“- Schmendrick: Shut up, you pretentious kneecap! How'd you like a punch in the eye?
- Molly Grue: You made it laugh, anyway. Maybe that's all it needs to make it speak.”

Alan Arkin - Schmendrick
Tammy Grimes - Molly Grue

“No one laughs at a master of Quack Fu!”
Chip Zien - Howard T. Duck

“- Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for?
- Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.
- Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. Ok. Cool.”
Alicia Silverstone - Eve
Brendan Fraser - Adam

“- Anna: I could do your make-up myself.
- Madeline Ashton: Make-up is pointless! It does nothing anymore! Are you even listening to me? Do you even care? You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks and laugh at me.”
Michelle Johnson - Anna
Meryl Streep - Madeline Ashton

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.”
Dolly Parton - Truvy Jones