“Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'”
Rodney Dangerfield

“I get asked to do benefits a lot and I've decided I've got to be a bit more discerning, I can't just do all of them. . . . I got asked to do a benefit for babies born addicted to crack. And I said well, all right, I'll help you raise money for them, but I think we both know what they're gonna spend it on.”
Laura Kightlinger

“My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.”
Woody Allen

“Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith'.”
Leslie William Nielsen

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said. Look... twins!”
Rodney Dangerfield