“- Chris Knight: So, if there's anything I can do for you or, more to the point, to you just let me know.
- Susan Decker: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
- Chris Knight: Not right now.
- Susan Decker: A girl's gotta have her standards.”
Val Kilmer - Chris Knight
Deborah Foreman - Susan Decker

“- Ramona: He tried to pork me.
- Earl Keese: Pork you? What?
- Ramona: You know you did.
- Earl Keese: I swear, I never touched her.
- Ramona: Well, I wasn't born with your hand in my bush.”
Cathy Moriarty - Ramona
John Belushi - Earl Keese

“- Martia: Not everyone keeps their genitals in the same place, Captain.
- Captain James T. Kirk: Anything you want to tell me?”

Iman - Martia
William Shatner - James T. Kirk

“You want to come over to my place? Okay. I'll be here with balls on.”

Tommy Chong - Chong

“- Chuck Boran: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank!
- Bikini Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.”

Mike Bobenko - Chuck Boran