“Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

Max von Sydow - Frederick

“We deposit money from a fund that doesn't exist into a box we don't know about in a bank we've never set foot in. We can't help you because we never heard of you before.”
Geoffrey Rush - Ephraim

“- Warren Schmidt: Randall, what happened about that investment opportunity? You never called me back.
- Duncan Hertzel: You mean that pyramid scheme?
- Larry Hertzel: Let's not talk about that now.
- Duncan Hertzel: All I know is I lost $800.”
Jack Nicholson - Warren Schmidt
Mark Venhuizen - Duncan Hertzel
Howard Hesseman - Larry Hertzel

“- Eve: So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?
- Adam: Uh-huh!
- Eve: That's it?
- Adam: Yes.
- Eve: And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?”
Alicia Silverstone - Eve
Brendan Fraser - Adam

“- King: I order you back to America to win the Cannonball Run. I give you one last chance because you are my only son with a driver's license.
- The Sheik: But, pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.
- King: So, buy one.”
Ricardo Montalban - King
Jamie Farr - The Sheik