“I don't blame you. When I was your age, I was knocking them off left and right; but I never did it with nobody's daughter. You should have given her an ankle bracelet and stuck to jerking off!”

Dolph Sweet - Chubby Galasso

“Me and my wife had a great sex life, we use to have sex once a week. but then she died... then it was 3 or 4 times a week.”
Danny Murphy - Mr. Murphy

“- Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!
- Darren: What?
- Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!
[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]
- Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!”
Amanda Peet - Judith
Jason Biggs - Darren

“- Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
- Andy: You could dry hump.
- Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
- Andy: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
- Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
- Andy: Play with a friend.”
Nancy Carell - Health Clinic Counselor
Steve Carrell - Andy

- Max: You haven't slept with her, have you?
- William Thacker: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.
- Max: "No comment" means "yes".
- William Thacker: No, it doesn't.
- Max: Do you ever masturbate?
- William Thacker: Definitely no comment.
- Max: You see? It means "yes".
Tim McInnerny - Max
Hugh Grant - William Thacker