“- Felicia: Goddammit, man! You done made me hurt my dick hand.
- Stu: Ooooh! I'm sure you're just as good with the other hand.”
Paula Jai Parker - Felicia
Colin Farrell - Stu Shepard

“- Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
- Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
- Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
- Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
- Jay: Dude, not all the time.”
Jason Mewes - Jay
Chris Rock - Rufus

“- Malcolm Moldowsky: I am the Congressman's right hand.
- Erin Grant: You must be a very busy man.”
Paul Guilfoyle - Malcolm Moldovsky
Demi Moore - Erin Grant

“- Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
- John Henderson: I want kids.
- Carl: Well, adopt.
- John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
- Carl: Masturbate in the garden.”
John C. McGinley - Carl
Albert Brooks - John Henderson

“- Doreen: Kids, where's your father?
- Wally's daughter : He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.
- Doreen: Again?”
Kevin McDonald - Doreen
Erica Fairfield - Wally's daughter