- Happy Gilmore: I'd love to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal".
- Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right", Happy.
- Happy Gilmore: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Adam Sandler - Happy Gilmore
Bob Barker - Bob Barker

“- Daniel Schorr: There's a tiny camera looking at you right now.
- Nicholas Van Orton: That's impossible.
- Daniel Schorr: You're right, impossible. You're having a conversation with your television.”

Daniel Schorr - Daniel Schorr
Michael Douglas - Nicholas Van Orton

“- Neville Coltrane: Mate, Beijing called. We've got the television rights to their public executions.
- Rod McCain: Worldwide?
- Neville Coltrane: Five guys a week, guaranteed.
- Rod McCain: Beauty.”
Bille Brown - Neville Coltrane
Kevin Kline - Rod McCain

“- Candy: I want more than just sex.
- David: That's why God invented television.”
Ruth Marshall - Candy
Thomas Gibson - David

My wife and I, we love watching Dateline, those shows where every week they will feature a disease. I swear to you, every week, no matter what the disease is, my wife has it. There could be three people on the planet that have this disease, my wife is one of them. She just watches it going "I've got it."
Jeff Foxworthy - Himself