- Jennifer Baker: You said "Love Cake"!
- Pistachio Disguisey: Why would I say that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny!
- Jennifer Baker: What?
- Pistachio Disguisey: What I was trying to say is that I have a present for Barney. [hands her knee pads] Tell him they are from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.
Jennifer Esposito - Jennifer Baker
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey

“- Kay Bentley: She's an old schoolmate of mine from grammar school.
- Michael Shayne: I haven't seen any old girls.
- Kay Bentley: She's not old - about my age.
- Michael Shayne: And still going to grammar school? She's a little mentally round-shouldered!”
Lynn Bari - Kay Bentley
Lloyd Nolan - Michael Shayne

“- Gail Richards: Good night.
- Lillian - the Housekeeper: I hope you rest in peace.
- Gail Richards: Thank you. [turns to Ann] Isn't that what they write on tombstones?”
Joan Blondell - Gail Richards
Rafaela Ottiano - Lillian - the Housekeeper

- "Doc": Did you ever go to school, stupid?
- "Wishy": Yeah and I came out the same way.
Bud Abbott - "Doc"
Lou Costello - "Wishy"

“- Grover Mockridge: Go answer the door. It might be Warner.
- Wilbur Hoolihan: It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal.”
Bud Abbott - Grover Mockridge
Lou Costello - Wilbur Hoolihan