“I understand that you little guys start out with your woobies and you think they're great... and they are, they are terrific. But pretty soon, a woobie isn't enough. You're out on the street trying to score an electric blanket, or maybe a quilt. And the next thing you know, you're strung out on bedspreads Ken. That's serious.”

Michael Keaton - Jack

“The trouble with kids is they always figure they're smarter than their parents.”
William Demarest - Constable Edmund Kockenlocker

“- Michael Cromwell: You sound like an idiot.
- Richard Kempster: I'm a parent! Therefore, I'm an idiot! I have spent every day for the last 12 years worrying about my kids. About their safety, about their happiness, about their crooked teeth.”

Tim Allen - Michael Cromwell
Martin Hayter Short - Richard Kempster

“We don't just mediate between warring partners. We also check up the child itself psychologically. How does the child deal with the conflicts? Our advice is always binding. Don't take this the wrong way, but you left them. They didn't leave you. You left for another woman. For now, we see no reason to give you custody.”

Nelly Frijda - Dr. Ellis K.P.R.

“This whole thing is about parenting. It's about taking care of your children. You take care of yours, I take care of mine.”
Bruce Willis - Sonny Truelove