The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
George Carlin

“They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.”
Bill Maher

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel".
Jerry Seinfeld

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”
Chris Rock

“A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.”
Craig Kilborn