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Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels - 1998 Movie Quotes


Posted ByQuote
4108 Oi...Keep your fingers out of my soup (full quote)
4108 Guns for show, knives for a pro (full quote)
4108 Brother, mother, any other sucker... (full quote)
4108 Jesus christ..you could choke a dozen donkeys on that (full quote)
4108 We grow copious amounts of ganja yeah.... (full quote)
4108 Its been emotional.... (full quote)
4108 You playing cards tonight son? (full quote)
4108 I dont want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete Muppets. (full quote)
4108 Lock, stock, the fucking lot.... (full quote)
4108 Oh, you must be the brains then.... (full quote)
4108 Harry finds out that Smithie, some guy who works for him is on the take, so Harry invites him over for an explanation, Smithie doesn't make a good job- in one minute Harry loses his wrap and reached for the closest thing to his hand, which happened to be a 15 inch black rubber cock and beat poor Smithie to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasent way to go, hence Hatchett harry is a man you pay if you owe. (full quote)
4108 If the milk turns out to be sour, i'm not the kind of pussy to drink it (full quote)
4108 Now although this was an embarrasing situation for Tom to be in, Chris had to respect the fact Tom was holding what appeared to be two loaded shotguns. (full quote)
4647 Jesus Christ! You could choke a dozen donkeys on that, and you're haggling over one hundred pound? what do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick, finance revolutions? (full quote)
5218 If it looks old, it's worth money. Simple. (full quote)
  He's a fucking liability! (full quote)
  Alright keep your Alans on (full quote)
  I think knives are a good idea. Big fuck off silver ones. (full quote)
5579 It's been emotional. (full quote)
5579 #1:What's that? #2: It's Gloria. #1: I know THAT's Gloria, what's THAT? #2: It's fertilizer. #1: We sent you out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscience Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. #2: We needed fertilizer. #1: Yes, well we also need a money counter..The money's got to be out by Thursday and I'm buggered if I'm going to count it...oh and next time you're going to buy sodding fertilzer, can you be a little more discreet? #2:What do you mean? #1: We grow copioius amounts of ganga eh? #2: Yeah #1: And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilzer..you don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist, tat's what I mean Willy. (full quote)
5623 what, and i care?!? (full quote)
  also i think knives are a good idea BIG, FUCK OFF SHINY ONES! ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. (full quote)
  (1) I dont know Tom seems expensive. (2) Seems, well this seems to be a waste of my time. That is nine hundred nicker in any shop you are lucky enough to find one in and your complaining about 200. Its a deal its steal its the sale of the f***ing century. (1) Alright, alright keep your alans on. Heres a ton. (3) Jesus crist you could choke a dozon donkeys on that. what do you do when you not buying steros Nik finance revolutions. (1) £100 is still £100. (2) Not when the price is 200 its not and not when you've got Liberias devasit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a ducks but you are. Now let me feel the fibre of your fabric. (full quote)
  It's a deal, it's a steal, it's sale of the fuckin' century! In fact, shit Nick, I think I'll keep 'em. (full quote)
6457 Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunts joke that black cunts don't get? 'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Nicholas! (full quote)
  1. Shit, I've been shot. 2. I don't fuckin' believe this. Could everyone stop gettin'shot. (full quote)
6744 1. Shit, I've been shot. 2. I don't fuckin' believe this. Could everyone stop gettin' shot. (full quote)
7294 Barry: No, c-mon please. Not now. Oh you Fucking bastard! (full quote)
7294 Bacon: whats that. Soap: It's a traffic warden. Bacon: whats a traffic warden doing inthe back of the van. Tom: I don't know, just knock him out and dump him at the lights, Bacon: (punch) Warden: (ughhh) Tom: I said knock him out not tap him. Soap: I fucking hate traffic wardens. (full quote)
7294 1)Right Where were we. 2) Shotguns, what like guns that fire shot? 1)oh you must be the brains then, thats right, guns that fire shot. 2)So this job, i hope the'll be something there for us. 1) Its a fuckin'stately home, of course the'll be something there. 2) Like what? 1)Like fuckin' antiques, 2)Antiques, what the fuck do we know about antiques. We rob post offices and cars. What the fuck do we know about antiques. 1)If its old, its worth something. So stop flaming moaning and rob the place. 2)oh thank you very much. So who we doing this for, who's the guv? 1) I'm the one who you doing it for, so remember you know, because you need to know. 2) Oh so its like, on a need to know basis things is it. Like one of those James Bond films. 1) Just remember who's giving you this job. Fuckin' northan monkeys! 2) I hate these fuckin' southern faries (full quote)
  Never seen daylight, moonlight, israelite.. (full quote)
  ..I asked for a refreshing drink...not a fucking rainforest... You could fall in love with an oranguatang in that.. (full quote)
8245 ...Never seen daylight, moonlight, israelite... (full quote)
8245 ...I asked for a refreshing drink...not a fucking rainforest...you could fall in love with an oranguatang in that. (full quote)
8245 ...You're not funny Tom, you're fat. (full quote)
8245 It's cheap...like the budgie. (full quote)
8245 Chill Winston. (full quote)
8245 ...You want a lolly..? (full quote)
8245 ..These people have no money...they can't even afford new furniture.. (full quote)
8245 #1. what else do I get with it..? #2. You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce...as long as you pay for it. (full quote)
  I hate these fucking southern fairies. (full quote)
  Right, let's sort the buyers from the spiers, the needy from the greedy, and those ones who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, your not up here shopping, your up here shop lifting. You see these goods you've never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-by-the-gas-light. Take a bag, come on take a bag. I took a bag home last night, it cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell ya. Anyone like jewellery, look at that one there. Hand made in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney, it’s as long as my arm I wish it was as long as something else. Don’t think just cause these boxes are sealed up they’re empty, the only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker. And by the look of some of you lot here today I’d make more money with my measuring tape. Here one price (clap), ten pound. (full quote)
  Right, let's sort the buyers from the spiers, the needy from the greedy, and those ones who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, your not up here shopping, your up here shop lifting. You see these goods you've never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-by-the-gas-light. Take a bag, come on take a bag. I took a bag home last night, it cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell ya. Anyone like jewellery, look at that one there. Hand made in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney, it’s as long as my arm I wish it was as long as something else. Don’t think just cause these boxes are sealed up they’re empty, the only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker. And by the look of some of you lot here today I’d make more money with my measuring tape. Here one price (clap), ten pound. (full quote)
  Antiques? what the fuck do we know about antiques? We steel cars, rob post offices, what the fuck do we know about Antiques? (full quote)
  You're walking around with a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer, you do't look like your average horti-fucking-cultrilist! (full quote)
  Bacon:Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those ones who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, your not up here shopping, your up here shop lifting. You see these goods you've never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, Fanny-by-the-gas-light. Take a bag, come on take a bag. I took a bag home last night, it cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell ya. Anyone like jewelry, look at that one there. Hand made in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney, it’s as long as my arm I wish it was as long as something else. Don’t think just cause these boxes are sealed up they’re empty, the only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker. And by the look of some of you lot here today I’d make more money with my measuring tape. Here one price, ten pound. Eddie:Did you say ten pound? Bacon:Are you deaf? Eddie:That’s a bargain, I’ll take one. Bacon:Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow, they call it walking. Do you want one as well darlin’? You do, that’s it they’re waking up. Treat your wife, treat somebody else’s wife, it’s a lot more fun if you don’t get caught. Hold on, you want one as well? Okay darlin’ show me a bit of life then, no good standing out there like one o’clock half struck. My own you’d better buy them, these are not stolen, they just haven’t been paid for, and we can’t get them again, they’ve changed the bloody locks. Here one for you. No good coming back later when I’ve sold out. Too late, too late will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you’ve got no money on you now, you’ll be crying tears as big as October cabbages. Eddie:Bacon! Coppers! Narrator:Ed can hassle a few quid here and there, but his real talent lies with cards, and gambling with cards. Bacon can see that his days of selling moody goods on street (full quote)
  Can't you see these people haven't got any money? They can't even afford new furniture. (full quote)
  also, i think knives are a good idea, big, fuckoff shiny ones, ones that'll a crocodile. you see knives are good because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. shit 'em right up. guns for show, knives for a pro. (full quote)
  1. what's this? 2.You asked for a cocktail 1. I asked you for a refreshing drink, I wasn't expecting a f*cking rainforest. You could fall in love with an ourang-outan in here 2. If you want a pint, go to a pub 1. Ithought this was a pub 2. It's a SEMOAN pub! (full quote)
  Jesus Ed, we got a traffic warden!! (full quote)
  Charles...get the rifle....we're being fucked. (full quote)
  HARRY: You must be Eddie, JD's son. EDDIE: You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father. HARRY: You just might meet him if you carry on like that. (full quote)
  and now, mr. bubble and squeak, you may enlighten me. (full quote)
  It's a deal, it's a steal. It's sale of the fuckin' century. In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it. (full quote)
  You're not funny, you're fat, and look as though you should be, but your not (full quote)
  A few nights ago Rory's telly busted, so he has gone to the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else'. Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the assholes who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. `That's fucking it,' says the geezer. 'That's fucking what?' says Rory then gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; Then he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won too, four-nil. (full quote)
  How is it that your fucking stupid, soon to be dead friends, thought that they might be able to steal my cannibis, and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt joke what black cunts don't get? Coz I'm not fucking laughing Nic-ol-ass. (full quote)
  How is it that your fucking stupid, soon to be dead friends, thought that they might be able to steal my cannibis, and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt joke what black cunts don't get? Coz I'm not fucking laughing Nic-ol-ass. (full quote)
  We've hit the jackpot lads, we've got god knows how much of this stinking weed, a shit load of cash... and a traffic warden (full quote)
  We've hit the jackpot lads, we've got god knows how much of this stinking weed, a shit load of cash... and a traffic warden (full quote)
  We've hit the jackpot lads, we've got god knows how much of this stinking weed, a shit load of cash... and a traffic warden (full quote)
  If the milk is sour, I ain´t the kind of pussy that drinks it, you know what I mean? (full quote)
  Its a deal.. Its a Steal... Its sale of the f#$king century (full quote)
  (1)I'm also going to need guns.(2)Guns, this is a bit heavy, this is London not the Lebanon, who do you think I am?(1) I think you Nick the Greek (full quote)
  Rory: your stupidity might be your one saving grace. Nick: Whu?! Rory: Dont WHU!? Me! Greekboy! (full quote)
  Charles, get the rifle. We're being fucked! (full quote)
  A little bit of pain never hurt anyone. (full quote)
  Piss off you nonce (full quote)
  I'm gonna cut him, and make sure he's dead (full quote)
  is she compos? (full quote)
  I feel safer with a chicken drumstick (full quote)
  Some say it's a dog eat dog world, well I got teeth fucken bigger than both of you (full quote)
  Every time we do a job you've got to go burning someone's feet. what's wrong with you? (full quote)
  A bit dramatic, isn't it?! I'd a brought me gloves if i'd know... (full quote)
  Well,they're all dead Dad....I think that's as clear as it gets. (full quote)
  what do you think this is, fucking hide and seek? (full quote)
  Not when the price is 200 pound! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's defecit in your skyrocket! (full quote)
  Little Chris:Fuckin' hell, John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket? Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't! (full quote)
  Big Chris: I've got some bad news for you John. John: what the fuck?! Big Chris: Mind your language in front of the boy! John: Jesus Christ! Big Chris: That includes blasphemy aswell! (full quote)
  u move ur left leg then ur right, ur body will follow - they call it walkin (full quote)
1221 what are they armed with? what do you think? Feather dusters? naughty language? Guns you tit! (full quote)
8821 Shotguns. You mean guns that fire shots? (full quote)
9742 If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kinda pussy to drink it. (full quote)
10110 Not now, not now, please! Oh, you fucking bastard. (full quote)
10929 --Look, it's all completely chicken soup. --It's what? --It's kosher. As Christmas. --The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom. (full quote)
10929 what do you mean? (full quote)
10929 It's as kosher...as Christmas. (full quote)
10929 The Boss. (full quote)
10929 The Payback. (full quote)
10929 Truly, Madly, Deeply. (full quote)
10929 Spooky. (full quote)
10929 Walk This land. (full quote)
10929 Oh Girl. (full quote)
11289 If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. (full quote)
12397 Soap:I would rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse! (full quote)
12397 TOM Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er . . . I dunno, `does what no other dildo can do until now', latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques! (full quote)
12397 TOM:How heavy are the fellas anyway? EDDY:They don't look all that. soap:Hitler didn't look all that (full quote)
12397 soap:I would feel safer with a chicken drumstick (full quote)
12397 SOAP:where the fuck are they going? To butcher a sheep??? I thought this was a robbery! (full quote)
12397 EDDY:The whole of the British Empire was built on cups of tea. SOAP:And look what happened to that (full quote)
12397 TOM:Well Jesus, that wasn't so bad, was it? soap:When the bottle in my arse has contracted I'll let you know. (full quote)
12397 soap:Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get. (full quote)
12397 BIG CHRIS:Got something here for me, have ya? Come on, chop chop. (full quote)
12397 DOG:It's a dog eat dog world, lads, and I got bigger teeth than you. (full quote)
12397 Barry:When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean? (full quote)
12554 Armed! what do you mean armed? Armed with what? Um, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster. what do you think their armed with? Guns, you tit! (full quote)
13807 You’re carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don’t look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist (full quote)
16721 Charles, get the rifle out. We're being fucked. (full quote)
16733 1)what THE FUCK, WAS THAT!?! 2)It's my Bren Gun. (full quote)
16733 Is this your idea of a joke? Cause I aint fucking laughing, Nicholas! (full quote)
16733 If you leave something out, I kill ya. If you forget something, I kill ya. If you lie, or i suspect you lie, then I kill ya. Now do you understand troughly everything I just said to you? Cause if you don't, then I kill ya! Now... you may enlighten me. (full quote)
29417 Tom: It's a deal. It's a steal. It's the sale of the fuckin century. In fact, fuck it, Nick, I think I'll keep it. Nick: Hang on, hang on. Keep your allens on. (full quote)
29417 If you hold anything back, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now, do you understand everything that I've just said? Because if you don't, I'll kill you. (full quote)
29417 Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. You see, knives are good because they don't make a lot of noise. The less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Guns for show, knives for a pro. (full quote)
29417 Harry: You must be Eddy, JD's son. Eddy: You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father. Harry: Never mind, son. You'll meet him if you keep up like that. (full quote)
29417 A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron rusted, so he has gone to the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he has turned the channel over. A fat man's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over. `Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, he stands and picks up a fire extinguisher and he walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, then he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong oddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. `That's fucking it,' says the man. Rory gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the man lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to watch his game. The flaming man and his chinos ran outside to extinguish the flames, and Rory cheered on. His team won too, four-nil. (full quote)
29981 Jesus Christ! You could choke a dozen donkeys on that. what do you do when your not buying stereo's Nick? Finance revolutions? (full quote)
30295 If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. (full quote)
34734 Five minutes ago it was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia. (full quote)
35248 I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets. (full quote)
  I didn't ask for a fucking rainforest, I just wanted a drink... I could make love to an orangatang in there! (full quote)
  Cos its cheap, like a budgie (full quote)
  Eddie : They're armed. Soap : Armed, armed with what? Eddie : Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit! (full quote)
  1: You must be Eddie, JD's son. 2: You must be Harry. Sorry, didnt know your dad. 1: Keep up that way, son, you might just meet him. (full quote)
  Rory: Your stupidity might be your one saving grace. Nick: Whu?! Rory: Don’t WHU!? Me! Greekboy! How is it that your fucking stupid, soon to be dead friends, thought that they might be able to steal my cannibis, and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunt joke what black cunts don't get? Coz I'm not fucking laughing Nic-ol-ass. If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think your bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. (full quote)
  1: Weed? 2: No, its not normal weed. It’s some fucked up, gunk, class A, I can’t think let alone move, shit. 1: Doesn’t sound very good to me. 2: No, neither me, but it depends what flips your switch and the light is on and burning brightly for the masses. Anyway do you know anyone? 1: I know a man, yes. Rory Breaker. 2: Not that madman with an afro. I don’t want anything to do with him. 1: You won’t have to. Just get me a sample. 2: No can do. 1: what’s that? Place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway mate. 2: Look its all completely chicken soup. 1: It’s what? 2: It’s kosher as Christmas. 1: The Jews don’t celebrate Christmas, Tom. 2: Never mind that, I’m gonna need some artillery, too, a couple of sawn-off shotguns. 1: This is a bit heavy. This is London not the Lebanon. Who do you think I am? 2: I think you’re Nick the Greek. (full quote)
  If you hold anything back, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth, or I think you're bendin' the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're going to have to work very hard to stay alive Nick. Now do you underatand everything I've just said? Good. Cause if you didn't, I'LL KILL YOU!!! Now Mr. Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me. (full quote)
  It's a Deal, it's a steal it's the sale of the fuckin century. In fact.. Fuck it I think I'll keep it. (full quote)
  Don't knock it, it's CHEEP. Like the budgie! (full quote)
  Come on ya'...not now PLEASE!? Not now. Oh you FUCKING BASTARD (full quote)
  Bacon: That's 25 from me, soap, Edd, and the Fat-Man. Tom: Who's this Fat-Man then? (full quote)
  Want a sandwhich bacon? (full quote)
  what do you think they're armed with? Bad breath? Colourful language? Feather dusters? (full quote)
  You go wait nextdoor at Samoan Joe's what kinda pub is this then? It's a SAMOAN pub... (full quote)
  Door man: Invite only. Eddy: Invite Door man: Yeah you know. Pretty white pieces of paper. With your name on it. Eddy: I got hundred thousand pretty white pieces of paper here with the Queen's head on it!? (full quote)
  Bacon to Soap: I dunno what's more worrying: This job, or your past... (full quote)
  I said knock him out not tough him up! (full quote)
  ..and Robert's your muvva's bruvva. (ie Bob's your uncle). (full quote)
10929 what school of finance did you study? (full quote)
10929 A minute ago, this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia. (full quote)
kmckay1 We grow copious amounts of ganja here, and you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-f******-culturalist. (full quote)
kmckay1 It's a deal. It's a steal. It's sale of the f****** century! Actually, f*** it, Nick, I think I'll keep it. (full quote)
Turkish 1. what that? 2. It's a cocktail, you asked for a cocktail 1. I asked you to bring me a refreshing dink... I wasn’t expecting a fucking rain forest; you could fall in love with an orangutan in there 2. You want a pint go to fuckin pub 1. I thought this was a pub 2. It's a Samoan pub. (full quote)