“You ruin everything! Every time I bring a man home you spoil it! You know what your shrink says? You're just trying to get a little attention!”

Brooke Bundy - Elaine Parker

“- Max Devlin: I got until midnight, May 15th. That's our deal. Look, I'm... I'm telling you. I'm trying to get these people so hooked on me, they'll sign anything. That takes time. Now, if I go too fast, I'm liable to blow the whole deal!
- Barney Satin: I like your style, Max. You're a devious fellow.”
Elliott Gould - Max Devlin
Bill Cosby - Barney Satin

“Now your kids with your loud music, and your Dan Fogleberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds!”
Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow

“- Bellman: [presents a pair of boxers] Your drawers, sir.
- Kevin McCallister: [grabs them] Geez! Don't flash these babies around here; there could be girls on this floor!
- Bellman: I was very careful, sir.
- Kevin McCallister: You can't be too careful when it involves underwear.”
Rob Schneider - Bellman
Macaulay Culkin - Kevin McCallister

“- Ed Rooney: What's the score?
- Pizza Man: Nothin' nothin'.
- Ed Rooney: [not really listening] Who's winning?
- Pizza Man: The Bears.”

Jeffrey Jones - Ed Rooney
Joey D. Vieira - Pizza Man