“- Hansel - 6 years old: Jesus says the darndest things.
- Hedwig: Don't you ever mention that name to me again.
- Hansel - 6 years old: But he died for our sins.
- Hedwig: So did Hitler!”
Ben Mayer-Goodman - Hansel - 6 years old
John Cameron Mitchell - Hedwig

“Jesus was never meant to die. He failed.”
Patrick Brymer - Dr. Dwyer

“- Nancy Aglet:I am far more powerful than you can ever imagine!
- Father Luke Brophy: Maybe, however you are but one being. I represent the belief of far more people. Did you know that the Christian religion has over a billion followers?
- Nancy Aglet: Big deal, so does the wheel of fortune!”

Linda Blair - Nancy Aglet
Anthony Starke - Father Luke Brophy

“- Brian Hope: Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't.
- Charlie McManus: The church isn't selling anything, Brian.”
Eric Idle - Brian Hope
Robbie Coltrane - Charlie McManus

“We're all born sinful, except for Jesus who was perfect of course. And he was sent to save us. But how could he save us unless we're sinning? So we have to go on sinning in order to be saved and go to Heaven. That's how Christianity works. That's why it suits so many people.”
Robbie Coltrane - Charlie McManus