“- Jonah Baldwin: Will she scratch up your back?
- Sam Baldwin: [shocked] What?
- Jonah Baldwin: In the movies, women are always scratching up the men's back and screaming and stuff when they're having sex.”
Ross Malinger - Jonah Baldwin
Tom Hanks - Sam Baldwin

“- Dewey Riley: Typically, serial killers are white male.
- Randy Meeks: That's why it's perfect! It's sort of against the rules but not really. Mrs. Voorhees was a terrific serial killer, and there's always room for Candyman's daughter. She's sweet, she's deadly, she's bad for your teeth.”

David Arquette - Dewey Riley
Jamie Kennedy - Randy Meeks

“I tell you, nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.”

Howard Stern - Himself

“- Danny Madigan: Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie!
- Jack Slater: No, this is California.”
Austin O'Brien - Danny Madigan
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Jack Slater

“- Natalie Arden: What kind of dumb bitch lets Leonardo DiCaprio drown?
- Anne Arden: Nat, mind your own business.”

Marley Shelton - Natalie Arden
Renee Zellweger - Anne Arden