“- Jacob Rixley: The funeral will be in Chicago and the Governor will be there.
- Mortician: Well, I'm sure it will cheer their souls just to hear you say that.”
James Whitmore Jr. - Mr. Jacob Rixley
John Bottoms - Mortician

“Herman! This is the last time I'm going to talk to you, and I'm going to tell you you're the worst fraud I've known in my life! If you hear that I'm dead, don't come to my funeral.”
Lena Olin - Masha

“Cop couldn't find his dick with two hands and a map.”
Ed Harris - Dave Moss

“What's that? Your IQ, or the size of your dick?”
Kathleen Turner - Vic

“- His Excellency: I presume your funeral was satisfactory.
- Henry Van Cleve: Well, there was a lot of crying, so I believe everybody had a good time.”
Laird Cregar - His Excellency
Don Ameche - Henry Van Cleve