“- Jen: In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.
- Hal: What's that supposed to mean?
- Artie: Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it. She's just saying you're not that good looking.
- Hal: Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.”
Laura Kightlinger - Jen
Jack Black - Hal
Kyle Gass - Artie

“- Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
- Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?”

Jack Black - Hal
Jason Alexander - Mauricio

“- Mauricio: Who's Vicki?
- Hal: Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.
- Mauricio: Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic!”
Jason Alexander - Mauricio
Jack Black - Hal

“Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be.”
Gwyneth Paltrow - Rosemary

“- Ted: I think I still want to look her up.
- Healy: Who, Rollerpig? Are you nuts?
- Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.
- Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.”
Ben Stiller - Ted
Matt Dillon - Healy