“I don't know when my parents began their war against each other - but I do know the only prisoners they took were their children.”
Nick Nolte - Tom Wingo

“- Danny Muldoon: You came home late. You were arguing and I woke up. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on, so I listened in at the door.
- Rose Muldoon: A little spy.
- Danny Muldoon: Come on, I was only 12.
- Rose Muldoon: Spy!”

John Candy - Danny Muldoon
Maureen O'Hara - Rose Muldoon

“- Joe, the Narrator: Then there were my father and mother, two people who could find an argument in any subject.
- Martin, the father: Wait, you think the Atlantic is a greater ocean than the Pacific?
- Tess, the mother: No. Have it your way. The Pacific is greater.
- Joe, the Narrator: I mean, how many people argue over oceans?”
Woody Allen - Joe, the Narrator
Michael Tucker - Martin, the father
Julie Kavner - Tess, the mother

“- T.J. Krupp: My dad treats my mom like dirt.
- Matt Finley: And my dad's coming up on his second year with Louise.
- Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf: So?
- Matt Finley: So he always divorces in his second year, you know that, it's like clockwork.”
Herbert Russell - T.J. Krupp
Mooky Arizona - Matt Finley
Kyle Howard - Gregory Alan 'Grover' Beindorf

“To argue with them is like discussing colors with the color-blind.”

Edward G. Robinson - Dr. Paul Ehrlich