
  wheres my dad? he was here earlier you should have called. i did call... earlier. earlier what time? or later. what number did you call? 24niner5678 i can't hear you your trailing off and did i catch a niner in there? were you calling from a walkie talkie? no it was cordless (full quote)
  Housekeeping! (full quote)
  ...and by 'finesse' do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments and lighting things on fire? (full quote)
  Tommy: Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show-- [he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it] (full quote)
  Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid? Tommy: [laughs] Why? (full quote)
  Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two. R.T.: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio. [shows Tommy the shipping address] R.T.: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy? Tommy: Uh...that's pretty much it for now. R.T.: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe. (full quote)
  Kid in bank: Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank. Tommy: I didn't rob any bank. Kid in bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head. Tommy: I got a tiny head? (full quote)
  Ray Zalinsky: Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid. Tommy: Sir, it's a taxicab air freshener. Ray Zalinsky: Great. You've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out. (full quote)
  Mrs. Nelson: Honey, look at this human bomb on the news. Ted Nelson: Huh? Yeah. I buy break pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons. (full quote)
  Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News: Is that why you strapped a bomb to your chest? Tommy: Oh, this isn't a bomb. These are road flares. Ray Zalinsky: Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something? Tommy: Ha ha ha. Why? (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands (full quote)
  A: You can get a six pack of beee...Coke in here. B: Anything you want to keep cold. (full quote)
  You could take a good look at butcher's ass by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take hisword for it?..Boy i've really got loss of words here... i mean, you could take a good look at a t-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass, wait , no, it's gotta be your bull (full quote)
  well u can get a good look at a T-Bone by sticking ur head a a bulls ass but wouldnt u rather take the butchers word for it? (full quote)
  hi i'm tom (full quote)
  Does this suit make me look fat? No, no your face does (full quote)
  A D+? Oh...My...God. I PASSED! (full quote)
  and that's when the whores will come (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands! Brothers gotta hug! (full quote)
  Tommy: Wucha do, is you put your shoulder into her and ya push. Paul: And? Tommy: They fall over! (full quote)
  Oh pray to the gods all skinny punks, that tgis wind dont pick or ill comeover there and shove a oar up your ass. (full quote)
  Hey Richard, is that your coat, dont even think about it fat guy in a little coat, Im serious man dont, Fat Guy in a little coat Fatguy in a little coat, oh Richard whats happening. Ripppppppppppppppppppppppppppp (full quote)
  What my partner is saying is our brake pads are really cool, say for example you be driving along dooot doot truck tire in the middle of the road errrrrr that was close heres what happends when driving with the other guys brake pads, your just driving along kids are in the backseat screaming I gotta go to the bathroom daddy, not now damn it truck tire I cant stop,wrrreee thiers cliff boom boom, oh my god were burning alive diren diren, the new guys inthe back puking his guts out blahhh blahh. (full quote)
  David Spade: I know you'sd like to sit there being not slim, but we've got work to do. (full quote)
  Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid? Tommy: Why? (full quote)
  Tommy (refering to Ray Zalinsky): He seems like a nice guy. Richard: This guy's trying to buy us out, not to mention put you out of business, and all you can say is 'He seems like a nice guy' (full quote)
  Tommy likie! Tommy want wingy! (full quote)
  It doesn't hurt here. And it doesn't hurt here. Just right in here. (full quote)
  my dad just died, i just killed bambi, and everytime i drive i wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge impartment. (full quote)
  Brothers don't shake hands – BrothERS HUG!! (full quote)
  boy (full quote)
  Tommy:[repeated line, to Richard] Shut up, Richard! (full quote)
4927 Look kids, it's Papa Smurf. (full quote)
4927 Tommy want wingy. (full quote)
4927 A) You can put six packs of bee...sodas, candy bars... B) Yeah, son, whatever you want to keep cold. (full quote)
4927 I was just checking the rotary girder...I'm retarded! (full quote)
4927 A) Richard, I've...got...a...plan. B) Yikes! (full quote)
4927 (singing)Fat guy in a little coat...fat guy in a little coat. (full quote)
10929 Superstar. (full quote)
beekers 1) It's a clip-on 2)Are ya sure? (full quote)
Gail *KNOCK**KNOCK* HOUSEkeeping! (full quote)
35210 Tough luck, kid, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Dearest Z. (full quote)
40504 the average person uses 10 percent of their brain..you use 1 1/2 percent...the rest is clogged with bong resin (full quote)
41314 Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking on a walky-talky? (full quote)
41409 ...next thing ya know, there's change missin' off the dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times. (full quote)
41409 Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter. (full quote)
41409 #1: Is that Tommy? He looks bloated.#2: Yeah that's him, the camera adds a few hundred pounds. (full quote)
41409 Awww! Melted candy in the dash that really ups the resale value! (full quote)
41409 I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. (full quote)
41409 what's funny about that? They tip over! (full quote)
41409 Late again Tommy? Shut up Richard! (full quote)
41409 #1: I'll have some chicken wings.#2: Kitchen's closed. All we got's cold stuff and desserts.#1: Boy some chicken wings'd really hit the spot, are you sure the kitchens closed?#2: Lemme check. Yep, still closed. (full quote)
41409 #1: Not here. Or here so much. But right here. #2: Nope, shipshape. (full quote)
43571 Look Magellan, we're at this wrinkle, here..... (full quote)
44862 No offence, but if I sent a picture of your mom to my friends she'd defenitly be bonner of the month. (full quote)
44862 1)There they are, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left she's perfect. Which one do you want? Huh huh huh? OK. 2)Does it really matter? 1)Oh yeah, wait a second, is this your first time? 2)Yeah Tommy it is. 1)Hun your gonna remember this the rest of your life. I can't beleive you've never been cow tippin before. Well get ready to live. Now what you do is you put your shoulders into her and you push. 2)And? 1)They fall over. (laughing) 2)Doesn't this strike you as kinda dumb? 1)We're family, we're gonna be doin tons of dumb stuff. Wait til Christmas. (full quote)
46149 #1 Richard, what where you doing? #2 I was going over some documents. #1 Oh well where are they, Geez I don't see them. #2 They're in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza. #1 They're closed. How could you be reading documents if they're in your briefcase. Hum, that's a mystery. Richard were you watching, Spanktravison? Or maybe you were watching a show with that funny little comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Wackit (full quote)
46149 Tommy, hurry up. your going to be late for school again, (kid climbs down rope ladder, runs) Son of a.... (full quote)
46149 Late again Tommy, your pathetic, Shut up Richard (full quote)
46149 #1Whoa Man, haha, hey guys do i look different now that im a college grad. #2Um, not really. #1 It's obvious they give alot more D+'s then D-'s i'll tell you that right now. #3 Yeah, you said that. #2 So that's it for school huh, now what? #1 No Idea, hahaha. But for now i'll probably go back and work at dad's loading docks, then we'll see. #4 Well im going to miss you man you were the best. #1 No man you were the best, i love all you guys...expecially you uhh, HAHAHAHA. I'm going to make at toast. To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born. Maybe weren't the smartest kids on campus. Hm, maybe we spent a little to much time thrown up off balaconies, but we had fun right? Yeah. (takes hit from bong. cont.) Now some of us are leaving and that is sad, but were not going down, no way. We're going to show this world a thing or two. We're going to show. (Collapses through table) Guys: Haha HAHAHAHA (full quote)
46826 fat guy in a little coat (full quote)
goochman And this is what happens when you use the other guy's brake pads: You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along kid's are in the back seat screamin', "Daddy I gotta pee!" "Not now, damn it!". Uh oh, truck tire (brakes screeching). I can't stop! Oh there's cliff. (makes crashing noises). Oh we're burning alive! I can't feel my legs! In comes the meat wagon (makes siren noises). Ordely steps out and looks at the wreckage, "Oh my God." New guy's over the corner pukin' his guts out (wretching). All because you wanted to save a couple of pennies. (full quote)
goochman (1)That's it! Outta the car! (2)Mommy, mommy, the rhino's getting close. (1)Oh, him's afwaid, him's just a wittle guy. (2)That's it big fella, I'm gonna wail on you. (1)Well look everybody, it's Papa Smurf! (2)Think it over, you don't want any of me. (1)Come on, gimme your best shot. *punch* That was it? Come on you can do better than that can't you, Captain Limpwrist? *punch* Hey is there a window open? I think I feel a draft. *several punches* If would of wanted a kiss I would gone to your mother. *wack with 2x4* That was a good one. (full quote)
goochman -Lot's a people gp to college for seven years. -Yeah, they're called doctors. (full quote)
egbluesuede That's gonna leave a mark (full quote)
egbluesuede That's gonna leave a mark (full quote)
glowincaterpillar I was checking the, uh, s... specs on the end line for the rotary girder. I'm retarded. (full quote)
Emmett_the_Flyer Man, did I get douched with mud! (full quote)
weshasawi Person 1: My dad was smart, I'm not! Person 2: Very true, but there's two types of smart, books smart, which waved bye-bye to you a long time ago. And there's streets smart, the ability to read people. Your dad had that, and you have it too. (full quote)
rocknout Richard, who is your favorite little rascal? Alphalfa or Spanky? Sinner. (full quote)
rocknout Richard, who is your favorite little rascal? Alphalfa or Spanky? Sinner. (full quote)