“- Jelly: I'm gonna get a bite to eat. You wanna sandwich or somethin'?
- Miami Hall Guard: What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?
- Jelly: A half a sandwich.”
Joe Viterelli - Jelly
Dave Corey - Miami Hall Guard

“- Det. Karl Francis Hettinger: You feel like another piece?
- Det. Ian James Campbell: Nah, I just got my weight below 200.
- Det. Karl Francis Hettinger: At least you're tall enough to carry it. Married life's making me feel like an avocado with feet.”

John Savage - Det. Karl Francis Hettinger
Ted Danson - Det. Ian James Campbell

“- Dad: If you eat so much, Moocher, how come you're so damned small?
- Moocher: It's my metabolism. I eat 3 times a day and my metabolism eats 5 times a day.”
Paul Dooley - Dad
Jackie Earle Haley - Moocher

“- Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
- Alison Scott: Ok.
- Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
- Alison Scott: 20.
- Jill: And then weigh that much.”
Kristen Wiig - Jill
Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott

“- Walter Fielding: Has this ever happened to you before?
- Jack Schnittman: Yes.
- Paramedic: Seven times in the past five months.
- Walter Fielding: I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape.
- Jack Schnittman: It is.
- Paramedic: Yeah thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance.”

Tom Hanks - Walter Fielding
Josh Mostel - Jack Schnittman
Wendell Pierce - Paramedic