“- Claudia: It must be hard to spank your monkey.
- Ishmael: You have a monkey?”

Vanessa Angel - Claudia
Randy Quaid - Ishmael

- Dudley Laywicker: Mother, I have a assignation with a young lady. I am going to explore the boundaries of my manhood. Mother, I am going to get laid.
- Dudley's Mother: You're going to be late, dear?
- Dudley Laywicker: Not “late”, mother, “laid”. The past participle of the verb “to lay”. Mother, I am going to screw someone.
Stuart Pankin - Dudley Laywicker
Mina Kolb - Dudley's Mother

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey

“Were you masturbating? You don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable. You can call it Sam's happy time or
my special alone time with myself.”

Julie White - Judy Witwicky