“- Grandpa Gustafson: Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
- John Gustafson: Bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Bacon!”
Burgess Meredith - Grandpa Gustafson
Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson

“- Kara: Could you go then, honey, 'cause I've got this headache.
- Brendan: Try smoking like a chimney, I've heard that helps.”
Meagan Good - Kara
Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Brendan

“Go on, take it. If we take our time we will both die of cancer.”

Mel Gibson - Martin Riggs

“- Lady Bracknell: Do you smoke?
- Jack: Well, Lady Bracknell, I am bound to say, yes, I do smoke.
- Lady Bracknell: That is well. A man should always have an occupation.”
Dame Judi Dench - Lady Bracknell
Colin Firth - Jack

“- Stewardess Stacey: Sir, there's no smoking on airplanes.
- Don Ready: I know! It's ridiculous, isn't it? Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.”
Kristen Schaal - Stewardess Stacey
Jeremy Piven - Don Ready