“- John Moss: She hates me.
- Nick Lang: Buy her a pony.
- John Moss: I mean Susan.
- Nick Lang: Buy her a horse.”
James Woods - John Moss
Michael J. Fox - Nick Lang

“- Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?
- Jessica Spencer: You look good, too, Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?
- Monique: Barfing more.”
Maria-Elena Laas - Bianca
Rob Schneider - Jessica
Ashlee Simpson - Monique

“- Brian: You're offering me a job?
- Doug: Uh huh.
- Brian: The waitresses hate me!
- Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.”
Tom Cruise - Brian Flanagan
Bryan Brown - Doug Coughlin

“I tried to stop it. I did everything I could, but they hated her. They hated her so much. They hated that she was smarter than them, they hated being out there with someone who had to squat to piss. I tried to save her. I did everything I could, but I couldn't make them stop.”

Brad Beyer - Bransford

“- Steve Brooks: It's kinda hard for me to believe that there aren't at least a couple of woman...
- God: Right now, I'll settle for one. So I've decided that you should go back and try to find one female who truly likes Steve Brooks. If you find her, you go to Heaven. If you don't, you will spend eternity in Hell.”

Perry King - Steve Brooks
Richard Provost - God