“- Guy in bathroom: Hey, you're in the Army, yes?
- Dignan: No, I just have short hair.”
Owen Wilson - Dignan

“- Harlan 'Flat-top' Meyers: I've been waiting for you!
- Andre Krimm: You should be waiting for the guy that cut your hair!”
Tom Whitenight - Harlan 'Flat-top' Meyers
Sinbad - Andre Krimm

“- Denise Dahlberg: They give me this ribbon to wear... but I haven't got any damn hair to put it into.
- Stephen Klein: You look great.”

Lori Lethin - Denise Dahlberg
Steve Guttenberg - Stephen Klein

“There's nothing wrong with you... except your hair. Your hair is a train wreck.”

Edward Norton - Will Graham

“- Warren: My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over. Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, you know he's doing it to cover up something.
-Larry: Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.”
Charles Grodin - Warren
Steve Martin - Larry