“- Lily: What's the story on that dog?
- Reggie: That's the dog that saved Charleston from the 1938 flood.
- Lily: Well, fuck him.”
Lindsay Crouse - Lily
Paul Newman - Reggie

“They're never going to believe this at school.”

Jared Rushton - Ron Thompson

- Franny Philips: Can you write me a note if I'm late to school?
- Paul Philips: I guess so.
- Franny Philips: "Dear Teacher, Please let Franny into class without penalty. Her dog wouldn't shit".

Trini Alvarado - Franny Philips
John Lithgow - Paul Philips

“- Mickey: [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
- Dennis Mitchell: He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
- Mickey: And what's the point of reading lies?
- Dennis Mitchell: It teaches kids to eat all their food, and go to bed when they're supposed to.”
Devin Ratray - Mickey
Mason Gamble - Dennis Mitchell

“- Roy O'Bannon: So who are you?
- Chon Wang: I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
- Roy O'Bannon: China... what's with the book?
- Chon Wang: The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
- Roy O'Bannon: I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.”
Owen Wilson - Roy O'Bannon
Jackie Chan - Chon Wang