“- Debbie: That 2nd baseman's got a really nice ass.
- Joan: I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.”
Demi Moore - Debbie
Elizabeth Perkins - Joan

“- Mac: Hey, you can handle this report tonight, can't you? I gotta thing I gotta do.
- Randy: It's a blonde thing or a brunette thing?”
Steve Zahn - Mac
Eric Christian Olsen - Randy

“- Harriet Michaels: What do you look for in a woman you date?
- Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.”
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

- Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I have to go on a date with this woman. Why can't I just say no?
- Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't know, why can't you?
- Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: I can't alienate these women, I need body count at the temple.
Ben Stiller - Rabbi Jake Schram
Edward Norton - Father Brian Finn

- "Mud": How could you invite her over?! She's going to find out!
- Dennis Van Welker: Mud, in a couple of years, two things will happen. One, you'll grow a ridiculous mustache that looks fruit mold on your upper lip. Two, you'll suddenly understand why men invite charming, attractive women to dinner.
Jonathan Jackson - Morris 'Mud' Himmel
Chris Lloyd - Dennis Van Welker