“Ladies and gentlemen, every where I look... soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting Marines! Directly in front of me, I see a flying blond floozy! Everywhere I look... everywhere, pure pandemonium... pandemonium!”

Joe Flaherty - Raoul Lipschitz

“- Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
- Dennis Mitchell: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
- Mickey: And what's the point of reading lies?
- Dennis Mitchell: It teaches kids to eat all their food, and go to bed when they're supposed to.”
Devin Ratray - Mickey
Mason Gamble - Dennis Mitchell

“- Roy O'Bannon: So who are you?
- Chon Wang: I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
- Roy O'Bannon: China... what's with the book?
- Chon Wang: The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
- Roy O'Bannon: I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.”
Owen Wilson - Roy O'Bannon
Jackie Chan - Chon Wang

“- Parker Concorde: Thank you.
- Bess: You're welcome, but what for?
- Parker Concorde: For giving me an ending.”
Johnathon Schaech - Parker Concorde
Lainie Kazan - Bess

“You can't write it if you don't know how it ends - Journalism 101.”
Joey Travolta - Newspaper Editor