“The life of a playwright is tough. It's not easy as some people seem to think. You work hard writing plays and nobody puts them on. You take up other lines of work to try to make a living. You became an actor and people don't hire you. So, you just spend your days doing the errands of your trade.”
Wallace Shawn - Wallace Shawn

“- Jack Gable: Laura is more than a body.
- Cable Man: Laura?
- Jack Gable: Laura Claybourne, she plays Rachel.
- Cable Man: Sorry, you must really follow this shit.
- Jack Gable: No, I write this shit.”

John Candy - Jack Gable
Mark Boone Junior - Cable Man

“- Bettina Barnes: Another lousy sci-fi flick. Berdine, I just can't identify with the Rat-Faced Girl from Mars.
- Berdine: Is it really that bad?
- Bettina Barnes: Honey, Lassie could fart out a better script.”
Kimberley Davies - Bettina Barnes
Danni Wheeler - Berdine

“- Norma Desmond: Young man, tell me something; how long is a movie script these days? I mean how many pages?
- Joe Gillis: Depends on what it is: a Donald Duck or a Joan of Arc.”
Gloria Swanson - Norma Desmond
William M. Holden - Joe Gillis

“- Waitress: What are you writing?
- JJ Lask: A book.
- Waitress: Ah, a writer.
- JJ Lask: This is actually going to be made into a movie.
- Waitress: The movie is never as good as the book.”
Kevin Corrigan - JJ Lask
Judy Del Giudice - Waitress