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Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill - 1998 Movie Quotes


Posted ByQuote
20947 I grew up in England, where the history comes from. (full quote)
20947 I am a proffessional transvestite, so I can run in heels and not fall over. (full quote)
20947 Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. So that's fun. And it's funny, because he was a mass-murdering fuckhead. (full quote)
20947 We've got 200 languages in Europe! 200! Count them! I know you WON'T!!! (full quote)
20947 Henry VIII, big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, 'Mr. Pope, I'm gonna marry my first wife, then I'm gonna divorce her. Now I know what you're going to say, but stick with me, my story gets better. Second wife, I'm gonna kill her. Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a rotissamat. Seventh wife, made out of jam...' And the Pope is saying, 'You crazy bugger! You can't do all this, what are you a Morman? It's illegal! What have you been reading? The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!' (full quote)
20947 There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it? (full quote)
20947 We stole countries. That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. 'I claim India for Britain!' And they're going, 'You can't claim us! We live here! There's five hundred million of us!' 'Do you have a flag?' 'We don't need a flag, this is our country, you bastard!' 'No flag, no country! Those are the rules that... I just made up!' (full quote)
20947 The National Rifle Association says that guns don't kill people, people do. But I think the gun helps, you know? I just think just standing there going 'Bang!' That's not going to kill too many people, is it? (full quote)
20947 You pronounce it it 'erbs', we pronounce it 'herbs' because there's a fucking H in it. (full quote)
20947 1: Cake or death? 2: Uh, cake please. 1: All right... You, cake or death? 2: Cake please! 1:Here. Next! You, cake or death? 2: Death please. No, cake! 1: You said death first! 2: I know, but I meant cake! 1: Oh, all right. You're lucky we're Church of England... You, cake or death? 2: Cake please. 1: Too bad! We're out of cake. We only had three bits. 2: So my choice is 'or death'?! (full quote)
3225 The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England...Talk! But it hurts! Aw..loosen it up a bit will you? (full quote)
3225 Dr. Hemilich who woke up one day and thought...a fist...a hand hoocha hoocha hoocha...lobster (full quote)
3225 The fog is faster than the fucking taxis...of which there are five (full quote)
3225 Squirrels always eat with two hands and occasionaly they look up as if they're going, Did I leave the gas on? No I'm a fucking squirrel! (full quote)
3225 Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire. so that's fun. I think that's funny because he was a mass murdering fuckhead. And that was his honeymoon as well. Double trouble. Eva let's marry. Well where shall our honeymoon be? In a ditch covered in petrol on fire I've already arranged it upstairs. Oh how romantic Adolf. Yes I thought (full quote)
3225 Russian front not a good idea. Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid (full quote)
3225 They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth how lucky is that? (full quote)
3225 Ah t his is where our God has brought us to. We can practice our religion here and raise a family. There's nobody here...excuse me...a land bereft of human existence...who the fuck are these guys? what's all this please? no we don't want any of your food thank you very much. just put some clothes on...meanwhile that winter...excuse me do you have any food? I love all this! Sorry we were a bit brusque when we first arrived. We didn't realize you owned the entire country. But you have no system of ownership...hmm...interesting...maybe that can come in useful later...ah food thank you very much. yes there are more of us coming but we'll keep our promises. So the American Government lied to the Native Americans for many many years. And then President Clinton lied about a relationship and everyone was surprised...a little naiive I feel. (full quote)
3225 And kids eat chocolate eggs because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross...well you tell me. Its got nothing to do with it has it? Kids eating the chocolate eggs and their parents are saying 'Remember kids, Jesus died for your sins.' 'Yeah I know its great!' 'No its bad' 'No its bad...whatever you want just keep giving me these eggs. And baby Jesus was born to big jolly guy in a red suit...Ho ho ho Baby Jesus and what would you like for Christmas? Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men...well what about a clockwork train? oh much better I don't care. forget it! (full quote)
3225 tea and cake or death. tea and cake or death. little red cookbook. little red cookbook. (full quote)
3225 cable cars are fun everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey (full quote)
3225 If a woman falls over in heels that's embarassing but if a bloke falls over in heels then you have to kill yourself. (full quote)
3225 The military is missing a huge opportunity, because we all know one of the main elements of attack is the element of surprise. So what could be more surprising than the first batallion transvestite brigade? Airborne wing parachuting in with fantastic makeup! And a fantastic gun. The opposing forces are going 'Fucking hell look at these guys eh?...they've got guns! they've got guns!Jesus where's my gun? I was so surprised were you surprised I was surprised (full quote)
3225 People of Berlin I say to you Ich bin ein Berliner and the crowd went fucking wild!...trouble is Ich bin ein Berliner means I am a doughnut. (full quote)
3225 In the words of Albert Schweizer I fancy you! But no at 13 you say Hello Sue. I've got legs. do you like bread? Here I got a French loaf. Bye! I love you! (full quote)
3225 I'd go into film studiios and I would creep around hoping that a man with a big cigar would say 'Hey a creeping kid for my film The Creeping Kid' (full quote)
3225 Hitler was a vegetarian painter so he was probably sitting there...'I can't get the fucking trees. Damn, I will kill everyone in the world! (full quote)
3225 Napolean had been storming in there I'm gonna kill I'm gonna kill oh...its a bit cold its a bit cold...then Hitler decided I've got a better idea I've got a better idea...oh its the same idea its the same idea (full quote)
3225 Italy invented fascism, but most Italian people are all on motorcycles going Ciao! Mussolini said right we're all fascists...uh alright...Ciao! No helmet on...vroom...They're not fascists everyones cool and hangs out (full quote)
3225 I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women, hot and strong...with a spoon in them (full quote)
3225 I was making one of those post virginity breakfasts. Breakfast cereal, bacon and eggs, bit of coffee bubbling away, freshly squeezed mango juice. She's saying you're very chipper this morning. I'm like yeah cause of last night heh heh Lost my virginity! Oh yeah with who? (full quote)
34199 The army has a strick 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy toward the alternate sexes...but if you're a bloke wearing a lot of makeup I don't think they need to ask. (full quote)
  Wrong shade of lipstick for the army I'm afraid.. (full quote)
MovieMan31 You tear your history down man! (full quote)
  Not premature. MATURE ejaculation, MATURE!Post mature! (full quote)
MovieMan31 The American National Anthem is a bit hazy in the middle, I've noticed. And the fish in the sky...and a baked monkey's pie (full quote)
MovieMan31 Stonehenge...one of the biggest henges in the world! (full quote)
MovieMan31 And the Druids, long white beards, long white gowns, early transvestites...couldn't get their shaving together (full quote)
MovieMan31 And the Druids are standing there saying - 'heave everyone heave! Well done everyone, you're doing very well! You're going to love it. I've seen some of the drawings...very special' (full quote)
MovieMan31 We couldn't put a man in a track suit up a ladder! (full quote)
  'ello look i'm lord vader and just pay abloodytention, alright luke, luke the force is quite strong with you is it yeah well who told you that uh, some bloke. yeah he said the force is really rather strong with you. well how strong as strong as a small pony well that's quite strong that is. (full quote)
  Oh you're a plumber, what on earth is that? (full quote)
  [on landing on the moon] You can't go out onto the moon in the first time in the history of the ever ever, and go, 'Oh, it's all STICKY!...it's covered in jam!' (full quote)
10929 Hitler never played risk when he was a kid. (full quote)
MovieMan31 You fucking bastards! 200 miles in this day and age? I don't even know where I live now! (full quote)
MovieMan31 Nobody builds henges like that anymore. Nobody knows what the fuck a henge is. (full quote)
MovieMan31 England?! What? What's that behind your back? Oh it's India and a number of other countries. Well give them back. (full quote)
MovieMan31 The Faulkland Islands, oh We need the Faulkland Islands? Why? For strategic sheep purposes. (full quote)