- Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
- Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
- Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!". Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "ow, ow, ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!".
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“I just say what I feel and regret it later.”
Portia Doubleday - Nate

“There are many fish In the sea but you’re the only one I'd want to stuff and mount over my fireplace.”
Walter Matthau - Max Goldman

“I guess I prefer sausage to taco.”

Lusia Strus - Alexa

“My life sucks. Now, come on give her the Waikikiki sneaky behind the cheeky.”
Rob Schneider - Ula