George Carlin quotes
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin heroic.”
“Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?”
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
“It's never just a game when you're winning.”
“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
“I have the same authority as the Pope. I just don't have the same number of people who believe me.”
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?”
“I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.”
“I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
“The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.”
“- Bart Trinke: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.
- Greenie: You gettin' a dog?”
“Property is theft. Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here.”
“I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world....” (continue)(continue reading)
“- Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
- Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
- Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silentconsent to the slavetrade?
- Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
- Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.”
“- Ollie Trinke: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?
- Bart Trinke: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.”
“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”
“As a matter of principle I never attend the first annual anything.”