“Hartman, for the love of god stop tanning, you look like a cheese nip, you look like a orange with lips, you look like a wrinkled peach.”

Ken Jeong - Angus

“Looks like love at first sight to me. Oh, he likes you, Burke!”

Michael Biehn - Corporal Hicks

“- Private Drake: They ain't paying us enough for this, man.
- Corporal Dietrich: Not enough to have to wake up to your face, Drake.
- Private Drake: What? Is that a joke?
- Corporal Dietrich: Oh, I wish it were.”
Mark Rolston - Private Drake
Cynthia Dale Scott - Corporal Dietrich

“- Percy Wetmore: Adios, Chief! Drop us a card from Hell, let us know if it's hot enough...
- Brutus 'Brutal' Howell: He's paid what he's owed; he's square with the house again, so keep your goddamn hands off him!”

Doug Hutchison - Percy Wetmore
David Morse - Brutus 'Brutal' Howell

“- Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laughriot! First of all, they are so poor...
- Swiftus: How poor are they?
- Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have one God!”
Mel Brooks - Comicus
Ron Carey - Swiftus