“Five o'clock Christmas morning, I run downstairs and look under the tree and what do I find? Uncle Alfresco, dead on the floor, shot through the back of the head. Plus no bicycle. It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels.”
Steve Martin - Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli

“- Doc: Excuse me! You promised me a nice, quiet Christmas.
- Emily 'Ma' Bear: You think you're disappointed? I just took three months of surfing lessons for zip.”
Gerard Parkes - Doc
Jerry Nelson - Emily 'Ma' Bear

“We're not just doing this for us. We're doing it for the kids. For every kid who ever sat on Santa's lap. For every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night. For every little boy who opens a package Christmas morning and finds clothes instead of toys. It breaks my heart.”
Jim Belushi - Mall Santa

“If promises were crackers, my daughter would be fat.”
Elya Baskin - Mr. Ditkovich

You know, when you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down at you, he had but one hope: "someday, my son will grow to be a man". Well look at you now; you just got your asses whipped, by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
John Goodman - Coach Harris