“Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing was happening, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'”
Rodney Dangerfield

“I get asked to do benefits a lot and I've decided I've got to be a bit more discerning, I can't just do all of them. . . . I got asked to do a benefit for babies born addicted to crack. And I said well, all right, I'll help you raise money for them, but I think we both know what they're gonna spend it on.”
Laura Kightlinger

“I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”
Woody Allen

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said. Look... twins!”
Rodney Dangerfield

“Weather forcast for tonight dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered light by morning.”
George Carlin