“- Sam: [holding a pill] Dewey, get out of here. You don't want no part of this shit.
- Dewey Cox: What is it?
- Sam: It's medication for erectile dysfunction, it gives you a boner! Not to be used if you have a pre-existing heart condition. If boners last more than four hours, call more ladies.”

Tim Meadows - Sam
John C. Reilly - Dewey Cox

“Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Cinder: Ever been to fourth base?
- Ferris: I'm fifteen. No one goes to fourth base...
- Cinder: I hit a home run at fourteen. Well I guess some of us are women, and some of us are little girls.”
Krista Errickson - Cinder
Tatum O'Neal - Ferris

“- Freddie Miles: Don't you want to fuck every woman you see just once?
- Dickie Greenleaf: Just once?”
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Freddie Miles
Jude Law - Dickie Greenleaf

“To go to bed with a man and lie to him? She's a woman. She's got all the training she needs.”
Philip Anthony Hopkins - Mission Commander Swanbeck