“- Ed: I'll teach him everything I know!
- Mr. Baily: Oh... God, help me.”

Kel Mitchell - Ed
Dan Schneider - Mr. Baily

- Charles "Commie" Comiskey: Well we're prepared to give you a 5 year contract...
- Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis: Lifetime contract.
- Judge Friend: Lifetime?
- Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis: A man worried about his job is bound to play favorites. Now you gentlemen don't want that do you?

Clifton James - Charles "Commie" Comiskey
John Anderson - Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis
Dick Cusack - Judge Friend

“- Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
- Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
- Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!”
Tony Curtis - Joe
Jack Lemmon - Jerry

“- Albertine: I’m worried about you.
- Celeste: You’re worried about me? You don’t need to worry about me. I’m solid. I worry about you. Baby, that’s my job to worry about you.”

Raffey Cassidy - Albertine
Natalie Portman - Celeste

“It's only my second day in San Miguel, and I'll tell ya', I'm ready to hitchhike to Jonestown for a few laughs and a cool drink. This place is hotter than Dolly Parton's minipad. My job takes me all over the world. Lebanon, Nicaragua... Newark. You name it, I'm in there. Always where the action is.”
Chevy Chase - Eddie Muntz