“- Andrew Kempster: What kind of dumb name is Mimi Siku?
- Jan Kempster: Don't be rude. He probably thinks Andrew is a dumb name.
- Andrew Kempster: So do I.”
Frankie J. Galasso - Andrew Kempster
Valerie Mahaffey - Jan Kempster

“- Sophia Simone: Hi, I'm Sophia.
- Demille Bly: That's your problem.”
Estella Warren - Sophia Simone
Robert Sean Leonard - Demille Bly

“- Peg: Good morning Joyce. Avon calling.
- Joyce: Well Peg, have you gone blind? Can't you see there's a vehicle in my driveway?
- Peg: Yes.
- Joyce: Well don't you know that means I'm busy?”
Dianne Wiest - Peg
Kathy Baker - Joyce

“- Chon Wang: He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.
- Roy O'Bannon: That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!”

Jackie Chan - Chon Wang
Owen Wilson - Roy O'Bannon

- Lloyd Christmas: My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
- Mary Swanson: That's nice.
- Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
- Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
- Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms"! We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Jim Carrey - Lloyd Christmas
Lauren Holly - Mary Swanson