“- Howard Terke: How about it, Tom? Can you get your brother the monsignor to say a mass for this cunt? It'll make the front page.
- Det. Tom Spellacy: Howard, we don't even know yet whether or not she was a Catholic cunt.”

Dan Hedaya - Howard Terkel
Robert Duvall - Det. Tom Spellacy

“- Killjoy: They don't castrate clergy. Just in case.
- Roscoe: Just in case of what?
- Killjoy: Just in case there really is a god.”
John Matuszak - Killjoy
Michael D. Roberts - Roscoe

“The stranger has been known to masquerade as a priest wearing high heeled shoes.”

“Reverend, you've got balls as big as church bells.”

Dabney Coleman - Jerry Caesar

“- Michael Dunn: If Gram sees you smoking she'll have a heart attack.
- Boo: If she's hears you talking about not being a priest she'll have a stroke.”
Andrew McCarthy - Michael Dunn
Jennifer Dundas - Boo