“My worst habit used to be smoking but I quit.”
“You may have my body, breasts, and boyfriend, but you are not me.”
“- Alexia: Is there anything else I should know about you? Other than that you're a grungy, social outcast?
- Hayley: I'm not grungy. I just have my own style.
- Alexia: Oh, dirt under the fingernails is in? You won't mind if I remove it, will you?”
“Guys are kind of retarded until they're about 30.”
“- Alexia: You're not going to let her go to school like that, are you?
- Ben Wheaton: Well, now, Alexia, I seem to recall seeing you in the same outfit a few months ago.
- Alexia: But it was Halloween!”
“What next, Hayley? Are you gonna lose my virginity too?”
“- Don Champagne: Are you sure there's no other way?
- Mona Champagne: There is only ever my way.”
“- Abby: You lost your chance.
- Mike Chadway: Oh, c'mon, I never had a chance with you.
- Abby: You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't. Clearly.”
“- Andre: What I'm dying of?
- Nicole: A rare disease you caught in Africa.
- Andre: When was I in Africa?
- Nicole: During the Hundred Years War.
- Andre: The Hundred Years War was in the Middle Ages, in Europe!
- Nicole: He didn't seem to notice.
- Andre: Why not the Crusades?”
“- Jack: There's gonna be some things that you are going to be able to get, that other people in the office don't get... one of them: Gym membership.
- Alison Scott: You want me to lose weight?”
“- Mona Champagne: If you cannot argue constructively, what will mother do?
- Allison Champagne: Destroy our video games.
- Mona Champagne: Andrew...?
- Andrew Champagne: And the gaming system.
- Allison Champagne: Burn it while we watch.
- Mona Champagne: That's right. Don't forget what happened to your Legos.”
“- Abby: I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
- Mike Chadway: Oh, I don't assume. I know.”
“- Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
- Alison Scott: Ok.
- Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
- Alison Scott: 20.
- Jill: And then weigh that much.”
“Ranger Manoso; he looks like Michelangelo dipped the statue of David in caramel and strapped some heat on him.”
“- Don: Oh no! She's alive! What do we do?
- Mona: Ouf, maybe we should just let her go...
- Don: Really?
- Mona: [happily] No, get a hammer...”
“- Andre: To you I probably seem old.
- Nicole: You are old.”
“- Sarah Ryback: You take one more step and I'm dropping this grenade.
- Travis Dane: Ok... then drop it.”
“- Andre: Why... why do you make up such stories?
- Nicole: I don't know. It just comes naturally to me.
- Andre: So it's genetic. Is that it?
- Nicole: Yes. No! I don't know.”
“- Don Champagne: You're just being paranoid.
- Mona Champagne: Heh, heh. Well, paranoia is just total awareness.”
“- Abby: You're in love with me. Why?
- Mike Chadway: Beats the shit out of me, but I am.”