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Dogma - 1999 Movie Quotes


Posted ByQuote
bigcat58 Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. (full quote)
bigcat58 1) This from a guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be bigger, E.T. or Krush Groove. 2) Hey, fuck you, man, 'cause times gonna tell on that one. (full quote)
bigcat58 Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (full quote)
bigcat58 We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck? (full quote)
3225 back off, Kato (full quote)
3225 Go back to your paper route, ya mighty duck fucks! (full quote)
3225 You lead a good life...but you didn't say God bless you when I sneezed... (full quote)
  If I were you, I wouldn't underestimate the drawing power of the garden state and arrive two hours early. (full quote)
agwendolyn I feel like I'm Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar! (full quote)
agwendolyn We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck? (full quote)
agwendolyn Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. (full quote)
4301 I'm as anatomically impaired as a ken doll (full quote)
4354 1) Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yeilded positive results. 2) You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. (full quote)
  Church laws are fallible because they are created by humans. (full quote)
4531 1: Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (full quote)
4531 1: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid. 2: Well, let's do the next best thing. 1: What's that? 2: Let's kill people. (full quote)
4531 1: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. 2: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes. (full quote)
  I didnt cum in you pete i swear (full quote)
3225 what do you want to do, fellas? Look like a couple of fairies? (full quote)
4821 NO TICKET... (full quote)
  no ticket (full quote)
3310 all i'm trying to say is i think one of us needs a little nap. (full quote)
ProKiller 1: what gear are you in? 2: GEAR?!?! (full quote)
  no pleasure no rapsure no exquisite sin greater then cental air (full quote)
  what the shit is that? (full quote)
5172 Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears, right about . . . now. (full quote)
5172 Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them. (full quote)
  Beautiful big tittied bitches just don't fall out of the sky you know! (full quote)
5893 Bethany, you are the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, greatgrand niece of Jesus Christ. So that would make Bethany part black? (full quote)
5893 Bethany, you are the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, greatgrand niece of Jesus Christ.(Jay)So that would make Bethany part black? (full quote)
6006 Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay: I can't wait to die. (full quote)
6006 Jay: Let's get making with the love. Bethany: what?! Jay: It's a nice way of saying 'Let's bone'. (full quote)
6006 Bartleby: Our last two days on Earth. If I had a dick I'd go get laid. Loki: Well, let's do the next best thing. Bartleby: What's that? Loki: Let's kill people. (Lady almost spits up her coffee) Loki: No, not you. (full quote)
6042 1: If you know so much, tell me something about myself. 2: You masturbate more than anyone else on the planet. 1: Shit, everyone knows that. Tell me something else. 2: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. (full quote)
6042 1: You knew Jesus? 2: Knew him? Nigga owes me twelve bucks. (full quote)
Risika I'm a fucking demon (full quote)
6199 1) Are you suggesting I need to get filled? 2) In more ways than one. You need to get laid Bethany Sloan. Find a man, if only for 10 minutes. 1) It has been my experience that a man, is never a man even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. 2) That's sounding a bit militant, are you thinking of joining the other side? 1) Couldn't do it, women are insane. 2) Then you need to go back to church nad ask God for a thrid option. 1) I think God is dead 2) Spoken like a true catholic (full quote)
6199 1) Are you suggesting I need to get filled? 2) In more ways than one. You need to get laid Bethany Sloan. Find a man, if only for 10 minutes. 1) It has been my experience that a man, is never a man even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. 2) That's sounding a bit militant, are you thinking of joining the other side? 1) Couldn't do it, women are insane. 2) Then you need to go back to church nad ask God for a thrid option. 1) I think God is dead 2) Spoken like a true catholic (full quote)
6199 1) Are you suggesting I need to get filled? 2) In more ways than one. You need to get laid Bethany Sloan. Find a man, if only for 10 minutes. 1) It has been my experience that a man, is never a man even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. 2) That's sounding a bit militant, are you thinking of joining the other side? 1) Couldn't do it, women are insane. 2) Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a thrid option. 1) I think God is dead 2) Spoken like a true catholic (full quote)
6199 1) Never let it be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yeilded positive results. 2) You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus 1) outstanding! (full quote)
6199 1) We're going home. . .someone sent us this in the mail. . . .would you take it? and stop learing at me people are going to think I just broke up with you 2) you did just say we're going home. . . (full quote)
  1)Okay, tell me something about myself that no one else knows. 2)you masturbate more than anyone on earth. 1)Shit, everyone knows that. 2)Yeah, but when you do it, you're thinkin about guys. (full quote)
6199 1) her, and where is she, that's the only thing I haven't figured out 2) oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan no matter how close you think you are to winning (full quote)
  Jay: SNOOCH TO THE MOTHERFUCKING NOOCH!!!!!! (full quote)
  Jay: what THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HUG MY HEAD. Metatrone: Major talker isn't he? (God nods her head) Jay: what THE FUCK IS THIS, PIONO PLAYER OR SOMETHING, WHY THE FUCK IS THIS BROAD TALKING? (full quote)
4943 I just like to fuck with the clergy; keep 'em on their toes (full quote)
4943 You can't be anal rententive if you don't have an anus, my friend. (full quote)
  (Character 1) You masterbate more than anyone on the planet (Character 2) Shit man everyone knows that... tell me something i dont know (Character 1) When you do it, you think about guys! (full quote)
7446 That's human beings for you - easily misled. From the Garden of Eden to the 'Thigh Master' - thev believe what they're told. I'm telling you - one day they're all going to watch one too many John Hughes flicks and start looking for Shermer, Illinois. (full quote)
  Do you do anal, is it true chicks fart when you blast them in the ass. (full quote)
  Bob's gonna wack someone with his Johnny be good stick (full quote)
  Snoogans (full quote)
  Jay: I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU, WE FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU, guys like us just don't fall out from the sky. (Rufus falls falls from nowhere and lands right in front of them) Jay: Beautiful, naked, big tittie, women just don't fall from the sky (looks up desperately) (full quote)
7642 U know that guy too?...That fuckin guy...Made this flick, 16 candles, not bad there's tits in it but no bush...But Ebert over here dont give a shit bout that kinda thing cuz hes like all in love with this John Hughes..Fuckin Weird Sciene...Where this babe wants to take off her gear and get down but Oh No she dont cuz its a PG movie...Fuckin Breakfast Club, where all these stupid kids accually show up for detention...And then...Pretty in Pink...Which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore cuz every time it gets to the part where the red-head looks over at her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit... (full quote)
7213 Good-afternoon Mrs. Reynolds. I'm from the EPA... (full quote)
7924 Our last two days on earth? Man, if I had a dick I'd go get laid...But we'll do the next best thing. Kill people. Oh, not you! (full quote)
8009 We call this gun the fecalator, one look at it and the victim shits his or herself. (full quote)
8267 You, Bethany, are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ! (full quote)
7205 SNOOCH TO THE MOTHER FUCKIN BOOCH!! (full quote)
6995 The chick's a slut.....bahhng! (full quote)
8190 Hey, Bob, It feels like I'm Hans Solo, you're Chewy, and she's Ben Kenobe and we're in that f***ed up bar! (full quote)
  what the fuck happened to that guy's head! (full quote)
8713 i knew it, shes a slut. BUUUUNNNNGGGGGG (full quote)
8973 (1) alright tell me something about me (2) you masturbate more than anyone else on the planet (1) everybody knows that, tell me something no one else knows (2)you think about guys! (1) not all the time! (full quote)
9072 (1)This from the guy who still owes me ten dollars from a bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove. (2)Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one. (full quote)
Shadrach Know him? The nigga owes me 10 bucks! (full quote)
  Do it..Do it and I'll fucking spank you (full quote)
Cosmic_Raider -Got a great sense of humor, take sex for example. -Sex is a joke in Heaven? -The way I understand it's mostly a joke down here too. (full quote)
9072 Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in. Next to soccer. (full quote)
9711 Are you saying God plays Skeeball? (full quote)
9791 Bev: what is the meaning of life? God: Wurp! (full quote)
  I'll take head. (full quote)
1759 Tell someone you're the metatron and they stare at you blankly, mention something out of a Charleston Heston movie and suddently everyone's a theology scholar! (full quote)
  Azrael: I'm a fucking demon. (full quote)
  No Ticket. (full quote)
  INCOGNITO (full quote)
  Hell,the tubby motherfucka's got tits (full quote)
CarmiCrowe The Thirteenth Apostle: Jesus was black! (full quote)
9982 Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. (full quote)
9982 Azrae:No pleasure, no rapture, no exquiste sin greater...than central air (full quote)
9982 Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. (full quote)
9982 Loki: I love fucking with the clergy. (full quote)
9982 Metatron: You people! If it hasn't been made into a movie, it's not worth knowing about, is that it? (full quote)
9982 Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, I swear to God. (full quote)
9982 Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man. (full quote)
9982 Jay: So what's up? You got a friend for Silent Bob, or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate slopp seconds. (full quote)
9982 Metatron: You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar! (full quote)
9171 A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior (full quote)
circelli17 I can't even watch Pretty in Pink with this fuck. When it gets to the point where that redhead hooks up with her dream-guy this fatfuck starts blubbering like a baby.... and there is no worse sight in the world then a fat man blubbering like Niagara Falls. (full quote)
circelli17 I can't even watch Pretty in Pink with this fuck. When it gets to the point where that redhead hooks up with her dream-guy this fatfuck starts blubbering like a baby.... and there is no worse sight in the world then a fat man blubbering like Niagara Falls. (full quote)
10901 You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus (full quote)
11040 Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus. (full quote)
11007 (1)you knew Jesus Christ (2) Knew him!! Nigger owes me 12 bucks (full quote)
10456 1) You're saying God's a woman? 2) Was there ever a doubt in your mind? 1) He's always refered to as HIM 2) Well, that's not how I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks of being intangible is you have NO say in the editorial proccess. The people who hold the pen add their own perspective, and all the penholders were men. So SHE became HE. (full quote)
11649 She's a slut...Bonnnng! (full quote)
  1: so what brought you here? 2: some fuck named john huges 1: SIXTEEN CANDLES john hugues? 2: you know that guy too? that fucker! he made this flick SIXTEEN CNADLES, not bad, there's tits in it but no bush, and ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing cause he like, all in love with this john hugues bitch, he goes out and rent every one of his stupid movies, fuckin' BREAKFAST CLUE, where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention, fuckin' WERID SCIENCE where this chick wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't cause it's a PG movie, and then in PRETTY IN PINK, which i can't even watch with tubby bitch anymore cause every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there anit nothin' worse than watchin' a fuckin' fat man weep! (full quote)
  Protestor-Your going to burn in hell baby killer-Abortion clinic worker-Holy shit its the Pope (full quote)
11007 (1) come dude tell me something about me (2) you mastubate more then anyone in the world (1) something i dont know?(2) when u doin it ur thinkin about guys (full quote)
11906 In other words, it's a shit demon! (full quote)
11926 1) get offa me i wanna see whats up. what THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED HERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU LADY? WHY THE FUCK'D YOU GUYS HUG MY HEAD? 2) he's got quite the mouth doesn't he? 1) what is this the fucking piano? why aint that broad talkin? 2) I believe the answers you seek lie in my friends eyes. 1) what THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! HAS EVERYONE GONE FUCKING NUTS?! what THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT GUYS HEAD?!!? (full quote)
  You were a martyred? Some peopel call it that... I call it being bludgeoned to death with big fucking rocks (full quote)
11007 wow three days left on earth, if i had a dick i'd go get laid. Lets do the next best thing. Lets kill people (woman in elevator nearly chokes on her coffee hearing that comment in responce he says) No not you. (full quote)
11007 (1) God cant you talk to them, i mean your catholic. (2) they hate me more then they hate you, you have an excuse, your jewish (full quote)
11007 (1) Sweet jesus, woman do you drench everyone who comes in to your room (2)who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room, look just take all you want just dont rape or kill me. (1) oh pipe down woman i couldnet rape you even if i tried, angels are illequipt (full quote)
11007 i'm supposed to lead you???? lady i dopnt know where i am half the time (full quote)
12153 (1)i have one word for you; just one... plastics. (2) didn't i tell you she was funny? (full quote)
12153 what the fuck is this - the piano? why ain't this broad talking?! (full quote)
12153 (1)...so for their insolence, god decreed that neither loki nor bartleby would ever be allowed back into paradise. (2) were they sent to hell? (3) worse. wisconsin. for the entire span of human history. and when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity. (full quote)
12153 (1)who are you? (2)i am the metatron the voice of god. (1)where is the rest? (2)actually we are asking the same question these days. (full quote)
12153 (1)where are we? (2)where you can get best tequila (1)mexico? (2)no accually we are 2 blocks down from your apartment but its still pretty impressive isn't it. (full quote)
12153 (1)what are you? (2)i am an angel, the voice of god. (1)prove it (2)what you want more proof besides the firery entrance and the wings?.. (full quote)
12076 Quit learing at me like that, people are gunna think I just broke up with you or something (full quote)
12153 bartleby: in the beginning, it was just us and him. angels and god. and then he created the humans. and he gave them more than he ever gave us. ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship - adoration. but he gave the humans more - he gave them a choice. they can choose to ignore god, choose to acknowledge him. all this time we've been down here, everyday i felt the absence of the divine presence. and it pained me... as i'm sure it must have pained you sometimes, even though you'd gloss over it with jokes. but we feel his absence, and why? because of the way he made us - as servants. had we been given free will, we could ignore the pain... like them. loki: you know - maybe you should take a nap or something. (full quote)
11289 So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from volunteering for the military in time of service. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck. (full quote)
11289 In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no! And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention that fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me. (full quote)
11289 1.I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time. 2.Nineteen? 1.The one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit. (full quote)
  Jay: ...Who the fuck are you?!?! what the FUCK happened to that guy's head?!? (full quote)
  It's not what you believe, it's that you believe. (full quote)
12481 1)You masturbat more than anyone 2)Dude everyone know that tell me something no one knows 1) when you do it you think about guys! 3)Dude not all the time. (full quote)
11007 (1) how can one be anally retentive if he does not have an anus (2)outstanding work (full quote)
11007 (1) i've heard a rant like this before (2) what the fucjk did u say??(1) i've heard a rant like this before,i've seen where this shit leads, you sound like the morning starr, you sound like lucifer (2) we are going home (1) fuck that this is not about going home you talking about war on god (full quote)
11007 (1) your not a woman ? I'm sorry wernt those breasts i saw bob cosying up to (2) you above all should know that theses dont make a woman, we all know what makes a woman falls between two things bewtween her legs, and as you can see i lack definintion (full quote)
11007 (1) the girl in pjs dont ask so many bloddy questions just serve your purpose (full quote)
12480 Bethany: I want to go with you. Jay: what, steady? ...OK, but you pay the rent and Silent Bob has to live with us. (full quote)
12480 Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. In the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So a very inebriated Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. (full quote)
12480 cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young. Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry? cardinal Glick: Oh, if only we had their numbers. (full quote)
12480 Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am! cardinal Glick: Cute. Rufus: Worked for Moses. (full quote)
13381 Noah was a drunk and look what he accomplished (full quote)
13594 Azrale: Gimme a holy bartender. Bartender: Never heard of it. Azrale: Youve never heard of a holy bartender? Damn, who knows how to make a holy bartender? You do, dont you muse? Muse: Dont Azrale: Well I know how to make a holy bartender (shoots bartender)... Get it?... (5 mins later) Jay: HAHAHAHHAHA... Holy Bartender... I get it! Thats a great one! (full quote)
13594 Jay: what are you, some kind of fucking chicken? Azrale: Nooooo I was an artist stupid! (full quote)
13645 loki:i've heard a rant like this before. bartleby: what did you say? loki: i've heard a rant like this before. bartleby: don't you f*ckin do that to me. loki: you sound like the morning star. bartleby: you shut your f*cking face. loki: you do! you sound like lucifer man! you fuckin lost it! you're not talkin about goin home Bartleby, you're talkin about f*ckin war on God. well f*ck that! i've seen what happens when the proud take on the throne. I'm goin back to wisconsin. bartleby: we're goin home loki. not you, not even the almighty himself can stop that. (full quote)
beekers I'll let you know if I get anything out of poopy boy here. (full quote)
14542 (Throws 2 guys off the train) 1: No ticket. (full quote)
9937 Is it true that chicks fart if you blast em in the ass? (full quote)
9937 Dude his piece could be rubbing inside your armour. (full quote)
9937 I'm a man just like you and him, well maybe not him! (full quote)
9937 I didn't cum on you pete I swear! (full quote)
9937 Tell a person your the Metitron and they stare at you blankly! (full quote)
9937 Mention something from a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyones a theology scholar. May I continue? (full quote)
14895 So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from volunteering for the military in time of service. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck. (full quote)
  Never let it be said that your anal retentive attention to detail yielded postive results. 'You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus!' (full quote)
Happy Bob No ticket. (full quote)
Happy Bob Snooch to the motherfuckin' nooch!! (full quote)
  I think this shit just kiched in! (full quote)
  Jay: Wanna hear something sick, I got half-stock when she kissed me. Bethany: Jay! Jay: I couldn't help it, the bitch was hot! Bethany: You can't talk to me like that anymore, I'm pregnant. Jay: I heard pregnant women do it to the third trimester. Bethany: I'll keep that in mind. (full quote)
  Rufus: If you clean up language, I just might put in a good word for you 2. Silent Bob: Thanks (Jay pushes him) (full quote)
1221 Back in the days with JC we used to walk everywhere. Did you ever see a fat apostle? (full quote)
1221 (1) Her quirky sense of humour (2) Whose? (1) God's (2) You're saying God's a woman? (1) Was there ever a doubt in your mind?! (full quote)
16093 Prophets. Although they don't quite get it yet. You'll know them right away: one speaks, the other listens. The one who speaks -- and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not -- will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one won't say anything, but he'll be helpful just the same. (full quote)
16093 See, all these movies take place in a town called Shermer, in Illinois. And there's all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude's asses because they're all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed. So I says to Silent Bob Man, we could live phat if we were the blunt-connection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some cash we were owed, and caught a bus. But when we got here, you know what we found out? There is no Shermer in Illinois. What kind of shit is that?! Fucking movies are bullshit! (full quote)
16093 Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out. (full quote)
  I had an epiphany. See in the beginning it was angels and God. Us and Him. Then he created the humans. Our’s was a life of servitude and, bowing, and scrapping, and adoration. He gave them more than he ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore him. All of this time down here I have felt the absence of the divine presence, and it has pained me as sure as it must have pained you. And why? Because that is the way that he has made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We’re servants! Ok! Yeah know all that I am saying is that someone might need to take a nap Wake up! These humans have destroyed everything he has bestowed upon them. They were given paradise; they threw it away. They were given this planet; they destroyed it. They were favored best among his endeavors, and some of them don’t even believe that He exist? And in spite of it all he has given them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? (full quote)
16721 There's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep. (full quote)
17003 It's Sanskiit. It says: 'Rufus - see you in two years. Jesus.' Freaked me out, because he basically told me when my number was up. (full quote)
17003 1) Let's start walking. 2) Walk? Do you know how far we are from anywhere? 1) Hey, back in the old days with J.C., we walked everywhere. Did you ever hear of a fat apostle? (full quote)
  A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior. (full quote)
15803 1)I am sent by He who is called I AM 2)s a face> 1)That used to work in the old days (full quote)
15803 1)I am sent by He who is called I AM 2)s a face> 1)That used to work in the old days (full quote)
17498 what are you doing here? I'm proving to this bastard that I ain't gay! (full quote)
17498 Whose HOUSE Ron's House, I said whose house Ron's House, I said whose house say what! Ron's House.......Martin.........Martin (full quote)
11051 Bartleby: Take it, man, and quite leering at me. People’ll think I just broke up with you. (full quote)
11051 Bethany: Why doesn’t God speak for himself? The Voice: Glad you decided to join the conversation, to answer that, human beings have neither the oral or psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God’s true voice. Were you then, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest, we went through five Adams before we figured that one out. (full quote)
11051 The Voice: A Gregorian by the name of Bartleby. Bethany: Gregorian? The Voice: One of the choirs of Angels called watchers. Guess what THEY do? (full quote)
11051 Tell a person that you’re the Metitron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charleton Heston movie and suddenly everybody’s a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted?! (full quote)
  Tell someone you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly... mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a theology scholar. (full quote)
16093 You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar! (full quote)
  Now I can't even watch that movie without this tubby bastard sobbin' like a bitch with a skinned knee. There ain't nothing worse than seein' a fat man cry. (full quote)
18437 Snooch to the mother fuckin' nooch!!!!!!!! (full quote)
18437 Rufus: You Masterbate more the anyone on the planet Jay: shit..everyone knows that, tell me somethin' nobody knows Rufus: when you do it your thinking 'bout guys (full quote)
  Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the lord. You have broken the first commandment. More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent humn being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year you cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times, you even had sex with her best friend, while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. Loki: In the bed you and your wife share, no less. Bartleby: Mr. Newman, you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She, uh, killed herself 3 months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son, very compassionate, Mr. Brace! Mr. Ray put his mother in third-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an Oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an 11-Year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby dolls from materials he knew were toxic and unsafe because it was--survey says--less costly. You, on the hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life, good for you, but you Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. (Whispers). Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck! (full quote)
Snoangel28 so that makes Bethany part black? (full quote)
Snoangel28 1)Sex is a joke in heaven? 2)The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too. (full quote)
Snoangel28 There is no Shermer in Illinois. (full quote)
Snoangel28 I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewy and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked up bar! (full quote)
Snoangel28 No married man kisses his wife like that. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 1)Our last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing. 2)What's that? 1)Let's kill people. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 1)Wh..what are you? 2)I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Are you kidding me? Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 No wonder he saw Jesus - homey's rockin' the ganj! (full quote)
Ferrisb911 BETHANY)You were martyred? RUFUS)That's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. See - Christ told us Apostles to go out into the world and spread His word. Antioch was already garnering a big Christian following, so I got sent there. And was a big hit. They loved hearing about Jesus' message, and how He was the Redeemer. But when I mentioned He was black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. I pressed the point, and before I know it, I'm wearing stones - although not to accessonze. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Oh no. I've seen way to many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan - no matter how close you may think you are to success. (full quote)
  Mr. McGee, Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry! (full quote)
18654 1: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland? 2: Not Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass. The Walrus and The Carpenter? That's an indictment of organized religion! (full quote)
  But you didn't say 'God bless you' when I sneezed! (full quote)
  Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon! And you'll have him assault me with a putter??? (full quote)
11007 (1) whatS UR BEEF THE BIBLE (2) WELL IM NOT IN IT (3) WELL NEITHER ARE ANY OF US BUT U DONT HERE US BITCHIN AN MOANING (full quote)
11007 SO I PUT MY FOUR WEEKS NOTICE GOT A BODY 50 BUCKS AND WENT OFF TO make MY FORTUNE. (full quote)
  organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangable parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says do it, do it and i'll, and i'll fucking spank you!! (full quote)
19039 1 you masturbate more than any other human on this planet 2 shit tell me something i dont already know 1 when you're doing it you're thinking about guys (full quote)
19220 Tell someone you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly... mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar... (full quote)
19220 It has been my experience that a man, is never a man even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Ever the fucking apple polisher! (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, do it, do it and I’ll fucking spank you. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Is this why I had to come down here this morning man. This is why I had to miss my fucking cartoons. You call me and tell me it's important, ya know. What to share in your half assed obsession with hallmark moments. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Take it man, and quit leering at me. People are going to think I just broke up with you or something. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 1) Back in the old days God was vengeful and hot tempered, and his wrath was bore by the angle of death by the name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his minagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day he refused to bare God's wrath any longer. 2)Why? 1)He listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Baretlby. 2)Grigori? 1)They're one of the choirs of angels. They're called watchers, guess what they do. So one day Loki's wiping out all the first born of Egypt... 2)Ah the tenth plague. 1)Tell a person you're the metatron and they stare at you blankly, mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie, and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar. May I continue uninterrupted. Once he's done with the first born Loki takes his friend Bartelby out for a post slaughter drink. And over many rounds they get into this discussion about whether murder in the name of God is okay. In the end Bartelby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one which doesn't involve slaughter. So very inebriated, Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword. and gives him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forwardGod decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting. So for their insulance God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartelby would ever be allowed back into paradise. 2)Were they sent to hell? 1)Worse, Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history, and when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for all eternity. 2)And this has what to do with me? 1)Someone has clued them into a loophole in Catholic Dogma that would allow them to reenter heaven. 2)So what, they beat the system. Good for them. 1)It's not that simple. If they get in they will have reversed God's decree. Now listen closely because th (full quote)
Ferrisb911 1) Look at this pimp, how'd you get out of Hell? 2)I told them I was coming up on a routine posession. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Quit killing people, that's high profile! (full quote)
Ferrisb911 1)Bartelby! 2)After all this time this is waht it comes to. Slaughter by a meat puppet. 1)Get your fucking hands of me you dickless son-of-a-bitch! 2)Save it lady. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off! (full quote)
Ferrisb911 You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first Commandment. More than that I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you Mr.Burton, last year you cheated on your wife of seventeen years eight times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. 2)In the bed you and your wife share no less. 1)Mr. Newman, you got your girlfriend drunk at last years Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mailroom to have sex with her, while she was passed out. Just so you could break up with her guilt free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She uh killed herself three months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third rate nursing home, and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Braker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with and eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtsman okayed the production of Mooby dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsale because it was, survey says, less costly. You on the other hand are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! But you Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.(Whispers something) 2)You're his father you sick fuck! (full quote)
Ferrisb911 Find some man find some woman that you can connect with even for a moment. Because that's all that life is sister, it's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours. (full quote)
Ferrisb911 I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich! (full quote)
  i said whos house? rons house... i said whos house?! i said rons house! (full quote)
  jay: yo man tell me summin bout me rufus: u masturbate more than anyone on the planet jay: so fuck everyone knows that tell me summin nobody knows rufus: when u do it your thinkin about guys jay(says to bob): dude not all the time rufus: sorry if I scared you (full quote)
  hey what i just did gave me a fucking migraine so if u dont pipe down im gonna rip your sack off like a paper towel (full quote)
  You really are a simple creature. (full quote)
  You need to get filled, (name). In more ways than one. (full quote)
  1)So what are you saying, I need to get filled?2)In more ways than one. (full quote)
20182 (laughin) Holy Bartender, I get it! (full quote)
20182 Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence (full quote)
20182 Thus all the spitting (full quote)
  tell people you're the Metronome and they stare at you blankly. Mention something from a Charelton Heston movie and suddenly everyones a theology scholar. (full quote)
  but... i'm a fucking demon (full quote)
20918 Beautiful, naked, big titted women don't just fall out of the sky ya know! (full quote)
14345 1)Bethany, you are the great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grea great grandniece of Jesus Christ. 2)Does that mean she's part black? (full quote)
  It's usually long Rufus, but it's cold out, you understand. (full quote)
  Who fucking farted?! (full quote)
Beat Rice 1: *lights a cigarette and wlaks away from the train's door, to see a man staring at him in fear* 'No ticket.' (full quote)
Beat Rice 1: He said it himself; 'I'm a f*cking demon.' (full quote)
Beat Rice Hahahahaha, 'Holy Bartender', man, that's a great one! (full quote)
Beat Rice Holy crap, Silent Bob's an instrument of God?! (full quote)
Beat Rice 1: *shouts over heavy music* what gear are you on? 2: Gear?! (full quote)
Beat Rice Elvis was an artist. That didn't stop him from joining the armed forces in time of war. That is why he will always be the King, and you are just a schmuck. (full quote)
Beat Rice 1: what are you doing? 2: -Huh? Oh nothing. I had something in my eye. 1: Now who's the f*cking child? (full quote)
23763 Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon! And you'll have him assault me with a putter??? (full quote)
24001 (Jay) what the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head? (full quote)
  Loki: Excuse me...are you married? Man: What? Loki: Are you married? Man: What do you think?...WHAT? Loki: To her? Man: What? Loki: Are you married to her? Man: Not that it's any of your fucking business but NO, I'm not!! (full quote)
24633 No, Through the looking glass. That poem- the wlarus and the carpentar, that's an inditment of organized religion. The walrus with his girth and his good nature, he obvoiusly represents either buddha or with his tusks the hindu elephant god Lord Ginesha. That takes care of your eastern religions. Now the carpentar, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ who was raised a carpentars son, he represents the western religions. Now in the poem what do they do...what do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and dvour the helpless creatures in mass. Now I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of ones inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by enhibiting our actions by enhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says..and says do it..do it and i'll fucking spank you (full quote)
  Do it . . . Do it, and I'll fucking SPANK YOU! (full quote)
24993 BUNG! (full quote)
  what i did just give me a fucking migrane (full quote)
  Organized religion DESTROYS who we are, by inhibiting our actions out of fear of some intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says 'DO IT AND I'LL FUCKING SPANK YOU.' (full quote)
25582 I didn't come on you pete, I swear (full quote)
  Bethany: What, was I just... is that..? Metatron: A very relieved Diety.. you did well, little girl. Your kind always does. So take good care of yourself, we'll need you down the road. Bethany: I know. I'm the Last Scion. Metatron: Well, your half right. You were the last Scion. Now, this, is the last Scion. Bethany: I'm.. pregnant?! Metatron: We cant put anything past you! Take care of that parcel for us. She has a world of work ahead of her. (full quote)
  Metitron: Anytime some yahoo claims to be talking to God, they're talking to me - or they're talking to themselves. (full quote)
  *Bob hands Bethany his spray* BETHANY: Knocks strong odors out. (full quote)
27124 Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ear right about...now! (full quote)
KoolKatt Voice on loudspeaker: '...I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the Apocolypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion (people run out of the hospital yelling and screaming in panic)have a nice day.' (full quote)
  hey lets play the counting game, count the shells suckadog (full quote)
  Rufus: Bethany, you are the Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-GREAT-great-great grandniece of Jesus. Jay: You mean Bethany's part black? (full quote)
  (rufus falls from sky, lands, twitches) Jay: KILL IT KILL IT! (full quote)
  You took the company jet to Thailand to have sex with an 11 - year old - BOY! (full quote)
  Seeing you people everyday in this perfect little world he created for you is a constant reminder that MY kind came first, but yours was most revered while you know forgivness we know only regret the lesson must be taught ALL are accountable even God. (full quote)
  Bartlbe: In the beginning it was just us and him, angels and god. then he created humans. ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship bowng and scraping and adoration he gave them MORE than he ever gave us. He gave them a choice they choose to ignore God or acknoledge huim. All this time we've been down here i've felt the absensce of the devine presence and it pained me, as i'm sure it must have paind you and WHY? because of the way he made us had we been given free will like they have we could chose to ignore pain but NO we're servants Loki: Okay, I think somebody needs a nap Bartlbe: WAKE UP! These humans have besmirched everything he gave them. They were given paradise they threw it away, they were given this planet and they desory it. They were favored best among all his endeavors and yet some of them dont even beleive he exists. and in spite of it all he has shown the infinite fucking patience. What about us? I asked you to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them and what happened? OUR expulsion from heaven! Where was his infinite fucking patience then? ITS NOT FAIR! We've paid our debt dont you think it's time? Dont you think its time we went home? Lokie: I think i've heard a rant lke thi s before Bartlbee: What? Loki: I said i think i've heard a rant like this before you sound like Lucifer you sound like the fucking morning star! (full quote)
CarmiCrowe Mass genocide is the most exhausting sport one can ingage in, next to soccer. (full quote)
28804 B: whats that? TA: It's Aramaic (full quote)
10053 I'm the one who's soaked, and she's the one who's surly. That's rich! (full quote)
19755 I'll sceam rape! (full quote)
19755 I'll scream rape! (full quote)
19755 Hey Big Bird!! (full quote)
19755 Man splats from the sky_--Friend of yours!? 2)Nope that was the cardinal. You can't tell from his face but the rosary beads are a dead give away. (full quote)
19755 Oh, better take a step back!!(Man falls from the sky and splats) (full quote)
19755 The muse!!! Wow you look great. Hey whats with the tits can i..!? (full quote)
19755 Oh!, he's back!! (full quote)
28373 Do you go around spraying everyone who enters your bedroom with flame retardent chemicals?!?! It's no wonder you're single! (full quote)
28373 what are you going to do? Hit me with a...ffffish? (full quote)
Cryslin 1: Hey, tell me something about me. 2: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet. 1: Fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. 2: When you do it, you're thinking about guys. [A shocked #3 stares at #1] 1: Dude, not all the time. (full quote)
Cryslin Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. (full quote)
Cryslin Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them. (full quote)
Cryslin No, Through the Looking Glass. That poem, The Walrus and the Carpenter that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or...or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do...what do they do? They...They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions...by inhibiting our decisions, out of...out of fear of some...some intangible parent figure who...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says...and says, Do it--Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you! (full quote)
Cryslin 1: I've heard a rant like this before. 2: What'd you say? 1: I said I've heard a rant like this before. 2: Don't you do it. 1: You sound like the morning star. 2: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! 1: YOU SOUND LIKE LUCIFER MAN! YOU'VE FUCKING LOST IT!!! You're not talking about fuckin' war on God. I say, fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the thrown! I'm going back to Wisconsin. 2: We're going home, Loki! And not you, not even the Almighty HIMSELF is going to make that otherwise. (full quote)
Cryslin 1: The last two days on earth, if I had a dick I'd go get laid, bu we can do that next best thing. 2: What's that? 1: We'll kill people. [Lady next to #1 spits out her coffee] 2: [to lady] Oh not you! (full quote)
Cryslin I have issues with anyone who treats faith as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it. (full quote)
Cryslin When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up. (full quote)
Cryslin 1: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. 2: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes. (full quote)
Cryslin You tell someone you're a Metatron, they stare at you blankly. You mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everyone is a theology scholar (full quote)
Cryslin The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you...once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN?! IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, i think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers. (full quote)
Cryslin Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you. (full quote)
Cryslin 1: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burman. You cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. 2: In the bed you and your wife share no less. 1: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at the company Christmas party and paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her. Just so you could break up with her guilt-free the next morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brise disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brise. Mr. Rains put his mother in a thrid-rate nursing home and used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Mr. BARKER flew to Thailand on the company account so he could have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holdstrom approved the use of chemicals he knew to be toxic, because they were, AS SURVEY SAYS, less costly. You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. And you, Mr. Whitman, have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [whispers] 2: And you're his father, you sick fuck. (full quote)
  Jay: so whats up u gotta a friend for silent bob or r u gonna do us both if so i'm first i hate sloppy seconds. Bethany: ur a man of princepals Jersey's pretty far from McHenry may i ask what brought u here? Jay : some fuck name John Hughes. Bethany: 16candles John Hughes? Jay: u kno that guy too. that fuckin guy. he made this flick called 16candles. not bad theres tits in it but no bush. but iree over here dont give a shit but that kinda thing. cuz hes like all in love wit this john hughes guy so he goes out and rents all his movies. fuckin breakfast club where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. fuckin wierd science where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down but oh no b/c its a PG movie. and then pretty in pink which i cant even watch wit this tubby bitch anymore cuz everytime it gets to the part where the redhead hooks up wit her dream guy, he starts sobbin like a little bitch wit a skinned knee and shit. and theres nothin worse than watchin a fat man weap. Bethany: what excatlly brought u to Illonis? Jay: well all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illonis where all the honies r top shelf and the dudes r all whinin pussies. except for Gud Nelson he was fuckin harsh. and there was noone dealin man then it hits me we can live like fat rats wit a blunt connection in Shermer, Illonis. so we collected some money we were owned and took a bus. u kno what the fuck we found out when we got there? there is no Shermer, Illonis. movies r fuckin bullshit. Bethany: when r u goin back to New Jersey? Jay: jez this broad asks a lot questions. tommorrow. Bethany: Tommorrow? Jay: yea so do u do anal? is it true that chicks fart when u blast them in the ass? Bethany: i didnt asku out for sex. Jay: i'll take head. Bethany: this is gonna sound really bad i cant believe i'm thinkin bout this but i think i should go wit u. Jay: what u mea (full quote)
  1. Never let it be said that my anal retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. 2. You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus. 3. Outstanding work! (full quote)
  Jay: man shes never gonna fuck us now well maybe u but diffently not me let me kno how she is. Bethany: nobody is fuckin me u got that, i dont what i was thinkin in that diner and see that i'm goin home and not to new jersey sorry for the inconvince and have a good day. Jay: ur breakin up wit us who the u think u r lady goin round breakin ppls hearts like that i fell in love wit u we fell in love wit men just dont fall outta the fuckin sky u kno(guy falls from sky) beautiful naked big titty women just dont fall outta the sky u kno (full quote)
  Bartylby: Our last four days on earth what do we do. Loki: If I had a dick I'd go get laid. We'll do the next best thing....We'll kill people. (full quote)
  Jay-oow oow oow tell me somthing nobody knows!! Chris Rock- You masterbate more than anybody on the planet! Jay- no man tell me somthin nobody knows! Chris Rock- When your doin it your thinking about GUYS!! Bob looks at jay weirdly jay- No man its not true....okay maybe a little bit. (full quote)
  Do you have to use the whole can? (full quote)
30600 HEY if your really a angel tell me something about myself nobody would know? ( 2nd person) You masterbate more than anyone in the world. Well no shit everyone knows that, tell me something i dont know? ( 2nd person) When your doin it you think about guys!..... Not all the time dude. (full quote)
lifesaver63 NO! DONT RUN!...(sounds of screaming and gunfire)..AND ONE TO GROW ON.... (full quote)
troy big titted women dont just fall out of the sky ya know!! (full quote)
troy he...no ticket! (full quote)
troy but im a fuckin demon!?! (bob shakes him head in cluelessness) (full quote)
troy i'll scream rape! (jay) (full quote)
troy i guess that makes us the heads of the gang now... (full quote)
troy do they have skeeball?!! (full quote)
troy and now he's just pickin people off of the highway. oop, look out. [splat] (full quote)
Gretzke99 I don't believe in Voodoo......but I do believe in this (full quote)
  Guys like us dont just fall from the sky!.....Ok..... Hot women dont just fall from the sky! (full quote)
33244 you didn't say God bless you when i sneezed! (full quote)
  Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar (full quote)
  Rufus:You, Bethany, are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ! Jay:Does this mean she's half black? (full quote)
  1.) Man, if I had a dick I'd go get laid. 2.) Well you know... 1.) What? 2.) We could do the next best thing. 1.) What's that? 2.) Kill people (Woman gasps) NOT YOU!!!! (full quote)
  We went through four Adams before we figured that one out. (full quote)
  leave it up to Catholics to destroy the world (full quote)
  (1)You knew Jesus Christ?(2)Knew 'em? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks! (full quote)
Shadrach 1. I was close. You know, I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even. 2. You alright, man? Your eyes are kinda... 1. My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and him. Angels and God. 2. Uh-huh. 1. Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship. And bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than he ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or they choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the divine presence. And it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants! 2. Okay...you know, all I'm saying here, is one of us might need a little nap. 1. Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything he's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise...they threw it away. They were given this planet - they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was His infinite fucking patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time...don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that...I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers. 2. Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? You're tal (full quote)
35445 Loki:) Lets go kill some people! Woman:) AH! Loki:)Oh, no! Not you. (full quote)
35809 He was your son, you sick fuck! (full quote)
  Rufus: So are you saying you believe? Bethany: No, but I have a pretty good idea. (full quote)
  Muse: As you can see, I lack definition (lifts up her skirt) Jay: Hey! There's getting a free show! (full quote)
  Tell someone you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology expert! May I continue uninterrupted? (full quote)
36257 Metatron: metatron acts as the voice of God. Any time any yahoo claims that they have spoken to God, they're speakin to me. Bethany: why can't God speak for himself? Metatron: glad you decided to join the conversation! Humans have neither the physical or the emotional capacity to handle God's true voice, were you to hear God's true voice your head would explode and your heart burst within your chest, we went through 5 adams before we figured that one out. (full quote)
37435 Dont run....Dont run!!!! (full quote)
  1)Never let it be said that your anal retentiveness attention to detail never yielded positive results 2)You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus 1) outstanding work! (full quote)
  I didn't cum in you, I swear.... (full quote)
10929 Worse. Wisconsin...for the entire span of human history. (full quote)
  Loki: shit if I had a dick I'd get laid so lets do the next best thing, Bartlebi:Oh and whats that, Loki: lets kill people(women next to loki spits out her water)Loki: oh not you (full quote)
  Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny! He's got a great sense of humor, I'll tell you that. Take sex for example, the faces you people make during mid-coitis. Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven Metatron: The way I see it, it's mostly a joke down here too. (full quote)
40905 It's been a while since Physics, but I would think the force with which you hit the asphalt would have liquified you. (full quote)
34821 1) Wh..what are you? 2) I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. (full quote)
  B: Wait a second! Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to FUCK me, I think I've been a good sport about all this. But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where the hell you came from. R: Me? I came from Heaven. (full quote)
42639 I'm a friggin' demon! (full quote)
42999 I feel like I am Han Solo, you're Chewy, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked up bar (full quote)
42999 #1)Are you gonna listen to this shit? #2)That's what people of Antioch said...right before they stoned my ass. #3)You were martyred? #2)That's one way of puttin' it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks! (full quote)
42999 #1)Tell me somethin' about me. #2)You masterbate more than anyone on the planet. #1)Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows. #2)When you do it, you're thinking about guys. (friend looks at #1 surprized) #1)Dude, not all the time. (full quote)
42999 Hey, Big Bird! Ready for the counting game? Count the shells, Suck-A-Duck! (full quote)
  Loki: Wait a minute, so all we have to do is pass throuhg this archway and we can go home? Bartleby: No, once we pass through the archway all our sins will be forgiven. Then all we have to do is die. Loki: Die! I don't wanna die! Bartleby: Would you rather stay around here for the rest of eternity? Loki: Well no, but we don't even know if we can die! Ok, so what if we can and then this arch thing of yours doesn't work? What then? Hell? Fuck that! Fuck that! (full quote)
10929 So he's just gonna kill us. (full quote)
  I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked-up bar (full quote)
  Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks! (full quote)
40905 Smoke that motherfucka like it ain't no thang! (full quote)
  Loki: Who's house? Run's house. I said who's house? Run's house. Martin....Martin. How y'all feel? (full quote)
  Are you kidding me!?...I'm a friggin' demon. (full quote)
Amidala Guys like us don't just fall out of the sky you know! *Naked black man falls out of the sky* Beautiful, naked women don't just fall out of the sky you know! (full quote)
Amidala Hey look it's the pope. (full quote)
Amidala Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now. (full quote)
Amidala Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower. Jay: I can't wait to die. (full quote)
Amidala You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it? (full quote)
Amidala Bethany: You were martyred? Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks. (full quote)
Amidala Bethany: Wait a minute, Christ, You know Christ? Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me twelve bucks! (full quote)
beekers I love fucking with the clergy! (full quote)
  1:Wait a minute, you're breaking up with me?! That's not fair! I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you! Guys like us just don't fall outta the sky ya know! 2:Aaaaahhhh!(Thuds on ground) 1:Beautiful naked big titted bitches just dont fall out of the sky! Whoa did you see that shit? Maybe he has a message on him like in that movie Con-Air. 2:Con-Air con-shit! 1:Holy shit its the undead, kill it kill it! 2:That sounds familiar. And I'm not the undead, I'm dead. (full quote)
  what the fuck is this shit the piano why aint this broad talking (full quote)
  L: let it never be said that your anal retentive attention to detail never yeilded positive results. B: you cant be anal retentive if you dont have an anus. L: outstanding work! (full quote)
  1) let me get this straight, you dont believe in god because of alice in wonderland? 2) no, through the looking glass. that poem the walrus and the carpenter, thats an indictment of organized religion. the walrus with his girth and his good nature he obviously represents buddah, or with his tusks the hindu elephant god lord ginesha. now that takes care of your eastern religions. now the carpenter whos an obvious reference to jesus christ who was raised a carpenters son he represents the western religions. not in the poem what do they do? what do they do? they they they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devoir the helpless creatures en masse. now i dont know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures insures the distruction of ones inner being. organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some some intangible parent figure who who shakes a finger at us from thousand of years ago and says, and says do it, do it and ill fuckin' spank you. (full quote)
  first guy: what are you doin' here? Second guy: Just tryin to prove to this tubby bitch I ain't gay. (full quote)
  heey their getting a free show... jay- lets see that shittt..! (full quote)
MystikalFyre L: My God....I've heard a rant like this before. B: What'd you say? L: I've heard a rant like this before. B: You be quiet.... L: You sound like the Morning Star. B: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! L: YOU DO, MAN...YOU SOUND LIKE LUCIFER, MAN, YOU'VE FUCKING LOST IT! You're not talking about going home, Bartelby. You're talking about war on God.....Well, fuck that. I've seen what happens to the proud, when they take on the Throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin. B: We're going home, Loki! And no one....not even the Almighty Himself is going to stop us. (full quote)
10929 No ticket. (full quote)
karaokejunki Jesus, Did you have to use the whole can? (full quote)
karaokejunki Do you drench everyone who comes into your bedroom with flame retardent chemicals? No wonder your single. (full quote)
helz89 you're his father, you sick fuck! (full quote)
helz89 what the fuck happened to that guy's head?! (full quote)
RachieAchie Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out. (full quote)