Masturbation quotes
116 masturbation quotes, film quotes, movie lines, taglines- From the movie: Legally Blonde
“Any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.”
- From the movie: The Shape of Water
“Y'know, uh - cornflakes were invented to prevent masturbation. It didn't work.”
- From the movie: There's Something About Mary
- From the movie: Tropic Thunder
“I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.”
- From the movie: Pineapple Express
“- Angie Anderson: I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
- Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
- Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What is a half, your hand? That doesn't count!” - From the movie: Fast Times at Ridgemont High
“Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock anymore?”
- From the movie: Slap Shot
“I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator, you know, couldn't control himself. Why, he would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't... you know.”
- From the TV Series: The Good Place
“Once again, none of these philosophers is ever talking about masturbation.”
- From the movie: Booksmart
“I'm incredible at hand-jobs but I also got a fifteen-sixty on the SATs.”
- From the movie: Sorry to Bother You
- From the movie: Amarcord
“- Baravelli: Do you commit impure acts? Do you touch yourself? Do you know Saint Louis weeps when you touch yourself?
- Titta: [speaking to himself] Let him cry. I'm not gonna tell you, because you'll only tell Dad. Don't tell me you don't touch yourself. How can you not, when you see the woman in the tobacco shop, as stacked as she is and she...” (continue)(continue reading) “I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.”
- From the movie: The Interview
“Team Skylark never backs down from a jerkoff.”
- From the movie: Superfast!
“- Officer Lucas White: I almost beat you.
- Vin Serento: You can't even beat yourself.
- Officer Lucas White: I've been beating myself since junior high.” - From the movie: Dogma
“- Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
- Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
- Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
- Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
- Jay: Dude, not all the time.” - From the movie: American Beauty
“Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.”
- From the movie: American Pie
I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it "stroking the salam", yeah, you know, "pounding the old pud". [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.
- From the movie: The 40-Year-Old Virgin
“- Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
- Andy: You could dry hump.
- Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
- Andy: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
- Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
- Andy: Play with a friend.” - From the movie: He Died with a Felafel in His Hand
“I knew this bloke once, right. And... he used to masturbate so much that he grew very fond of his hand. So much that he began to talk to it and he put a little face on it and he called it Muriel. And after a while, Muriel began to talk back to him. He would get her all dolled up in make up and specially made little clothes, and at night she'd go...” (continue)(continue reading)
- From the movie: Girl
- From the movie: Year One
“- Zed: You could be my right-hand man.
- Oh: I've seen what you do with your right hand. No, thank you.” - From the movie: Planes, Trains & Automobiles
- From the movie: Mumford
“- Skip Skipperton: Do you know how I spend my every single solitary moment?
- Dr. Mumford: Jerking off?
- Skip Skipperton: No, that's a good guess though!” - From the movie: Clerks II
“- Randal: Sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
- Dante: You know, you can do something about that.
- Randal: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!” - From the movie: Modern Problems
“- Max Fielder: I think I caused Darcy's coffee cup to slide across the table and crash. And then everything around was shaking and quaking...
- Brian Stills: You trashed the place 'cause you're mad at this Daisy chick, right?
- Max Fielder: No, no, Brian, I did it but I didn't touch anything.
- Brian Stills: Look, we all think we got some...” (continue)(continue reading)
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