“- Toula Portokalos: [Pointing to Ian's bruised nose] What happened? Biker fight? nose job? What?
- Ian Miller: Uh... yeah.
- Toula Portokalos: No, really.
- Ian Miller: You don't want to know.
- Toula Portokalos: Oh I don't know. If I had survived an old lady ass-kicking I would want to brag about it.”
Nia Vardalos - Toula Portokalos
John Corbett - Ian Miller

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“- Tom Frost: They say you murdered your wife. Is that true?
- Bill Lee: Who told you that?
- Tom Frost: Word gets around.
- Bill Lee: It wasn't murder. It was an accident.”
Sir Ian Holm - Tom Frost
Peter Weller - Bill Lee

“- Tom Frost: There are no accidents. For example, I've been killing my own wife slowly over a period of years.
- Bill Lee: What?
- Tom Frost: Well, not intentionally. I mean, on the level of conscious intention, it's insane, monstrous.”
Sir Ian Holm - Tom Frost
Peter Weller - Bill Lee

“- DJ: I've just... murdered a guy!
- Chowder: Naw... when it's an accident, it's called manslaughter.”
Mitchel Musso - DJ
Sam Lerner - Chowder