“- Prime Minister Soto: President Benson, where's your First Lady?
- Tug Benson: I don't know. I've had lots of women. Lost my flower at the age of 15. I can't keep track.”
Clyde Kusatsu - Prime Minister Soto
Lloyd Bridges - Tug Benson

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why do you have a girlfriend?
- Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
- Paul Vitti: That's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“What is wrong with a man wanting his wife and his wife's best friend to lick his dick at the same time?”
Coati Mundi - Caller #8 - Martin

“- Alley Thug: You're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.
- Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.”
Badja Djola - Alley Thug
Bruce Willis - Joe Hallenbeck

“- Herb: When was the last time you fucked your wife?
- Ed Okin: You're a classy guy, Herb.”
Dan Aykroyd - Herb
Jeff Goldblum - Ed Okin