“- Jack: I heard about you and Danielle breaking up.
- Larry: You heard? It just happened fifteen minutesago.
- Jack: Yeah, well, I just spoke to her. We were very close, you know. We had an affair and everything.”
Steve Martin - Jack
Steve Martin - Larry

“- Jack: Don't be so broken up about Danielle. She already dumped Raul, you know.
- Larry: She has?
- Jack: Yeah, she's living with a rock group now.”
Steve Lawrence - Jack
Steve Martin - Larry

“I read somewhere that the reason most relationships break down is that each partner is waiting for the other to fix it. But if you want somebody to stand by you always, you have to be willing to do the same for them, even when they're acting like an idiot.”
Heather Graham - Joline

“You know what day is great for a break-up? Any day but Valentine's Day!”
Nicholas Brendon - Xander Harris

“I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles.”

Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves