“- Harry Dunne: Mrs. P. What are you doing here?
- Dr. Walcott: Do you always call your wife Mrs. P?
- Harry Dunne: Oh. Uh - How you doin', sugar tits? I missed ya.”
Jeff Daniels - Harry Dunne
Tembi Locke - Dr. Walcott

“- Eve: What kind of wife are you looking for?
- Adam: Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.
- Eve: [laughs] No dogs, huh. Ok. Cool.”
Alicia Silverstone - Eve
Brendan Fraser - Adam

“- Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?
- Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.
- Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!
- Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.”
Ben Stiller - Ted
Matt Dillon - Healy

“- Tony Manero: [bringing a can of paint to a customer] Okay, how much painting you planning on doing?
- Paint Store Customer: After these two rooms, I wouldn't paint my wife's ass purple.
- Tony Manero: What color is it now?
- Paint Store Customer: [offended] You wanna know what color my wife's ass is?”
John Travolta - Tony Manero
Robert Costanzo - Paint Store Customer

“- 'Joliet' Jake Blues: [fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women?
- Father: What?
- 'Joliet' Jake Blues: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children!”
John Belushi - Joliet' Jake Blues
Ben Piazza - Father