“- Ron Launius: What the fuck am I going to do with a microwave?
- John Holmes: You can heat food with it.
- Ron Launius: The only thing I want to heat up right now is some dope.”
Josh Lucas - Ron Launius
Val Kilmer - John Holmes

“- Kevin Sandusky - Hot LZ: Hey Jeff what are you doin?
- Jeff Portnoy - Hot LZ: Fuckin' nothing, man. I'm eating jelly beans.
- Kevin Sandusky - Hot LZ: Whoa jelly beans can I have...
- Jeff Portnoy - Hot LZ: No you can't have any fuckin' jelly beans! You think you're the only one who gets sick when he doesn't get his jelly beans? Boundaries man...”

Jay Baruchel - Kevin Sandusky - Hot LZ
Jack Black - Jeff Portnoy - Hot LZ

“- Inspector Mason: I want another autopsy on Fissue. And be very careful this time. It's possible he was murdered by some obscure drug that you might have overlooked.
- Coroner: I'm very sorry, Inspector. But I can't make another autopsy. Because the body was cremated yesterday.”
Alan Hale - Inspector Mason
John Dilson - Coroner

“Sometimes girls like you go down and down until at last they fall victim to narcotics!”

Virginia Weidler - Harriet Thomas

“Valium, prozac, and ritalin. Breakfast of champions.”
Christopher Lambert - Lou