- Kirk Lazarus: It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name?
- Alpa Chino - Hot LZ: ... Lance.
- Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Robert Downey Jr. - Kirk Lazarus
Brandon T. Jackson - Alpa Chino - Hot LZ

“All gay men have track lightin'. And all gay men are named Mark, Rick, or Steve.”
Shirley MacLaine - Ouiser Boudreaux

“- Emily Montgomery: Are you really gay?
- Howard Brackett: Hmm-hmm...
- Emily Montgomery: Was there... any other time you might've told me this? I'm wearing a wedding dress, which you picked out!”
Joan Cusack - Emily Montgomery
Kevin Kline - Howard Brackett

“Howard, we want you to know: you're our son, and we'll always love you, gay, straight, red, green, if you rob a bank, if you kill someone.”

Debbie Reynolds - Berniece Brackett

“- Howard Brackett: He's just never had a physical relationship with her.
- Father Tim: Never? In three years?
- Howard Brackett: He respects her.
- Father Tim: He's gay!”

Kevin Kline - Howard Brackett
Joseph Maher - Father Tim