“- Maisy's Teacher: Does anybody have a special story to tell the class about something that happened this week?
[Maizy Russell raises her hand]
- Maisy's Teacher: Maizy?
- Maizy Russell: My uncle was micro waving our socks and the dog threw up on the couch for an hour.”
Ron Payne - Maizy's Teacher
Gaby Hoffmann - Maizy Russell

“- Stefan Vanderhoof: They had the same prance, the same rhythm, it was like they were two members of the same body.
- Scott Donlan: I knew a guy who had two members on the same body, dated him for about a half hour, got so exhausted. I'm sorry, go on, you were telling a story?”

Michael McKean - Stefan Vanderhoof
John Michael Higgins - Scott Donlan

“- Theresa Burnett: Hey hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories.
- Mike Lowrey: Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories.
- Marcus Burnett: Hey.
- Theresa Burnett: Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas.”
Theresa Randle - Theresa Burnett
Will Smith - Mike Lowrey
Martin Lawrence - Marcus Burnett

“- Kathy: You guys are brothers?
- Mitch Weaver: Well, it's a long story.
- Sam McKenna: My dad boned his mom.
- Mitch Weaver: Okay, it's a short story.”
Traylor Howard - Kathy
Norm MacDonald - Mitch Weaver
Artie Lange - Sam McKenna

“- John Billings: There's a story going around 'bout how some twenty Redcoats got killed by a ghost or some damn thing, carried a Cherokee tomahawk.
- Benjamin Martin: Aren't you a little old to be believing in ghost stories?”
Leon Rippy - John Billings
Mel Gibson - Benjamin Martin