“- Kurt: What are you, a fag?
- Chris Briggs: My dads are gay, so shut the hell up.
- Kurt: Yeah, right! Gay guys can't have kids! They're too busy going to discos and having sex with each other. It's actually a pretty cool lifestyle.”
Adam Devine - Kurt
Alexander Ludwig - Chris Briggs

“- Anthony: Irish kids develop later, okay. They don't think about sex until they're like 25.
- Mary Ellen: Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
- Anthony: It's a biology fact, Mary Ellen, okay. Read a fuckin' book.”
John DeLuca - Anthony
Cecily Strong - Mary Ellen

“- Audrey Timmonds: Wait, I don't get it... If he's the first of his kind, how can he be pregnant? Doesn't he need a mate?
- Dr. Niko Tatopoulus: Not if he reproduces asexually.
- Audrey Timmonds: Where's the fun in that?”
Maria Pitillo - Audrey Timmonds
Matthew Broderick - Dr. Niko Tatopoulos

“Sex is the sewer drain of a healthy body, sir! Any use of the sexual act other than procreation is a waste of vital energy! Wasted seeds are wasted lives!”
Philip Anthony Hopkins - Dr. John Harvey Kellogg

“Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, ok, promise?”
Dwayne Hill - Coach Carr