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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - 1989 Movie Quotes


Posted ByQuote
9316 Merry Christmas...Shitter was full (full quote)
  Just a little knot here! (full quote)
  where do you think your gonna stick that thing griswold? Bend over and i'll show you. You got a lot of nerve talking to me like that! I wasn't talking to you! (looks at girl) (full quote)
9800 you couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant (full quote)
10083 Clark, that there's an RV! (full quote)
10083 Is this the Airport, Clark? No, Aunt Bethany. Don't throw me down, Clark. I won't. Is Rusty still in the Navy? (full quote)
10083 He's got a little Mississippi Leg-Hound in him. Once he starts though, it's best to just let him finish. (full quote)
10083 Rusty, Grandma's got a real painful burr on her foot, and if you rub it for me, I'll give you a quarter. Rusty: Wow, a quarter. Grandma: ...and I'll give Audrey a quarter too. (full quote)
10083 ...The plates were from kansas...He was a Beastly, Bulging man...In a Blue Leisure suit.> (full quote)
10083 1.My god! His eyes aren't crossed anymore! 2. Figure that one out...Falls in a well, his eyes go crossed, gets kicked by a Mule, they go back. (full quote)
10083 You about ready to do some kissin'? (full quote)
10083 All we kept was a 50 foot plot...the pigs...and the worm farm. (full quote)
10083 All we kept was a 50 foot plot...the pigs...and the worm farm. (full quote)
10083 Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse! (full quote)
10083 Merry Christmas...Merry Christmas...Merry Christmas...Kiss my ass...Kiss his ass...Kiss your ass...Happy Hanukah (full quote)
10083 If that cat had nine lives, he just spent 'em all. (full quote)
10083 Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get you something to eat? drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark. (full quote)
10083 Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (full quote)
10083 Honey, why don't you run and get the kid's things, and don't forget the rubber sheets and the gerbils (full quote)
10083 Save the neck for me, Clark (full quote)
10083 This here's our pride and joy...Snots (full quote)
10083 1.Dad, this box is meowing. 2.Aunt Bethany...she wrapped up her damn cat! Russ, take this in the kitchen and unwrap it. (full quote)
10083 1. Aunt Bethany, does your cat by any chance like jello? 2. I don't know about the cat...but I sure am enjoyin' it (full quote)
  THat's a honey of a tree, clark. (full quote)
10284 Little full....Lotta sap....Looks great (gives okay sign) (full quote)
  Is your house on fire, Clark??? (full quote)
10359 Dad that thing wouldn't fit in our yard! It's not going in our yard Russ, it's going in our living room. (full quote)
10423 Audrey: (to rusty) Get off of me you little fungus (full quote)
10435 AAAHHH, hey! If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, i have one. I'd like Frank Shirley my boss right here tonight. And i want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melanie Lane with all the other rich people, and i want him brought right here. With a big ribbon on his head. And i want to look him straight in the eye and i want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, fore fleshing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, embread over stuffed, ignorent, blood sucking, dog kissing, brain less, dick less, hope less, heart less, fat ass, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotted, worm headed, sack of monkey shit he is! Ahlailuah holy shit! where's the tylenol? (full quote)
10440 1) And WHY is the carpet all wet, Todd? 2) I don't KNOW, Margo. (full quote)
10502 Tis the season to be merry. Well that's my name. No shit. (full quote)
10601 Did I break wind?! (full quote)
10601 1)Grace?!?! But Grace passed away 30 years ago! 2)They want you to say: THE BLESSING!!! (full quote)
  Can't see the line, can you, Russ? (full quote)
10639 I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought RIGHT HERE with a big ribbon on his head and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat ass, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotted lipped, worm headed sack of shit he is... HALLELUIA... HOLY SHIT...where's the Tylenol... (full quote)
10731 Why is the carpet wet Todd? I don't know Margo! (full quote)
  Surprised? Eddie if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now. (full quote)
7355 Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn into the carpet, I wouldn't be anymore surprised than I am now... (full quote)
8685 Every time Catherine turns on the microwave, I piss my pants and forget who I am for a half an hour! (full quote)
  thats a hunny of a tree clark (full quote)
  Yep, it's a little nipply out there... (full quote)
  Save the neck for me, Clark. (full quote)
  i simply solved a problem. we needed a coffin - (maniacal laugh) - i mean a tree. (full quote)
  Hey. If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head and I want to look him straight in the eye and I wanna tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotton, four-flushing, low-life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped, worm headed, sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? (full quote)
  Have you got a kiss for Grandpa? -- I don't think that's such a good idead. He's got a lip fungus the doctors haven't quite identified yet. (full quote)
  Jesus Bethany, did the room clear, HELL NO! (full quote)
  halleluia holy shit wheres the tylenol! (full quote)
  The Griswald family christmas tree (full quote)
  Look kids a deer! (full quote)
  Bethany, say grace, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag...' (full quote)
  Eddie: I got the oldest daughter in the clinic gettin' cured off the Wild Turkey. And my other boy is preparin' for his career. Clark: College? Eddie: No, carnival. Right now he's the picher dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl. One day he hopes to be screamin for the Yack Woman. You ever see her? She's got the horns comin right out of her head. Yea, she's ugly as sin. But a sweet gal, and a hell-of-a good cook. (full quote)
  Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clarke scratch yer belly. I better not Eddie, my hands are all chapped... (full quote)
  husband & wife standing together: That's some tree Clark! where do you think you're going to put that? Clark: Bend over and I'll show you. Husband: You've got some nerve talking to me that way! Clark: I wasn't talking to youuuu. (full quote)
  If I woke up with my head stappled to the carpet tomorrow morning Eddie, I wouldn't be more surprised. - Clark (full quote)
  Clark, we're stuck under a truck! Do you honestly think I don't know that! (full quote)
  and its about my mother accusing your mother of buying cheap hotdogs and your mother accusing my mother of waxingher upperlip (full quote)
  can't see the line, can you russ? (full quote)
1212 1)Isn't it a little big? 2)Its not big, its just...full. (full quote)
1212 1)where ya think you're gonna put a tree that big? 2)Bend over and I'll show you. (full quote)
1212 There's a lot of sap in here. Looks great...little full, lotta sap. (full quote)
1212 1)You're mother waxes her upper lip? 2)She has for years. (full quote)
1212 You're the last true family man. (full quote)
1212 1)Don't forget that report, Bill. 2)Yes, sir. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukka. (full quote)
1212 1)'Tis the season to be Merry. 2)Well, that's MY name. 1)No shit? (full quote)
1212 Russ, when was the last time I overdid anything? (full quote)
1212 1)I hope he falls ande breaks his neck. 2)I'm sure he'll fall, but I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck. (full quote)
1212 Well, I don't know what to say, except its Christmas, and we're all in misery. (full quote)
1212 250 strands of lights, 100 individual bulbs per strand, for a grand total of 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights. (full quote)
1212 If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to teh carpet I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now. (full quote)
1212 1)And the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career? 2)College? 1)Carnival. 2)You gotta be proud. 1)Oh yeah! (full quote)
1212 Could I refill your eggnog for ya, get you something to eat, drive ya out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? (full quote)
1212 Remember: don't try this at home, kids. I'm a professional. Later, dudes. (full quote)
1212 1)Nervous or excited? 2)Shittin' bricks. 1)You shouldn't use that word. 2)Sorry, shittin' rocks. (full quote)
1212 1)Me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you. 2)Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything. 1)Dammit Bethany! He guessed it! (full quote)
1212 1)Aww, Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that. 2)Oh dear, did I break wind? (full quote)
1212 1)Mom. 2)what? 1)This box is meowing. 3)Let me see it. She wrapped up her damn cat! (full quote)
1212 If that thing had nine lives, she just spend 'em all. (full quote)
1212 1)Do you smell something? 2)Fried pussy cat. (full quote)
1212 Look what you've done to my tree!!! (full quote)
1212 1)It was an ugly tree anyway. 2)At least its out of its misery. 3)Dad's gonna flip out. 4)No, nobody's gonna flip out. We're gonna have a wonderful Christmas. (full quote)
1212 What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nut house? (full quote)
1212 AHH!! Hey, if any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people. And I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head. And I wanna look him straight in the eye, and I wanna tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, lowlife, snake-licking, dirt-eating, imbread, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is!!! Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the Tylenol. (full quote)
1212 1)He's got that crazed look in his eye. 2)I told you we should've gone to Hawaii. (full quote)
1212 You know, Dad, I've been thinking good talk, Dad! (full quote)
1212 1)I didn't go berserk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin--I mean, a tree; there are no lots open on Christmas Eve, Lewis burned down my tree, so I replaced it as best I could. Viola!.....Fixed the newel post!! (full quote)
1212 1)Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old-fashioned family Christmas! No, no! We're all in this together! This is a full blown, four alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-Fucking-Kay! And when Santa squeezes his fat, white ass down that chimney tonight he's gonna fjind the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house!! 2)You're goofy. 1)Don't piss me off, Art. (full quote)
1212 1) Ho ho ho!! Merry Christmas, Clark! 1) You about ready to do some kissin'? (full quote)
1212 You know, Dad---{Dad revves chainsaw} good talk, Dad!! (full quote)
1212 1) {to 2} Ho ho ho!! Merry Christmas, Clark!! 1){to 3} You 'bout ready to do some kissin'? (full quote)
1212 1)Of all the cheap, lousy ways to save a buck! 2)That's pretty low, Mister. If I had a rubber hose I would beat you w/-- 3)I changed my mind! I'm reinstating all the bonuses!! (full quote)
1212 1)Its Santy Claus. 2)No, its the Christmas Star...See, kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me. (full quote)
1212 That ain't no friggin' Christmas Star, Gris. Its a light on the sewage treatment plant! (full quote)
11186 thats a hunny of a tree clark (full quote)
11186 is your house on fire clark? no aunt bethany, its the christmas lights. don't push me down clark! i'll try not to aunt bethany. is this the airport clark? WERE HERE! we got the perfect gift for you. oh uncle lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything. damnit bethany he guessed it! that was fun...i love riding in cars! when did you move to florida? evelyn, are you still dating clark? oh aunt bethany you shouldn't have done that. oh dear, did i break wind? jeez did the room clear out bethany..hell no she means the presents, you shouldn't have brought presents! well it isn't everyday somebody moves into a new house. they didn't movie into a new house! is rusty still in the navy? (full quote)
11392 It wouldn't be the Christmas season if the stores were anymore hooter...I mean hotter than they are. (full quote)
12353 Hey. If any of you are looking for any last minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought here from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head and I want to look him in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotton, four-flushing, low life, snake licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, bloodsucking, dogkissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fatass, bug eyed, stiff legged, spotty lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? (full quote)
12353 Clark:It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie:Clark, that's the gift that just keeps on givin' the whole year (full quote)
12353 Do ya smell something? Yeah fried pussycat. (full quote)
12353 Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constuctive, run into the living room and get my stogie. (full quote)
12353 I love it here. You don't have to put on your coat to go to the bathroom. (full quote)
12353 Helen: What are you looking at? Clark: Oh the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, an asshole in his bath robe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Eddie: Shitter was full (full quote)
13821 MERRY CHRISTMAS!Shitter was full!! (full quote)
13821 #1.whatcha doin' honey? #2. Oh,just admiring the majesty of a crisp winter morning,the crisp new fallen snow,and an asshole,in his bathrobe,emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.#3.MERRY CHRISTMAS!THE SHITTER WAS FULL!#2.AH!Have you checked our shitters latley honey?#1.He probably doesnt know any better.#2.Well he ought to know its illegal. Its a storm drain and I pity anyone who lights a match within' 10 feet of it. (full quote)
14628 Did I break wind? Jesus Christ, did the room clear out, Bethany. He means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.. (full quote)
14628 Put it over there with the others, douchebag!! (full quote)
14628 Can't see the line, can ya, Russ? (full quote)
17534 (1) Why is hte carpet all wet Todd? (2)I don't know Margo! (full quote)
18441 1- He worked really hard Grandpa 2- So do washing machines (full quote)
18441 1-We're not driving all the way out here to get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clause's are we dad? 2- No Audrey. I have have one of those at home (full quote)
20321 SQUIRREL!!! (full quote)
20947 Kid: What's that, Uncle Clark? Clark: That's the Christmas star. Old man: That ain't no friggin' Christmas star, it's the light from the sewage treatment plant. Clark: Sewer gas... DON'T DROP THAT-!!!! (Old man drops match near sewer, and the sewer hole blows up) (full quote)
20947 Clark: HALLELUJIA, AND HOLY SHIT! where's the Tylenol? (full quote)
23383 Hey...if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here, tonight. And I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on melody lane with all the other rich people and I want him right here...with a big ribbon on his head! And I wanna look him straight in the eye, and I wanna tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spiny lipped, wormheaded sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah...and holy shit! Where's the Tylenol... (full quote)
23383 Uncle Louis: They want you to say grace. (Aunt Bethany shakes her head...) Uncle Louis: The BLESSING! (pause) Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United states of America (everyone joins)...and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Clark: Amen. (full quote)
24986 Do you have to sleep with your brother? You know how sick and twisted that his, mom?! (full quote)
25872 1. Shittin' bricks. 2. You shouldn't say that. 1. Sorry...shittin' rocks. (full quote)
25984 -It's a beaut Clark it's a beaut!! -Ahhh thanks dad, you taught me eveything i know about exterior alumination (full quote)
25984 There's a lotta sap in here... Looks Great!!....very full, lotta sap... (full quote)
25984 -And this here's our pride and joy, Snots! We named him that cuz he's got this sinus condition. ....Snots! You roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly! -Ahh...I better not, my..my hands are all chapped. (full quote)
25984 But he worked really hard grandma.... So do washing machines (full quote)
  tis the season to be merry well, thats my name no shit. (full quote)
  Can't see the lines can you Russ? (full quote)
  The little lights aren't twinkling clark... (full quote)
  Merry Christmas. Well Mary, that's my name. Huh, no shit (full quote)
  Don't throw me down Clark! (full quote)
  I love riding in cars (full quote)
  Bethany: This house is bigger than your old one. Louis: They didn't move in to a new house. (full quote)
  Is Rusty still in the Navy Clark???? (full quote)
  Play ball! (full quote)
  Aunt Bethany, by any chance does your cat like jello mold?? (full quote)
  Can't see the line can ya Russ? (full quote)
  The Bleeessssingggg!! (full quote)
  Guess it wouldn't be the Christmas season if the stores weren't any hooter than they...hotter than they are. (full quote)
  it's a bit nipply outside. Did I say nipple? (full quote)
  Michael who, who put that christmas tree there? (full quote)
  Michael who, who put that christmas tree there? (full quote)
  Semi permeable (full quote)
  Ha ha ha ha... Hey, If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley ,my boss, right here, tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on melody lane with all the other rich people, and I want brought right here with a big ribbon on his head! And I wanna look him straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, Floor flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, over-stuffed, ignorant, blood sucking, dog-kissing, brainless d--kless, hopeless, heartless, fat a--ed, bug-eyed, stiff-leged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed, sack of monkey s--t he is! Halleluyah! Holy S--t! Where's the tylenol? (full quote)
  Clark: Come on eddie, give it a try. Eddie: I better not Clark, I got this metal plate in my head see and over here..its nothing, but here, if this gets dented my hair just aint gonna look right. (full quote)
  fix newell post (full quote)
  Ellen: Clark! Slow down!! Clark: Do you really want to ride behind somebody who does something like that? We're going to pull around them and leave them safely behind us. Burn dust.... Eat my rubber. Russ: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever Russ, whatever.. Eat my road grit, liver lips! (pulls in in front of truck) Okay, thats enough of that. (full quote)
  (Guys pull up behind them in their truck) Russ: Dad, they're back.. (guys go to pass) (Clark floors it) Ellen: Clark! Stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead! (full quote)
  That’s not the fricken Christmas star. That’s the light on top of the sewage treatment plant. (full quote)
  Clark's got a car, he can drive! I gotta eat, so I can take my back pills. (full quote)
  Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass, kiss my ass, kiss his ass, happy Hanukkah. (full quote)
  If any of you need any last minute gift ideas for me (full quote)
  It's a beaut, Clark! (full quote)
  Are you looking for Kris Tresco? find him at ktresco at proshowinc dot com (full quote)
  Lotta' sap in here. (full quote)
  Tis' the season to be merry.That's my name.No shit. (full quote)
  Tis' the season to be merry.That's my name.No shit. (full quote)
  Clark that's the gift that keeps on giving all year.That it is Edward. (full quote)
  the shitter's full (full quote)
  Look kids, a deer! (full quote)
  Is Rusty still in the Navy? (full quote)
  Hello everybody? I should say it? (full quote)
  I have to eat, so I can take my back pill (full quote)
  Now Aunt Br=ethany=,you should'nt have done that. what, did I break wind again? (full quote)
  Aunt Bethany- Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. (full quote)
  Aunt Bethany- Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. (full quote)
  Aunt Bethany- Grace? She passeds away thirty years ago. (full quote)
  Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse! (full quote)
  Put it on the back with the rest of em' Greaseball! (full quote)
  Later dudes! (full quote)
  You want to hurry this up clark? Im freezing my baggets off!! (full quote)
  Snots, you roll over and let uncle clark scratch your belly. You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, clark. (full quote)
  Eddie-Its a good lookin vehicle ain't it? -Clark-Yeah, so nice parked out in the driveway. -Eddie- Yeah, sure does, but don't you go fallin in love with it now, cause we're takin it with us when we leave here next month. (full quote)
  It wouldn't be the holiday season if the stores were any less hooter hotter than they are! (full quote)
  He worked really hard on that grandpa. Well, so do washing machines! (full quote)
  I'd take a raincheck on that, Clark. He's got a fungus hasn't been identified yet. (full quote)
  You couldnt here a dumptruck driving through a nitro-glycerin plant (full quote)
  Dad, that won't tree won't fit in out yard! It's not going in our yard russ, it's going in out livving room. (full quote)
  Art: It was an ugly tree anyway. Lewis: Atleast its out of its misery (full quote)
  Aint she a beaut clark (full quote)
A-Boynix HALLELUYAH! HOLY SHIT! where's the tylenol (full quote)
jevans68 Clark, that there is an RV. (full quote)
10929 Nothing's going to spoil this Christmas. (full quote)
10929 I have to eat so I can take my back pill. (full quote)
10929 Hey! Ellen! (full quote)
10929 Kids, come out here and see what Uncle Clark has done with the house. (full quote)
10929 Bingo! (full quote)
10929 The gas money gave out in Gurnee. (full quote)
10929 Clark, stop it. I don't want to spend the holidays dead. (full quote)
10929 I don't want to spend the holidays dead. (full quote)
10929 Made pretty good time. (full quote)
10929 The Griswald family Christmas tree. (full quote)
10929 --your mother waxes her upper lip? --She has for years. (full quote)
10929 Folks... Folks, Merry Christmas. (full quote)
10929 Joy To The World. (full quote)
10929 Ellen, I fixed it! (full quote)
10929 We're going to have the best looking house in town, Russ. (full quote)
10929 When did you get the tenament on wheels? (full quote)
10929 It's a good looking vehicle, isn't it? (full quote)
10929 --How did you get through it? --I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels. (full quote)
10929 That Spirit Of Christmas. (full quote)
10929 Hey, Santa Claus. (full quote)
10929 Here Comes Santa Claus. (full quote)
10929 Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer. (full quote)
10929 Well, I'm gonna park the cars and the suitcases. And, well, I'll be outside for the season. (full quote)
10929 -We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we? -No, I have one of those at home. (full quote)
10929 whatever. (full quote)
20947 Checked our shitters lately, honey? (full quote)
20947 SHITTER WAS full!! (full quote)
20947 Merry Christmas! SHITTER was full!! (full quote)
20947 MERRY CHRISTMAS! THE SHITTER WAS full!!! (full quote)
25984 What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nut house? (full quote)
25984 Hey Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect for you! Oohh Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything! Aww, damnit Bethany he guessed it! (full quote)
25984 ::Cousin Eddie:: You know the metal plate in my head Clark? ::Clark:: How can I forget Eddie... ::Cousin Eddie:: Well I had to get it removed cus everytime Catherine read up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so... so they had to put in a plastic one. So..I dunno if i wanna go gliding down any hill with nothing between my feet and my brain than a piece of government plastic. ::Clark:: Do you think it really matters Eddie? ::Cousin Eddie:: Well, the plate runs right under part...over here...nothing...but here....if this gets dented, then...my hair...just aint gonna look right. (full quote)
25984 Is your house on fire Clark? No Aunt Bethany, those are Christmas lights (full quote)
26781 1. I don't think I want to be sliding down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic. 2. Do you really think it matters Eddie? (full quote)
Marvin Acme Can I refill your egg nog for ya? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? (full quote)
Marvin Acme #1- It's a one year membership in the Jelly of the Month Club. #2- Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. (full quote)
Marvin Acme #1- Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? #2- Bend over and I'll show you. #1- You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold. #2- I wasn't talking to you. (full quote)
27700 Come on Russ, when was the last time I over did anything? (full quote)
crowecat Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! (full quote)
crowecat We're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny fuckin' Kaye! (full quote)
crowecat Clark: Can I refill your egg nog for you, get you something to eat, drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark, just glad to be here. (full quote)
29084 -Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber! -Dad, I think you mean, burn rubber and eat my dust. -whatever Russ, whatever. (full quote)
29084 -Hey Griswold! where do you think you're going to put a tree that big? -Bend over and I'll show you! -You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold! -I wasn't talking to you. (full quote)
29084 -Can I show you something? -I was just smelling..smiling...I was just blouse browsing. (full quote)
29084 -Whoo, it is warm in here! -Well when you have your coat on. -Oh do I? How did that happen? -Because it's cold out. -Yes, yes it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. Ha ha ha ha. what did I say nipple? Ha ha. There is a nip in the air though. -Can I take something out for you? -Heeeheehe. Yes, I was just looking for something for my wife. God rest her soul. -Oh God, I'm so sorry. -No, no she's not dead..yet. We're just divorced. She's history. And obviously she doesn't wear underwear and there are plenty of shopping days left till the adultries, adulthood, which is to say Chirstmas as in the old yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. If I had a log not in the sense that you think I said I did. Ahhh, good Golly. Tis the season to be merry. -Well that's my name. -No shit. (full quote)
29084 Can't see the line can you Russ. Nope! (full quote)
29657 You couldnt hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. (full quote)
32925 We're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny fucking Kaye and when Santa shoves his fat ass down the chimney, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's the aspirin? (full quote)
35404 Get on in there and get yourself something to eat. (full quote)
40905 1.Is your house on fire, Clark? 2.No Aunt Bethany, those are the,uh,Christmas lights. (full quote)
40905 Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? (full quote)
Lauren30 1:Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? 2: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark. (full quote)
Lauren30 Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse (full quote)
AdamR54 Eddie: "Well, don't go putting none of that stuff on my sled Clark. You know that metal plate in my head?" Clark: "Ah! How could I forget?" Eddie: "I had to have it replaced, because everytime Cathrine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half-hour or so. So, over at the VA, they had to replace it with a plastic one. It ain't as strong. So, I don't know if I ought to go sailing down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic." Clark: "You really think it matters Eddie?" Eddie: "Well, see the plate runs right underneath the part here. See, over here, nothing. But, here if this gets dented, then my hair just ain't going to look right." (full quote)
AdamR54 Ellen: "What are you looking at?" Clark: "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn. The clean cool chill of the holiday air. And an asshole in his bathrobe, emtying his chemical toilet into my sewer." Eddie: "Shitter was full!" Clark: "Ah, yeah! You checked our shitters honey?" Ellen: "Clark please, he doesn't know any better." Clark: "He ought to know it's illegal. It's a storm sewer: if it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "You're pretty set so far as shopping goes?" Eddie: "Well, I can't lie to you Clark. The truth is, things ain't going too good at all. You know I told you I borrowed the RV from my neighbor? Nope. It's mine. We live in it. I had to sell off the house, the barn, the ten acres. All I kept was a 50-foot plot, the pigs and the worm farm. If only I had back the money that me and Cathrine sent that TV preacher that was screwing the hockey players." Clark: "What about the kids?" Eddie: "His kids can fend for themselves. I don't even..." Clark: "No, your kids." Eddie: "Oh, well, that's the bitch of it. See, I don't know what to do. We coasted into town on fumes. The gas money we give out in Gurnee. " Clark: "Eddie, Ellen and I want to help you give the kids a nice Christmas." Eddie: "Oh Clark, I couldn't do that." Clark: "No, no, we insist." Eddie: "Oh, no; I'm not one for charity, now." Clark: "Oh, I know that Eddie. This isn't charity; it's family." Eddie: "Ooh, I don't know about that." Clark: "Now, come on; if you don't tell me what they want, I'll go out and get it on my own." Eddie: "Oh boy, this is a surprise Clark. This is just a real nice surprise. Just a real nice surprise. Here's a little list. Alphabetical, starting with Cathrine. And if it wouldn't be too much, I'd like to get something for you Clark. Something really nice." (full quote)
AdamR54 Aunt Bethany: "Is your house on fire Clark?" Clark: "No, Bethany, those are just Christmas lights." Aunt Bethany: "Don't throw me down Clark." Clark: "I'll try not to Aunt Bethany" Aunt Bethany: "Is this the airport Clark?" Clark: "We're here!" Uncle Lewis: "Say Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for you." Clark: "Oh, Uncle Lewis, you didn't have to buy me anything." Uncle Lewis: "Damn it Bethany, he guessed it." Aunt Bethany: "Oh, that was fun; I love riding in cars. When did you move to Florida?" (full quote)
AdamR54 Aunt Bethany: "Ellen, are you still dating Clark?" Ellen: "Oh, Aunt Bethany, you know you shouldn't hae done that." Aunt Bethany: "Oh dear, did I break wind?" Uncle Lewis: "Jesus, did the room clear out? Hell no. She means presents; you shouldn't have brought presents." Aunt Bethany: "It isn't everyday somebody moves into a new house." Uncle Lewis: "They didn't move into a new house!" Aunt Bethany: "This house is bigger than your old one. Is Rusty still in the Navy?" Ellen: "Aunt Bethany, why don't you go with Frances and Cathrine into the living room and say hello to everybody." Aunt Bethany: "Hello, everybody?" Ellen: "Just in the living room.." Aunt Bethany: "I should say it?" Ellen: "You should say it." Aunt Bethany: "Hello, everybody!" Ellen: "Hello, everybody." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "I can't believe it." Art: "What is it, a letter confirming your reservation at the nut house?" Calrk: "It's from my company." Ellen: "Your bonus." Clark: "My bonus." Nora: "Open it Clarkie, open it!" Eddie: "Yeah, I hope it's a fortune Clark." Clark: "I'll bet you do Eddie." Ellen: "Clark, what's wrong? It's bigger than you expected? Smaller? What is it?" Clark: "It's a one year membership in the jelly of the month club." Eddie: "Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year." Clark: "This it is Eddie, that it is." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "What's the matter?" Ellen: "Was that really necessary?" Clark: "We needed a tree." Ellen: "May I remind you that..." Clark: "That this was all my idea? No, no, no. I'm well aware of that honey." Ellen: "Well' could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berzerk?" Clark: "I didn't go berzerk. I simply solved a problem. We needed a coffin... I mead a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas eve. Lewis burned down my tree. So, I replaced it as best I could. Viola!" Ellen: "Are you okay?" Clark: "I'm fine honey." (full quote)
AdamR54 Aunt Bethany: "what's that sound? Do you hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound." Uncle Lewis: "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun old fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're going to press on, and we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's going to find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nut house." Art: "You're Goofy." Clark: "Don't piss me off Art." Ellen: "Clark? It's over." Clark: "Not according to Santa's watch it isn't." Clark Sr.: "Clark now, come on son." Clark: "Stay out of this Dad." Ellen: "Clark, I think it's best if everyone just goes home, before things get worse." Clark: "Worse? How could they get any worse? Take a look around you Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!" (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark Sr.: "In years to come, you'll want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us, and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas." Clark: "I just..." Clark Sr.: "You just cocked it up. It's okay, it happens." Clark: "All our holidays were such a mess." Clark Sr.: "Oh yeah." Clark: "How did you get through it?" Clark Sr.: "I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "We're all right. Thank God we're all right." Ellen: "Clark, we're stuck under a truck." Clark: "Do you honestly think I don't know that?" Audrey: "Come on you guys' don't fight." Clark: "For Christ's sake, I didn't do this on purpose." (full quote)
AdamR54 Todd: "Hey Griswold, where do you think you're going to put a tree that big?" Clark: "Bend over and I'll show you." Todd: "You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold." Clark: "I wasn't talking to you." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "Yes sir, merry Christmas. Merry Chirstmas. Merry Chirstmas. Merry Chirstmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah" (full quote)
AdamR54 Mary: "Can I show you something?" Clark: "Ah. I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. " Mary: "For your wife or your girlfriend?" Clark: "what? what happened? Whoof! I guess it wouldn't be any... Whoa! It wouldn't be the christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than - hotter than they are. Whoo! It is warm in here." Mary: "Well, you have your coat on." Clark: "Oh, do I? How did that happen?" Mary: "Because, it's cold out." Clark: "Yes, it's a bit nippely out. I mean nippy out. (laughs) what did I say, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air though." Mary: "Can I take something out for you?" Clark: "(laughs) I was just looking at something for my wife, god rest her soul." Mary: "Oh god, I'm so sorry." Clark: "Oh no no no, she's not dead. We're just divorced. She's history. And, obviously she doesn't wear underwear. And, there are plenty of shopping days left until aduteries - adulthood - which is to say christmas, as in yule, yule log. Not a log, I don't have a log. I mean you know. If I had a log, not in the sence that you think I said I did. (laughs) Good golly. Tis the season to be merry." Mary: "That,s my name." Clark: "No shit!" (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "Dear Frances, I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays." Frances: "Oh, it's just wonderful." Clark: "Oh, Arthur, Art, Dad, thanks for being here." Art: "The little lights are not twinkeling." Clark: "I know Art, and thanks for noticing." (full quote)
AdamR54 Eddie: "If you don't remember, this here's Rocky." Art: "Have you got a kiss for me?" Eddie: "You better take a rain check on that Art. He's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet." (full quote)
AdamR54 Cathrine: "You remember Ruby Sue?" Frances: "Oh yeah. Oh my gosh, her eys aren't crossed anymore." Eddie: "That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know." (full quote)
AdamR54 Eddie: "And, this here's our pride and joy, Snots." Clark: "Pretty name Ed." Eddie: "Yeah, we named him that because he's got this sinus condition. Snots, you roll over and let Uncle Clark scratch your belly. You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark." Clark: "That's okay, Eddie." Eddie: "That's something, ain't it? You pet him, Clark, on the belly and he'll love you till the day you die." Clark: "I really shouldn't. My hands are all chapped." (full quote)
AdamR54 Cathrine: "We were going to call. But, Eddie wanted to make it a surprise." Eddie: "Yeah, you surprised?" Clark: "Surprised Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am rigt now." (full quote)
AdamR54 Eddie: "Yeah, I got the daughter in the clinic, getting cured off the Wild Turkey. And, the older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career." Clark: "College?" Eddie: "Carnival." Clark: "You got to be proud." Eddie: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, last season he was a pixie-dust spreader on the Tilt-O-Whirl. He thinks that maybe next year, he'll be guessing people's weight or barking for the Yak woman. You ever see her?" Clark: "No." Eddie: "She's got these big horns growing right out above her ears. Yeah, she's ugly as sin, but a sweet gal. And, a hell of a good cook." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? drive you out to the middle of nowhere? Leave you for dead?" Eddie: "No, I'm doing just fine Clark. Just glad to be here." Clark: "Yeah." (full quote)
AdamR54 Clark: "So, when did you get the tenament on wheels?" Eddie: "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?" Clark: "Yeah, it looks so nice parked in the driveway." Eddie: "Yeah, it sure does. But, don't you go falling in love with it now, because, we're taking it with us when we leave here next month." (full quote)
49064 Well, I don't KNOW, Margo! (full quote)
marvin mcgoo 1.Are you surprised to see me Clark? 2.I couldn't be more surprised if I woke up in the morning with my head sewn to the carpet. (full quote)
musica Man1: Hey Griswold. where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? Man2: Bend over and I'll show you. Man1: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold. Man2: I wasn't talking to you. (full quote)
musica Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck. Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck. (full quote)
fjohnson "The little lights are not twinkling." "I know Art. Thanks for noticing." (full quote)
Turkish 1.) You shouldn’t have done that aunt Bethany 2.) Oh dear, did I break wind. 3.) Jesus, did the room clear out? Hell no! They mean presents, you shouldn’t have brought presents. (full quote)