Charlie Sheen movie quotes

“- Charlie Sheen: Do me a favor. Promise me you won't drive.
- Lindsay Lohan: That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
- Charlie Sheen: I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.”
Charlie Sheen - Himself
Lindsay Lohan - Herself

“- Lt. Topper Harley: So... I guess you've been with a man before...
- Ramada Thompson: I'm a virgin. I'm just not very good at it.”
Charlie Sheen - Lt. Topper Harley
Valeria Golino - Ramada Thompson

“- David Ackerman: Do you think I like dragging around after you all day? I fucking hate it! And I hate the way you drive. And I hate your stinking whiskey breath.
- Nick Pulovski: And I hate your uptight regulation-spouting boy scout horseshit. And I hate the little fucking creases in your pants. And I hate these fucking donuts. These fruitcake...” (continue)(continue reading)
Charlie Sheen - David Ackerman
Clint Eastwood - Nick Pulovski

Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason". That's what this place feels like. Hell.

Charlie Sheen - Chris

- Bud Fox: Did mom give you fish for dinner?
- Carl Fox: Spaghetti! Your mother still makes lousy spaghetti.
- Bud Fox: It's called "pasta" now, dad. "Spaghetti" is out of date.
- Carl Fox: So am I.
Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox
Martin Sheen - Carl Fox

“- Bud Fox: So tell me, Gordon: when does it all end, huh? How many yachts can you water-ski behind? How much is enough?
- Gordon Gekko: It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero-sum game: somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn't lost or made, it's simply, uh, transferred from one perception to another. Like magic.”
Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox
Michael Douglas - Gordon Gekko

“I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy; we fought ourselves. And the enemy was in us.”
Charlie Sheen - Chris

“Having sex with her was like reading the Wall St. Journal.”

Charlie Sheen - Bud Fox

Alan Harper-Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie Harper-It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan Harper-Excuse me?
Charlie Harper-There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."
(continue)(continue reading)
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“On the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which one I'm rooting for?”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“Alan Harper-You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie Harper-I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan Harper-You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie Harper-Who gave me the penis, Alan?
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Alan Harper-Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie Harper-No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper

“Charlie Harper-Everything I say is confidential, right?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Whatever you say, stays in this room.
Charlie Harper-Kind of like Vegas?
Dr. Linda Freeman-Well, except there is no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie harper-Yeah, like Vegas
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jane Lynch - Dr. Linda Freeman

“Charlie Harper-You guys are no fun, I'm gonna call a hooker.
Lyndsey Mackelroy-Charlie, there's two boys in the house!
Charlie Harper-Let them get their own hookers.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Courtney Thorne-Smith - Lyndsey Mackelroy

“Chris Mackelroy-I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
Dr.Herb Melnick-Bad place for a lump.
Charlie Harper-Tell me a good place.
Dr.Herb Melnick-Someone else's groin.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Ryan Stiles - Dr. Herb Melnick
Judd Nelson - Chris Mackelroy

“Alan Harper-I need you to watch Jake for the rest of the weekend so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas and get married.
Charlie Harper-Oh, God, Alan! There's no need to marry the woman! If you don't want to have sex anymore just tell her!
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Dr.Linda Freeman-Have you ever been in therapy before?
Charlie Harper-Does massage therapy count?
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jane Lynch - Dr. Linda Freeman

“Charlie Harper-Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake Harper-Life stinks.
Charlie Harper-Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper

“Alan Harper-Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
Charlie Harper-Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Alan Harper-Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie Harper-Obviously you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Cynthia Sullivan-Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake Harper-It's called puberty.
Charlie Harper-It's called donuts.
”
Christina Moore - Cynthia Sullivan
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper

“Alan Harper-Haven't you read the package?
Charlie Harper-Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box.
”

Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Jon Cryer - Alan Harper

“Charlie Harper-You'd really be willing to risk your marriage over a cute, young babysitter?
Dr.Herb Melnick-I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat, ugly one.
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Ryan Stiles - Dr. Herb Melnick

“Jake Harper-Why do you hate your mother?
Charlie Harper-I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink
”
Charlie Sheen - Charlie Harper
Angus T. Jones - Jake Harper